ugh! the funk i was determined not to get into arrived far sooner than i had hoped. i tried. really. i searched out and found a willing victim partner to join me at the gym a couple times a week. slowandsteady is far from my ideal. he’s got a long way to go before anything he can do is challenging for me. but at least it gives me someone to answer to. someone helping me commit to the promised time of crosstraining. i kept appointments with the yankee. ultrasound and massage. his positivity that everything is minor a lift i know i need.

but saturday i ran. an easy three. ok maybe sub-9′s aren’t exactly easy but they should be. and when everything hurt i lost all faith that i’m going to be ok. it’s not just the calf anymore. and not just the hip. it’s the knee. and even the ankle. are they connected? i’m sure. but what’s what at this point? is the calf connected to the hip ? the knee connected to the ankle? right now all i know for sure is that all are connected to the heart. my confidence shot. my hopes dashed.

it’s time for another mri. no doubt. not sure where i’m scrapping together my portion of what insurance won’t cover but i’m done guessing. i don’t believe anymore that it’s something just time will heal. i don’t believe i over do it. well maybe sometimes. but not now.

i’m going to keep moving forward. i’ve got to. i’m still determined that by summer i will not only have all injury resolved i will have done enough cross and core training to feel comfortable running in only shorts and a sports bra! gut be damned. i’m going in search of my abs.

this week was
monday 20 mins elliptical plus upper body weights
tuesday off
wednesday body pump
thursday off
friday p90x yoga
saturday the power of 3 ~ a class with cardio and strength training that ended with yoga based relaxation. can’t say i was a fan but it filled the time left by a cancelled body pump expectation.
sunday a long walk with the hunter and the pups

it’s a start. a week without miles but not a week without wellness.

out with the old
on my last day at work before the holiday break i felt an impelling need to let go of harbored heartbreak. standing in jc’s office door i could sense his curiosity and as i bid him a merry christmas i pushed all pride aside. “can i have a hug” i asked with trepidation. “of course”, he stammered, obviously shocked. it was simple. awkward. walls still between us that will never be gone. but it was done. i forgive. yet i’ll never forget.

resolve
the calf had been doing ok. not great but comfortable to eight, one solid 10 and the tough mudder 12. sometimes a little lingering discomfort but nothing that seemed of concern. but on the last day of the year, i headed into the woods. i felt it around mile seven but it wasn’t until the thinker tripped and i had to stop and restart that it really began to bother me. mile eight i had to walk. one thing about the trails, there is no letting someone run ahead to come back and get you in the car. thankfully, gentleman that he is, the thinker stayed by my side. two miles alternating a walk and barely a jog. i haven’t run since. it hurts. it’s wrong. and the doctor isn’t an option right now. financially i’m catching up from christmas. probably will be for awhile. and there is no budget for copays. but i’m over it all and it’s time to stop pretending and pushing. as of now i resolve to be balanced by summer. hip strengthening. core work. it’s all connected and it’s time to stop masking the deeper rooted skeletal issues that keep me from staying injury free.

family affairs
i knew it wouldn’t be easy. i’d spent two and half years avoiding the potential drama. a week at my mother’s can pose challenging enough but with my older brother living there i had to bite more than just my tongue to even dare. the pre-trip request to wait and do presents the day after sent me seeing red before we even arrived. and the plane trip up was interesting to say the least complete with a sweet yet unique in-flight proposal ~ he asked. he said yes. ~ and a less-than-comforting request for any passengers with medical experience to aid in an emergency. seems southwest knew to start my trip with a twist! and the rest of the week followed suit. a christmas morning “situation” that left me furious to the selfish games some divorced parents play with their children. plans not upheld. confirmation that things will always revolve around him and his. but i did it. me and mine survived. and now no one can say i’m the cold, unforgiving bitch. and if nothing else, i got my day in boston with an amazing friend and myrtle the turtle.

the bigger picture
in nearly nine months together the words “i love you” had yet to grace our lips. many times i’d come close but always tripped over the words. they don’t come easy for me. nor for the hunter. new year’s eve was our night. our christmas. our holidays rolled into one. he opened first. a lightning jersey custom printed with his name and the day of our first date. manly enough that no one but us need know the hidden romance. and the perfect selection to wear to his other gift, our evening plans of the hockey game and private pre-game reception.

