well this will be a brief and final update before i head out to catch my flight up to dc to run the marine corp marathon. the last few weeks have been emotionally draining. i’m in over my head with things with jc and it’s come to a breaking point of sorts. the week away should do me well. clear my head. distance me from things. i simply hope that i can pull my head out of my ass and get my focus back onto the run in time ~ 41 hours until gun.

my running lately has been minimal but strong. sunday’s run in the cooler temps was more than i had hoped for. it was just me, the rising sun, my ipod, the water. 10 miles of therapy. from a rational standpoint i can say it was a training success. a sub-9 minute average and legs that felt like air. from an emotional standpoint i can say it was life redeeming. a reminder of my love of the run and the heart i bring to it. the last few days have left that feeling fleeting but  it’s there. not far beneath the surface and i’m trying to put everything else aside and reach for that from this moment forward.

as for my goal … it’s still somewhat undefined. it will all depend on whether or not i get my mo-jo back.

my hope; sub 4:05
my acceptable; sub 4:08
my all time kick-ass-but-i-doubt-it’s-going-to-happen; sub 4:00

semper fi.

i’m not going to list my mileage the last week and a half. it hasn’t been bad but it hasn’t been impressive either and honestly at this point i don’t think it will make a difference for me to detail it. i am now officially in taper. in 11 days i will be running my second marathon and i truly don’t know what to expect at this point. my body is not happy with me. it seems every day there’s a new pain to contend with. sometimes it’s minor, others i find myself worrying over, wondering if i can get past it all before the race. i’ve been trying to take it easy. to not push my lingering injuries too far. triguy keeps telling me i’m ready but the trick now is to simply make it to the starting line without a major issue. if i can make it there … i can make it to the end. it’s good advice.

this past saturday was my last long run. a third go at 22.5 miles. with 2 under my belt i felt pretty confident i could handle another but at 4 a.m. when i left my house it was 81 degrees out with 96 percent humidity and i knew it wasn’t going to be pretty. that turned out to be an understatement. this was by far the most brutal long run i’ve ever attempted. by mile 4 i was soaked to the bone with sweat. though we took the pace easy and paid extra close attention to hydration, at mile 18 a group of us tossed in the towel and called it quits. it seemed unneccessary. stupid even to push through another 4 1/2 miles.

so now all i have is the hope and faith that i’ve done enough. this week and next have some light mileage and this saturday calls for a “short” ten mile long run. go figure we are finally slated to get a cold front and starting temps should be in the upper 50s. ironic yet still desired to see how i fare in what is bound to be similar to race conditions. at this point i’m not sure where my goal stands. there’s a part of me that still dreams of the sub-4 but i need to be realistic. can i simply go to run without a goal? i think we all know better than that. i’ll let you know next week.

week of sept 27
total mileage 27

sunday 4 miles ~ trails
average 9:20

monday off

tuesday  5 miles ~ home tread
average 9:00

wednesday 6 miles ~ gornto
average 9:15

thursday off

friday 12 miles ~ fishhawk
average 9:27

saturday off

shoes
asics gt-2140 112 miles

these days it seems that if it’s not one thing it’s another. after doing 22.5 again on saturday i felt renewed. ready to tackle the last few weeks of training and really aim to determine a realistic goal. though i was tired and my quads hurt in ways they’ve never hurt before, i seemed to be holding my own once again. the week was a bit bare on the miles but i was trying not to push after having been off-and-on down for a few weeks. since sab was home this weekend, i was taking friday off work for my long run and newB had planned to join me. but thursday night found her with a sinus cold that left breathing a bit of a challenge. friday morning she opted to sleep in and meet me at the midpoint of my planned 18. i wasn’t thrilled. though there are times i need to run alone. need the solitude and the inner-reflection that heals my heart. the long run is not the place i prefer to do so. 18 miles alone is a long long time inside my head and a rough night with jc a few days prior (to be written about soon) left me convinced that excessive inner refelction was best avoided.

