last night i came so close to losing it for the first time in a long, long time. i’m one of those people that rarely has all out breaks downs. sure i have my moments where i may be upset or hurt by something or someone but with a little rationalization i tend to snap out of it pretty quick and regain my control. i’ve actually even been known to talk myself out of total meltdown just because the timing was all wrong. i simply can’t cry the night before a big meeting and risk having puffy eyes. and i can’t get angry and lose my temper if sab is home. and there definitely is no time to be an emotional wreck if there’s mileage to get in. so yes, i typically schedule the rare breakdown i need into a light week. and it’s always in pencil … never pen.
funny thing is, there wasn’t anything that “happened” to me yesterday. in fact i was in a pretty damn good mood after running most of the night’s run side by side with my crush and spending a little time talking to him after. and the simple hug he gave me when he went to leave was enough to let my mind wander into the possibility of maybe. it was those thoughts and the excitement i had over them that were on my mind when my phone rang.
i tend to be the rock amongst my friends. i’d say the fact the i schedule my breakdowns is pretty indicative of my being the emotionally rational one in times of trouble. i don’t mind that everyone turns to me. i think i’m pretty good at being caring and supportive yet firm and realistic. maybe i got a little of that from my father being a shrink. but last night i found myself lending an ear and a shoulder to not one but two very distraught friends. two very different yet painful situations. i listened. i consoled. i advised. and when all was said and done i’d spent a combined few hours trying to help in whatever little way i could. when i hung up with the second call something hit me hard. i’m not sure what it was really. neither situation necessarily mirrored any of my own past experiences that could have been lurking beneath my shell waiting to strike when i was emotionally vulnerable. but none the less i plummeted from the pinnacle of happiness to precariously standing on the edge of despair. i tried to write then but couldn’t piece together words and the offer from another friend to turn the tables and let me talk was quickly rejected. there were no words left inside me.
today i’m still not quite myself. but i’m not sure it’s necessarily a bad thing. i think i fully realized last night that i tend to put everyone’s emotional needs before my own and i’ve been neglecting myself. pushing away not just the struggles and fears that life brings but the joy and happiness it has to offer as well. today i’m taking baby steps. opening myself up to the possibility of hurt and rejection. but also opening myself up to the possibility of love and beauty. trying to accept the fact that i don’t have to go it alone and that there are people in my life who will always be there for me to listen without judgement and help me pick up the broken pieces of the puzzle we call life.