my gift from him was obvious from the moment i walked in his house. he had joked for months. my bedroom tv too small to satisfy his every need. thankfully it’s the only place he’s not satisfied in my bedroom   we both had to laugh at the fact he even bother to wrap the huge box on the floor. but before i ripped into the paper i had to open the card. the front was beautiful. a christmas poem of all things joyful. but it was what he wrote inside that made my every christmas wish come true.

merry christmas and happy new year sweetie. we seem to be a very good fit together so i hope this is the first of many holidays we spend together. love, the hunter. and yes, becelisa, i do love you i just have problems finding the right time to say it.

this was far from what i expected. it didn’t matter that his first i love you was in pen instead of words. i knew it took him opening his heart completely to say it even in ink. and later, after a wonderful night out, he opened it further. looked deep into my eyes. “i really do love you, becelisa. i really do.” and that was a far better gift than the 32″ flat screen.

in with the new
i’ve always dreaded that midnight moment. ask me for one memory of happy and i’d be tongue tied over tales of disappointment. i don’t need much. just real. our night had no grandiose glamour. an exciting (and thankfully winning) lightning game. followed by the best seat in the the house for all the area fireworks ~ the hot tub. i can’t explain how perfect it was. just us. a cool night. an amazing moon and stars. masked only by the colorful explosions of all shapes and sizes. he decided he needed to go check the time just in case it was close and he walked inside. not 30 seconds later he came running ~ and i use the term running loosely. cautious not to slip on the deck. maybe a little love drunk . he leapt back into the tub and as he reached to kiss me we heard yelling from the neighboring houses … “ten, nine, eight …” he hadn’t wanted to miss it. that moment. midnight. we let the neighbors count it down and then for the first time ever the new year started with a moment i will always remember.

i won’t run through all 23 obstacles. or all 12 miles. get me started and i’m sure i could ramble on and on about every amazing little spec of dirt. so though often rare in my posts, a picture is worth a thousand words and i see no better way to detail the day.

team “we like it dirty” ready to face the tough mudder tampa challenge!

front row: mcC, me, the new girl and brewski. back row: NG's hubby, the drill sargent, the lion, the euro, the ironman and the thinker.

the initial plan was to stick together, but not far in it became obvious we needed to split. mcC had twisted her ankle pretty bad the tuesday prior and was lucky insane enough to still be running. and the new girl and her husband simply were slower runners. and though we hesitated to go ahead, the rest of us knew there was no way we could hold back the need to push hard.

within the first mile we jumped into massive vats of ice water. not cold water. ICE water. a truck off to the side ensuring there was never a lack of frozen cubes covering the surface we had to dive beneath. for a split second it didn’t seem so bad and then it hit hard. like millions of little needles being stuck into every part of your body.

mcC taking the icy plunge

as soon as we were dry, we were wet. for 12-miles we were in and out of man made muck. mud. water and more. keep in mind we were running through cow pastures and a steeplechase. mmmmm nothing like the fresh smell of manure smeared across your entire body!

this is what i get for throwing mud on his back

there was no doing it alone. tough mudder pushes camaraderie. team work. and the obstacles in our path forced us to work together to achieve new heights. that’s me in the upper left.

together we faced no wall too high

after scaling the 12-foot wall above , i stopped to catch a snake who had slithered on course and was bound to be trampled. none of the guys on my team seemed willing to get near it so someone had to save the poor little guy.

me and my new friend

hills. smoke. spider webs of rope. and mountains of hay. some obstacles were easy. some tough. some made us face our fears by crawling into small underground tunnels or taking a 15-foot plunge into water below. the ironman took that one to new extremes. can you say belly flop?!

that's gonna' hurt!

the obstacle i feared most was the half pipe. with a lingering calf muscle injury, the required sprint straight up was risky especially with almost 12 miles and frequent temperature changes already taking a toll on my muscles. honestly i didn’t think i’d make it but i knew i had to try. we watched for a few and before my guys went up i asked what i needed to do.  “just don’t stop running”, the lion told me. “we’ll be there to catch you at the top.” and that they were.

don't. stop. running.

the final obstacle was the one most dreaded. electric wires. some dead. some with upwards of 10,000 volts. a guy to the side controlling the flow so no two shock patterns were ever the same. another spraying you with a hose before you played with wires. the euro got it bad. actually blacked out but instantly popped right back up to cross the finish line before he really had time to realize what had happened. i got it in the hip. a shock so hard that i felt run down my leg, into my calf and “hit” the scar tissue that’s been my bane for months. an odd after-the-fact: though not perfect, since that day my calf has yet to cramp the way it had been. forget pt and ultrasound. apparently a little electric-shock therapy works wonders!