i started off strong. my pace kept straying fast but it felt good. but by mile 9 i was feeling pain in my left calf muscle which i had mildly tweaked on my wednesday run. as i had suspected might happen, newB was nowhere to be seen at the midpoint so after a potty and rehydration break, i set out alone on the return trip. but about a mile in i knew i was pushing it. the calf was tight. any incline hurt and i felt myself compensating my gait which can only lead to no good. i made it about another mile when newB drove by trying to find me and she joined in for the last of the run. but it wasn’t another mile that i knew it was best to stop. long runs are about stamina and having done the full 22.5 the weekend prior i feel pretty sure that distance will not be an issue come MCM. it’s my lack of ability to do speed and hill work that will destroy my goal. but at this point it’s not worth pushing through any twinge that could become a bigger problem. so we stopped and walked it back to newB’s car and called it a quits.

i was disappointed no doubt but i also trust my instinct when it come to my body. i spent the next two days massaging the crap out my calf with the roller bar and feel it’ll be ok. but the frustration of feeling as though my body has completely revolted against me is truly taking a toll ~ physically and mentally.

week of sept 20
total mileage 26.5 running, 8 biking, :45 swim, :30 DWR

sunday 30 minute DWR

monday 45 minute swim (laps)

tuesday  off

wednesday 8 mile bike ride ~ flatwoods

thursday 4 ~ home tread
average 9:30

friday off

saturday 22.5 ~ fishhawk 
average 9:47

shoes
asics gt-2140 85 miles

i’m back! at least enough to know that MCM is still a reality. this week started off at an all-time low. my mood and confidence were shot and i was becoming more and more certain that my trip to DC was going to end up merely a social visit to friends. i continued my retreat to the pool ~ the self torture of DWR and a pathetic attempt at laps in jc’s pool on monday ~ but all i wanted, all i needed, was the run i’d seemed to have lost completely. tuesday morning i woke after a series of empty dreams fighting back tears and feeling lonelier than i have in years. i’m not sure how i made it through the day but by tuesday afternoon i was teetering on the edge of a meltdown and as soon as i got home i let myself fall. i went through every emotion i typically scoff at ~ anger, sadness, frustration, hatred ~ before finally ending with nothing more than a void.

wednesday morning i knew it was time to stop being stupid. i called my orthopedic and scheduled an appointment for first thing thursday morning. i needed to know once and for all exactly what i was dealing with and to know if it was time to give up. the first bit of positive came from the xrays. no fractures, no tears. clean pictures that brought an immediate sense of relief. but the tendons weren’t quite so nice and pretty. the achilles had behaved ~ a huge plus in the grand scheme ~ but the tendon along the inner side of the ankle was inflamed and adding insult and injury to the muscles surrounding. i waited for the verdict. held my breath expecting the words “it’s time to take a break” but dr. H ~ a fellow runner ~ seemed to know my life was in his hands. “i want to treat. and i want to treat agressively. you will be running this marathon.” oh, how i love that man!

step one was a week long high dose of oral cortisone. and step two was to get me into PT for application of dexamethasone ~ a topical anti-inflammitory that should bring some immediate relief. when i think of something being applied topically i picture a cream. maybe accompanied by a little rub. never did i expected to be hooked to little wires and have little electric currents sent into my tendon. it hurt ~ like a b%#@* ~ but i walked out of PT with a renewed hope. (side note … i get to go through this fun procedure twice a week until MCM.)

that very evening i hit the treadmill. three miles ~ pain free ~ was all i hoped for. it felt good, very good, and when i hit mile three i couldn’t bring myself to stop. i ended up doing four and i wanted so desperately to do more but resisted the urge to be potentially stupid. the next day was the true test and it hurt a little but nothing like i’d been enduring. but by friday night i felt a little uncertain about saturday’s long run. i knew i could do at least the nine i’d done the weekend prior. i hoped i could get 13.5 and my all out dream was to push through to 18. but what i made it to exceeded all my expectations … 22.5 miles … the entire run. it wasn’t completely pain free. but tylenol at mile 13 helped take the edge off and get me through.

as H and i came up the final stretch, i heard the faster runners cheering us in to our finish and i flashed back to crossing the line at disney. a chill of emotion rushed over my entire body as i remembered that feeling of pure unadulterated pride and elation. it took all i had to hold back the tears of happiness knowing that i will have that again in a few weeks when i cross the finish line at MCM.

