ms. independent

January 2, 2008 at 11:45 am 2 comments

i like to think of myself as emotionally healthy. i’m a confident woman and rarely allow myself to let life’s challenges bring me down. i have a wonderful career that i find rewarding and outside the office i thrive on being the best mother, friend, daughter, sister and individual that i can be. i’m blessed with good health and have hobbies that are both physically and emotionally beneficial. i recognize how lucky i am and try not to take a moment of time for granted. but all my strength and self comprehension, all my soul searching and self acceptance, all my emotionally healthy psycho-babble still leave me missing the final piece of life’s puzzle — a happy healthy relationship.  i’m a 35 year old twice divorced woman confused by the concept of love.

i can’t deny my past has been a factor. my parents’ relationship certainly didn’t offer up a good example of love and acceptance. affairs and anger eventually led to a divorce that lingered over time and left three small children as pawns in a selfish game of tug of war. i don’t believe my father really cared to have us around but he couldn’t let my mom “win” and take something away from him. he remained a father simply out of his own egotism.

at the age of ten i found myself with a step-mother. a woman my father had introduced us to only once before announcing their nuptial bliss. she was the daughter of a prominent family in our city. lucky to be born with a silver spoon in her mouth but cursed to be born legally deaf. such imperfection marred the image desired by her family. the classic ugly duckling cast aside and left to live in the shadow of socialite perfection. she was weak and timid. defined by the clunky hearing aids that allowed her to hear the softest of sounds. she came to my father for guidance. a doctor of psychology she put her trust into his hands. what she wanted was to learn how to love herself. what she became was a marionette controlled by a man who lavished in her wealth and stature. it took six years before she essentially had a nervous breakdown and “became” a new person going as far as to change her name and entire existence. when she left, she never even said goodbye to me — the 16 year old stepdaughter who’d likely been one of the few to love her quirky imperfection.

my mother never remarried. a beautifully eccentric woman she remains scarred by a past i’ve yet to fully understand. she did the revolving door thing for awhile. “friends” would stay awhile and then almost as quickly as they became a part of our life, they would walk out never to return. they were all nice enough. at least through the eyes of a child. but after awhile i got tired of wasting my time getting to know them. why bother when they weren’t going to stick around. in my early teens one actually moved in. years later i’d learned that he had been having an affair with my mother and left his wife and kids for her. he was as pathetic as my father … the kind of “man” that preys on weakness simply to mask his own. after a few years his daughter moved in and around that time the games really began. he sat on his throne and played us all against one another. fabricated stories and misguided affection created distance and mistrust among a household desperate to be a family. there was never physical abuse in my childhood. not of me nor around me. but the emotional abuse i watched my mother and step-mother endure have surely left a lasting impression on me as a woman.

early relationships found me as the victim. a mirror image of the women who raised me. but i took the time to face the demons of childhood and have come to terms with hurt and anger. i’ve forgiven who i can and cut ties with who i’ve needed to and i found a strength that often still surprises even me. i am a very independent, very secure woman. and though i’m not scared to be alone, my preference would be to have someone to share my life with. the problem is i’m not sure i know how to share my heart. where i used to think it was that i simply hadn’t found the right guy, i’m now thinking i play an active role in ensuring failure in potential relationships.  

i’m not scared to be in love. or at least i don’t think so. i’m not hiding hurt and anger behind a facade of security though i’ve been told that’s how it oft looks from the outside. i am all i claim to be. i love myself and truly believe that i can succeed at anything i put my mind to. i have good days and i have bad but i have faith that each is a learning experience. challenge in life is what allows us to truly feel the exaltation of success. i have this strength. this self-reliance that allows me to stand on my own two feet. only problem is, it’s become almost an obsession to be able to stand alone. 

i’ve been dating someone for a little more than a month now. it’s nothing serious at this point but this one feels different than the attempts as of late. most men hardly phase me. i take control and i define the boundaries. where we go, what we do, how they fit into MY world. but i’ve already adjusted schedules and made time where there usually wouldn’t have been. i’ve offered more insight and found more interest. i like him and enjoy the time we spend together. but already i’m ten steps ahead. already i’ve defined the reasons why it won’t work. already i’ve found fault in places i truly have no business to be yet. are the little red flags valid or am i making sure i end up where i’m most comfortable … on my own?

i am little ms. independent and i’ve no idea how to slip and fall in love.

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Entry filed under: relationships, Uncategorized.

my name is … morning “pit” stop

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. gr4c5  |  January 3, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    I stub my heart on love all the time. The trick is to bump into a love that doesn’t hurt. I’m no expert but here’s what I know: love finds you when you stop looking and when you do have love it is never, never easy. So, I guess you could say it’s a pain in the butt…Take it one day at a time and you will be fine. Stay out of the past and forget the future. Live (and love) for today.

    Stepping off the soapbox now…

    Reply
  • 2. becelisa  |  January 3, 2008 at 4:06 pm

    please don’t step off the soapbox. i know you’ve had your struggles with love as well and it helps me to hear from those i’ve seen find it. i’ve known you a long time and you’ve seen me make mistakes and have to live through heart breaks. you know me well and i value your opinion both of love in general and my approach to it.

    and on a totally different note … we’re 38 days out. if you’re still coming down here we should probably talk soon…

    Reply

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