shock treatment

through mud and water. fire and ice. we didn’t simply live up to the challenges, we had fun!

we definitely like it dirty

i was right in that i didn’t make it across the monkey bars. with a mere two rungs left i lost my grip and went down. i definitely hesitated ~ though not for long ~ before leaping off the plank to the water below. i could barely walk the next day and i think i’m still scrapping dirt out from under my fingernails. but i can’t look at this picture and not feel like a strong, beautiful and TOUGH ASS woman! can we do it again?

tough mudder

but this past tuesday night something made me start to think otherwise and i hate to admit that it started with a chance meeting earlier in the day. the drill sergeant and i were finishing up a workout. a run followed by monkey bars. flipping two-hundred pound tires. and more in preparation for tough mudder. as he pushed me through the pain, we couldn’t help but marvel at the rope jumper off to the side. the strength and grace in this guy was amazing. jokingly the drill sergeant called out if he wanted to join us for TM and low and behold he yelled back that he is running it already. saturday not sunday like us. but it led to a conversation.

let me preface this by saying i am crazy attracted to the hunter. he’s everything i’ve always physically wanted in a man. six foot. intense icy blue eyes. goatee scruff. built just enough and with amazing arms (easily my favorite part of a man’s body. well second favorite maybe ) with just enough ink to show the rough side behind the clean cut. looking at him you would never guess he’s 40 and given i’ve always preferred younger men that’s a definite plus. so i was shocked that for the first time since the day i met the hunter i was mesmerized by another man. and even more shocked that he was 5’8″ at best and easily pushing into his late 40s. yes he was a physical specimen to marvel. but it was his eyes that held my attention. i couldn’t tell you what color they were. but i could tell you they radiated a passion and intensity yet sincere kindness that seems so rare. we talked mudder. we talked hip and si joint. a similar issue he overcame. he walked me through pt exercises to help. talked me through the chronic doubt that i’ll ever be pain free. when the drill sergeant and i finally left i was disappointed yet almost relieved that i was walking away.

that night the hunter and i were going to a hockey game. he’s a huge lightning fan. i’m a love it but could leave it kind of gal. but i was excited about the gift of great seats from a friend of a friend and knew we had a fun night ahead. but less than 30 seconds in, the canadians scored. bummer. oh well. sucks but so be it. but i was floored when the hunter threw out a pretty loud insult to the opposing fans. it’s a game dude. and they are just as welcome to cheer for their team as we are ours. he apologized and bit his tongue going forward. sort of. though the words were (mostly) kept in check, i could tell each goal took him further and further from fun. we didn’t just lose. we got our asses destroyed. it was a quiet ride home. and as we pulled into my driveway i was shocked when the hunter almost didn’t get out of the car. “oh, did you want me to come in?” um yeah. we long since passed the days of you drop me off after a date. but what really floored me was when the candles and music and my naked body in bed led to a comment about the ceiling fan and the fact that he wasn’t in the mood. really? because of a hockey game? as i blew out the candles and pulled up the covers, i asked him if he was staying though given even his shoes had yet to hit the floor i already knew the answer. he said it made more sense for him to go home since he had to work they next day and i didn’t. i told him to leave and retreated to my side of the bed and my internal analysis about what really was the right way to handle this? some guys take their sports to heart. though i can’t understand it, i always try to respect differences. if he wants to be moody over something i see as stupid then that’s his prerogative. but i really didn’t want him to do it on my time. he never left. hours later i still lay there thinking as he slept soundly. the next morning i woke to his arms around me and the first words of an apology for “behaving like a child and ruining our night.” i really still had nothing to say. no words of acceptance or understanding. he asked if i was still coming over that night? wednesday night plans of a workout and a hot tub to lead into a simple day of thanks. i managed to nod but it was half-hearted at best.

last night was upper body intense then a retreat to the heat. neighbors or not the hot tub is never quite g-rated. but this time it was him on his side me on mine. some talk of the stars. random conversation. but not once did i reach for him. not out of spite or paybacks for him turning me down the night prior. though not a regular occurrence, it wasn’t the first time he’s needed a break from my over active libido. but i simply didn’t have any desire. and as i listened to him talk i heard a voice in my head questioning. analyzing. destroying. we went through the motions of the rest of the night. dinner. tv. bed. this time he reached for me and i ~ as always ~ reached back but suddenly love and sex seemed so far distant from one another and i wasn’t sure i was where i wanted to be.