week of sept 13
total mileage 19.5 running, 9 biking, 1:25:00 DWR (deep water run)

sunday 4 miles ~ trails
average 9:15

monday 35 minutes DWR

tuesday  off

wednesday 4 miles ~ trails
average

thursday 2.5 ~ home tread
average 9:45

friday50 minute DWR

saturday 9 ~ fishhawk + 9 mile bike ride
average 9:38

shoes
asics gt-2140 58 miles

another week where i feel my body has failed me. this injury has shifted, diminished, reappeared and at this point consumed me. every time i felt ok. every time i tried the run. the next day would find me with just enough pain and stiffness to know that it was too soon. thursday was the worst. two and a half miles on the tread and i found myself sitting on my garage floor fighting back tears of disappointment. not wanting to succumb to the mental defeat, i finally chose not to cry but to get angry and release the emotion in the punching bag. somehow beating the crap out of it seemed to help.

having pretty much come to the conclusion it was tendonitis, i felt no need to go to my orthopedic simply to be told to take downtime. so instead, on friday, i opted to see a therapeutic massage specialist. a guy who runs in my group rarely enough that we had yet to meet. he had sent me a couple messages on facebook with advice over the last couple weeks and i hoped maybe he’d have some deeper input. and, if nothing else, i’d get the massage i’ve long since been denying myself. seeing him was the only positive that came from this week. his diagnosis is that my pain is all muscular. what little tendonitis he found was in the front of my ankle ~ a spot that hasn’t bothered me at all. ultrasound treatment and a massage that hurt so good left me hoping that all would be ok. run, he said. listen to your body but try. so saturday i did and made it nine miles. though a vast improvement from the 2.5 on thursday, still a far cry from the 26.2 awaiting me in five weeks. and the pain i can’t define has lingered into today and i’m quickly losing the battle against pessimism.

i know i will run MCM. and i know i will almost certainly PR. my training is so far ahead of where i was at disney and my physical and mental comfort and confidence on long mileage vastly improved. but i also know it’s time to accept that the sub four hour goal is unlikely. though i can and will accept the disappointment, i fear it’s done its damage.

“the sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.” ~ thomas hardy

i don’t like being wrong. i don’t mean making a mistake at work or misstating a fact ~ though really i’m not a fan of those scenarios either. but what bothers me most is to think it likely that i’m wrong about myself. as someone who always thinks before acting, reflects upon my inner psyche and truly believes i know myself inside and out, it’s extremely confusing to suddenly wonder if everything i thought i knew has been everything i deny it is.

it’s been a little more than two months since the night we first kissed. a night that threw me into severe panic. i was certain i wanted nothing of the sort with him. through a year and a half of flirtation and friendship i’d maintained that there was no chance i’d ever want to alter the dynamics of our relationship. that night i ran away as he tried to follow. disappeared to meet a friend and try to sort through the unexpected overwhelming emotion. his constant texts asking for me to please communicate went ignored as i tried desperately to figure out how to undo the mistake i had just allowed to happen. the next day he respected my fear. allowed me the space i demanded and let me define the distance. a well-timed trip put hundreds of miles between us and i searched for stable ground. i forced down feelings and replayed the story to friends over tacos and margaritas unsure of who i was trying to convince more of my regret ~ them or me. truth be told, each day without a word left me just a little more empty. by the time i returned, i think i knew that the step had already been taken and it was simply a matter of time before everything changed.

from the beginning the limitations were clear. kids and training. work and friends. neither of us claimed to be able to give more than stolen moments and occasional nights. and the professional need for secrecy meant no one ever had to know i wasn’t the strong, emotionally controled woman i aim to be. my life, though suddenly different, could remain essentially the same ~ an ideal arrangement for a woman wrapped up in her independence.

but somewhere, somehow something has changed. the comfort of falling asleep in someone’s arms or the giddy feeling when he texts in the middle of the day for no apparent reason other than to say he’s thinking of me. unfamiliar feelings of insecurity and instability. words silenced on the tip of my tongue for fear of stumbling closer to a cliff i see as inevitable. i’m suddenly scared to death by what i see within me. i make the moments. adjust schedules to ensure the night. the silly texts are now my words and individuality fleeting as i find a comfort in the word “us”. the one who was supposed to be a simple pleasure is suddenly an every waking moment distraction.

but where i once was sure he would always harbor the stronger feelings. where i once walked and talked with confidence that kept him at arms length. i now wonder if the unstable ground, if the desire to let go and fall, is mine and mine alone. am i altering the agreement. asking for more than was ever an expected outcome. i hesitate to even ask. to even voice the confusion i’m trying so hard to ignore. can i wear my heart on my sleeve and not create a panic that destroys the potential. but is it him i aim to scare? is it really him i don’t want to lose? or myself.

