i let him into my words. invited him here to read some of what i do not share. i let him into my heart. ignored warnings and honest advice i should have heeded. it’s not his fault. i saw the writing on the wall blog. heard the words he spoke. yet still i chose to believe i had strength enough for us both. turns out, i don’t.
i don’t let down to many. i maintain a guarded independence that’s found comfort in self-reliance. it’s not as though i anticipate disappointment. i firmly believe in the goodness of others. but i’ve simply found that i can always rely on me, myself and i and somehow we always find a way to get by with no need to burden others. but there’s something about him. something that had begun to draw me out and tempt me beyond what i thought i wanted. i toed the line drawn. balanced carefully on the side of safety. the unknown a chance i was unwilling to take. and then i slipped.
i can find no word more perfect than beautiful. i don’t know why. it’s not one i would typically use to describe a man and honestly one i’m not sure a man would appreciate. but it’s the one that most accurately expresses what i see. yes, by cultural standards he’s attractive. “hot” even if you want to put it in flirtatiously vain terms. but look again and there’s so much more to see. the mischievous smile that lights up a room. the soft brown eyes that sparkle and give only minimal insight to what hides beneath. a depth of passionate character that, as it’s been slowly revealed, has held me captivated. scars and all.
but life doesn’t stop for me. the issues and stresses. responsibility and fears of failure. there’s too much right now. his and mine. the timing wrong. the reality overwhelming. the hurt and anger no longer merely a potential.
for the record i did not run and never once considered. but i do surrender. the apology and forgiveness asked not just of him but of myself.