today i needed to let go and for that i know only one thing. but rather than simply run away i asked him to go with me. trails. woods. my heaven. i ran, he biked. though he enjoyed it i’m not sure he recognized the rite of passage into my retreat. but it’s one he wouldn’t understand any way. i suppose much like i’ll never understand why a lightning loss need be taken personally. afterward we enjoyed a simple turkey dinner. our kids out of town there was no family, friends or fanfare over a holiday neither of us take to. no overindulgence. no drama. football followed by a nap on his lap. giving thanks.

relationships are a give and take. moments of clarity that can quickly turn to complete lack of comprehending each other. acceptance of differences. comfort of similarities. i know there is no perfect. yet somehow i still prefer to hold onto the unattainable fairy tale. maybe it leaves me a reason to say i need more. i’ve never been good at staying.

my daughter knows about the hunter. she has for awhile. she may only be 11 but she gets her type-A, rational demeanor from me and we’ve always had a line of communication and understanding that i’m pretty proud of. we’ve talked openly about the risk of her getting attached to something that may not last and she respects the fact that i don’t want her to meet him … yet.

the hunter’s girls ~ ages 11 and 8 ~ don’t even know that he is dating. at least not that i’m aware of. he’s had one other relationship since his divorce and they introduced the kids pretty quickly. the day after they did, his youngest went to school and announced to everyone that she was getting a new mommy. his girls wanted him to get married again. to be a family. and when things fell apart, they were devastated to go through another split. so understandably he’s been extremely hesitant to risk putting them through anymore heart break.

but the other night the hunter sent me a text that suggested he’s close if not ready to make that step. though it was the most amazing confirmation of his feelings for me, it caught me off guard and i unexpectedly find myself hesitant. i’m not sure what i’m scared of. it’s not that i think we would be jumping the gun and bringing the girls into a less than solid relationship. though the last few months have had some rocky moments, i honestly feel the hunter and i have been building a solid foundation to what i think could be a long-term future. we’ve been slowly chipping away at the walls and fears we both hide behind extreme rational, analytical personalities and it’s almost uncanny how similar we are. and i don’t think i’m worried about the girls not getting along. though i can 100 percent guarantee there will be pre-teen-girl hormone raged days where they all hate each other, i feel we are both pretty solid in our parenting and don’t think we would be any more dysfunctional than the average “real family” with three girls close in age.

but i suppose in some ways it’s not about the kids. it’s about me. about taking a huge step out of my comfort zone. for nine years it’s been just me and sab. yes, her dad is here and involved but my house ~ OUR house ~ is just me and my girl. we have our way of doing things. silly mommy/daughter rituals. rules. routines. i know kids are flexible. they adjust. the question is, would i?

i’m seeing the yankee somewhat regularly for ultrasound treatment. once, sometimes twice a week if i can fit it in my schedule. i know we’re dealing with excessive scar tissue on the calf at this point so hopefully this will help. tough mudder is in three weeks and i have absolutely zero intention of backing out.

given a need to start back into things slowly, i decided to try to make the switch toward a more minimalist shoe. though i like my five-fingers i’m not sure that they would or should be something to run in regularly, so this past friday while trying on my regular asics i decided to try on a pair of newtons as well. B3 ran in them the last four or five months she was here and raved about them and i had yet to read or hear a negative review. the newton motus ~ their stability shoe ~ was like heaven on my feet. and when i put the asics back on to compare, i felt like i had bricks on my feet. i was sold. i have yet to run in them. i knew better than to take them out for 8 on saturday and sunday never gave me time for a run so tonight is the night.

the past few months have been a major struggle for me. and i know it’s not over. but i am really going to try and change my approach and my outlook. attitude is half the battle and mine hasn’t helped. though i can’t guarantee i will shake off all the self pity, it’s about damn time i try!

now runners know we shouldn’t increase our mileage ~ weekly or long ~ in much more than 10 percent increments. especially when coming off an injury. but i’m not always the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to intelligent running and i like to think i know my body best. so saturday i enlisted the therapist as a partner in crime to help me dare the flats.  i knew she would have no problem going the distance but i also knew her pace was slower than my norm so my hope was she would keep me in check.

