unspoken

November 20, 2007 at 10:04 pm 1 comment

statistically i know i’ve little to fear. every morning as i jump into my car, slightly rushed with coffee in hand i face more consequence. a simple sunday jog to the park yields more danger. an average day is perilous in ways i never truly see or feel. yet somehow in the last six or seven years i’ve let myself be consumed by a  fear of flying. it started when i had my daughter. the rare trip i had to take alone left me pondering what would happen to her “if”. how could she survive without her mommy. mortality suddenly had definition.

but somewhere along the lines it became more. these days even flights with her by my side bring irrationality not common to my character. i don’t understand it. hard core statisticals facts that rule so much of who i am are powerless to supress the often paralyzing fear.

i think what scares me most is the possibility of leaving things unfinished. unspoken. unshared. words that for one reason or another never find their flight.

in 9 1/2 hours those words will be 20,000 feet above the ground. praying with each mile crossed that they will safely find the solid ground i need to hide them behind. words i ache to say yet never find the courage … i still love you. i am jealous of what you have. i need you more than i care to admit. i never want to speak to you again. i lied. i do it too. i resent you. it takes all i have to resist. you need to get help.

too much to say. not enough time. i need more time. these moments aim to remind me of the importance of time. which fear is more irrational? that of plane trips or that of sharing what i hide? if i had the courage to speak would i have the fear of flight?

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Entry filed under: fear, relationships.

spiders web once upon a time

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. gr4c5  |  November 21, 2007 at 10:11 am

    so much to say…I’ll narrow it down to this: secrets hidden in pockets can be dangerous to only one. Spoken word, moreso, to many.

    Reply

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