there’s no point in even breaking out my mileage this week. i can sum it up in one short four mile run. toss in a 14 mile bike ride and a 40 minute deep water run and that’s all she wrote. the run was simply a test of the achilles and it failed. pain set in at about mile 3.5 and i knew i needed more time. so i retreated to the planned cross training but even that became minimal. every attempt was thwarted be it by timing, weather or other aches and pains. 

but where i’ve failed to challenge myself physically this week i’ve far made up emotionally. i feel as though i’ve been on a roller coaster of highs and lows ~ all essentially self-induced. without my run i’ve slept. too much. and where some see it as about time i relaxed, i know it as other. i’m avoiding. retreating from the thoughts that i can’t shut off in my head. trying desperately to run away from the over analysis and conclusion i’ve already written. i do not sleep. not in excess. i’m a creature of insomnia. of thoughts i curse yet relish. when i reach for sleep. when the bed becomes a cave. it’s not good.

in a few hours i’ll venture out hopefully in the rain to attempt miles. trials beckon and i pray for mud. i don’t want to run fast. i don’t need to push the body’s limit. but i need to feel the run. the water in my face and dirt seeping through my shoes. i need to escape these plagued dreams so tonight i can get no sleep.

week of aug 30
total mileage 34

sunday 4 miles ~ trails
average 9:15

monday off

tuesday  off

wednesday off

thursday 4 miles ~ home tread
average 9:00

friday 8 miles ~ NW
average 9:12

saturday 18 ~ fishhawk
average 9:37

shoes
asics gt-2140 34 miles (ah … new shoes!)

somehow this week was preface of what was to come. i think the 22.5 on saturday took more out of me than i realized! though i hit the trails for a short recovery run on sunday come monday (and tuesday) i simply had no energy to even attempt to run. wednesday i planned to get in a few miles but a trip to the doctor with sab and dinner with a friend, her boyfriend and jc kept me from the road. thursday night i finally got to hit the tread before an early morning eight on friday. saturday was “only” 18 this week and though i was tired going in, i was ready to knock it out and get my weekly mileage to a decent number.

but the last couple weeks i’d been ignoring a slight twinge in my right achilles. it never hurt when i ran, just a little after or in the morning when i’d first get out of bed. but saturday it took a turn for the worse and actually started hurting at about mile 15. not bad, but it was there. i stuck out the run and immediately went to 7-11 and bought ice. i like to play injuries smart (for the most part) so i’m down. off the run for at least a few days.

i’ve been here before. when i first started running three years ago i suffered a brief bout of achilles tendonitis. a week or so down and lots of ice and i was back up and running. but a week then meant very little. i was a newbie. training for nothing. it didn’t really matter if i ran or not. a week now means everything. and with a mere seven weeks until MCM i’m petrified of finding the right balance of enough time down to heal without letting my hard work as of late go to waste. but those of you that followed my disney training saga know i faced injury then as well and about the same point in training and i still bounced back and made my goal. but the goal now isn’t quite so easy. the need to maintain the level of training is imperative.

saturday night i opted to wallow in the self pity and eat pizza and drink a bottle of wine. but that’s all i will allow. so i busted out the rusty bike and bought an aqua jog belt. it’s time for a little cross training!

week of aug 23
total mileage 39

sunday off

monday 4 miles ~ hills on the tread
times 9:45   9:00  9:00  9:00  (estimated based on speed and incline)

tuesday  off

wednesday 7 miles ~ long gornto loop
average 9:00

thursday 5.5 miles ~ speed work ~ home tread
times mile warm-up at 10:00, 5 x 880s @ 4:00 with 440 cool downs, mile cool down

friday off

saturday 22.5 ~ fishhawk
average 9:43

shoes
asics gt-2140 452 total mileage (i know! i know! way too many miles on these things. bought a new pair yesterday!)