as feared we woke saturday morning to a forecast of rain, rain and more rain. but it looked light and we opted to take our chances. it wasn’t bad when we started. humid and drizzly but not long in the cool front pushing through took over and the weather cooled and dried just enough to make it comfortable. it felt good to be out again. to venture further from home not fearing a need a retreat. i wanted to run. really run. and a couple times the therapist had to pull me back. but given all givens there was nothing discouraging about the slow and steady 10:45 average for eight miles!

i won’t lie and say all was peachy. the last mile or so the calf got really tight and the next day my si and hip weren’t too happy with me. but a little ultrasound and massage from SR had me back on the tread on monday for four. i’m slow. i’m iffy. but i’m back. and just in time! only four and a half weeks until tough mudder!

first and foremost, i can not rave about the stick enough! i’m not a huge “product pusher”. what works for one may not work for another but if you’re a runner i really think you need one of these. i have no doubt it has made all the difference in my calf.

last night i ran 3 miles ~ nothing breathtaking i know ~ but i held a 9 minute pace. again nothing to write home about but considering anything faster than a ten as of late has been impossible due to intense tightness in my calf, i’m thrilled with a 9 minute mile! and the best part … so far today i feel no worse for the wear. now i’m a two-dayer when it comes to muscle pain so tomorrow could change that but i don’t think it will.

on top of the running improvement, i’m feeling a lot more hopeful about things with the hunter. this past weekend was my annual crazy weekend of work events. friday was a 15 hour work day and saturday morning started with a 4:30 a.m. alarm. event after event. fun but exhausting. the last part a football game that the hunter joined me for. i admit that the talk we had the other night left me ready to retreat at the first sign of hesitation on his part but from the moment he arrived at the stadium he was 100 percent there and invested in us. a heartbreaking game followed by an early dinner and then back to his house. we spent most of the evening in the hot tub. it’s become one of my favorite places to be with him. leaning back into his sexy chest. staring up at the stars. music playing. as we talk for hours about the most random thoughts. i couldn’t have asked for a more perfect way to end the day. sunday i was ready to slip out mid-morning. i won’t add to the pressure he’s put on himself and i wanted to respect his need for space. but he suggested i hang a little longer. go out for lunch. watch the bucs game. relax. it was early evening when i finally headed home.

and to add to the stress relief, my big boss made a little detour to my office the other day with the news that a few select people would be getting a performance bonus and i was one. $1,300 added to my next paycheck will certainly take a little financial pressure off the upcoming holiday season. christmas in cash … that’s a damn nice surprise!

hopefully this is all a start to me digging out of the black hole i have been in. i know getting my run back will make all the difference. funny how a form of exercise can alter my world so drastically but running really is my cheap therapy. my time. my escape. my hope.

but with this ongoing calf issue. knots that won’t go away. tightness and discomfort. i finally broke down and bought one online. worse case scenario i put the rolling pin back under the kitchen counter and use the real deal versus my makeshift.

ups delivered it tuesday afternoon and i immediately put it to the test. who cares that i was sitting in my office and had to hike up my pant leg to do so. i didn’t even bother to close my door. these people already think i’m insane. ice packs down the back of my pants. frozen golf balls in the freezer to aid plantar fasciitis issues. no one bats an eyelash at my body woes anymore.

from the first pass over my calf i had to stiffle cries of pain. oh! my! god! that shit hurt! but almost in a feels-so-good sort of way. no doubt that stick was hitting the knots in my muscle that my foam roller and rolling pin couldn’t quit reach right. yesterday i rolled a few times. not for long durations. not even quite as hard. but i’m determined to loosen up this calf and do away with these knots once and for all. and last night i ran. not far. not fast. 2.5 with my dog and my kid on her scooter. both kept my pace in check. my dog has an over-heating condition so i knew we had to go slow if i brought her along. and the kid had just finished track tryouts and had no desire to speed scoot. so a nice 10-11 minute pace was where we stayed.

i’m not going to try and say i feel great and everyone should go buy a stick. my calf still hurts. running was tenuous. and i’m tight and achy today. but maybe not quite so much. i can stretch the calf and not feel like i want to cry out of frustration. i can still feel knots but maybe not quite as defined. so i’m hopeful that maybe this thing might actually help to a degree.

and if so, i’m busting out the rolling pin and baking something to celebrate! i just hope it doesn’t have a biofreeze flavor. on second though … publix bakery might be a far better option!