going into this week felt rough. i was tired and i simply didn’t want to run. sunday i skipped recovery. monday i shorted myself two hill repeats. and tuesday storms kept me from the only thing that i think could have enticed me to run ~ tri-guy and cold beer. but come wednesday i was itching to get back on the street and i made a schedule change to meet buns for a little brandonWest action. normally when we run gornto i drive to our meeting spot at the pony. it makes for 5.2 loop that usually is enough to satisfy a mid-week run. but i needed  more. not just because the schedule said so but because i needed to replenish the endorphins before i fell any deeper into lethargy. so i left the car keys behind, plugged into the ipod and dodged the traffic to run the mile there. after the loop, buns offered me a ride back home but by then i clearly remembered why i run and i bade him farewell and took it up a notch, pushing mile 7 to an 8:10.

thursday speedwork was tread bound again and i’ve strangely become a fan. i like knowing i’ll hit my times ~ precisely. no chance to slack and maybe as important, no chance to push too hard and burn out before the end. friday was another down day. not for lack of motivation but in preparation of the saturday long. i thought about putting in a few short miles to make up for those missed but decided it best to save my energy. i’d gone back and forth all week with a mileage debate. technically my plan called for 18 but i’d done that distance three weeks in a row and felt a need to step it up. the “other plan” had most of the group doing 22.5 but weeks back they had tackled a 20 where i hadn’t. so i figured a compromise was fair enough. i’d do 20 to take myself to the next step but not take the leap from 18 to 22.5 in a single bound. well so as not to bore you with a long story ~ one that includes me being traumatized by a MASSIVE spider ~ i’ll simply state what likely was the expected … i didn’t stop at 20. i felt good enough to go on and i didn’t want to leave my “wing-woman” H. we’d gone that far together and i knew we could get each other through the rest. i won’t lie. it hurt like hell. my legs were on fire and the sun we’d warded off with early morning hours was beating us down. at mile 20.5 we stopped for hydration and it took a lot of convincing for me to get started again. but we pushed through the pain and the doubt and took each other all the way to the end.

22.5 is officially my longest training run ever ~ and second longest run period surpassed only by the marathon. though it hurt and i’m still feeling repercussions today, i fared far better than expected and my confidence for MCM is strengthening. i will say that there is one thing that has become crystal clear and i aim to use this blog as a reminder for any future memory lapses. i will NEVER, never ever, train for a marathon during the hell of florida summer again. period!

week of aug 16
total mileage 39

sunday off

monday 5 miles ~ hills on the tread
times 9:45   9:00  9:00  9:00  9:45 (estimated based on speed and incline)

tuesday  4 miles ~ four green fields
average 9:00

wednesday 7 miles ~ home tread
average 9:50

thursday 5 miles ~ speed work ~ home tread
times mile warm-up at 10:00, 5 x 880s @ 4:00 with 440 cool downs, 1/2 mile cool down

friday off

saturday 18 ~ fishhawk
average 9:29

shoes
asics gt-2140 413 total mileage

though i don’t feel my heart is yet completely in my training, my mind finally is. this was the third week in a row i felt strong and insisted on the run, insisted on the miles. in fact, i exceed my planned miles by two. my long run called for 16 this week but the majority of the group is running a different plan than i am and had 18 scheduled so i opted to do the extra couple. where most in the group went with another coach’s plan for MCM i opted to stay with eko. he got me through disney right on target and i prefer his coaching style ~ hands-off and flexible. initially he’d planned to ensure my long runs coincided with the other plan but there’s a little discrepancy that i’m simply working around.

much of this week was run on the tread including a first time attempt at speed work on the evil machine. i was actually nicely surprised. once i found security in my footing at the target speed, it was nice knowing i was right on pace for each of the five 880s run. in spite of the fact my tread is in my garage, so there’s no reprieve from the brutal summer temps, i didn’t feel quite as spent as i do when i run track.

this week’s 18 was even better than last. where i’ve been too conservative in the beginning miles the past few weeks, this week i found the perfect pace with H and we pushed each other enough to feel the burn but not too an extreme. the front nine was still a bit slower than the average ~ a 9:40 ~ but we took the back nine to a 9:11 ~ a solid pace increase for negative splits. the temp was a few degrees cooler ~ though the humidity was still rough ~ and it made a definite difference. i’m really counting on the hope that the weather for MCM will be cool, dry and ideal.

this coming week looks to be chaotic on the personal front ~ first week of 4th grade for sab, need to turn one of the rentals after a tenant moved out with no notice, have a busy work week and need to get a better understanding of this dating thing. so i foresee a few challenges this week but i’ve got a good rhythm going and i’ll find a way to make this week work too!