thirty-something single

January 30, 2008 at 10:51 am 2 comments

“there are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. how much do you love me? and who’s in charge?”

before i read that line i think i had begun to question my sanity as of late. seems these days i obsess about my relationship status, or, to be more accurate, my lack there of. from the moment i open my eyes in the morning until the late night hour that sleep finally prevails, i find myself wondering why it is i’m comfortable in my solitude yet miserable in my loneliness. there’s a conflicting desire that consumes me and it’s become a tiring battle that i’m not sure how to win.

i must say, this has to be the most awkward time of life to be single. i’m not young, naive and adventurous with my whole life ahead of me and i’m not settled and secure with responsibility behind me. i am a thirty five year old divorced mother damned and determined to give my daughter all she deserves while at the same time trying hard not to neglect myself as a woman. i’m unsure if i want to get married again and equally as indecisive about having another child someday. and i’m sure as hell not sure where to meet men who are willing and able to deal with a self reliant woman with admitted control issues. nor am i even convinced i want to!

i’ve tried blind dates. one that almost resulted in the untimely demise of the friend who subjected me to that evening of hell. i briefly dated a guy i met in the grocery store check out line only to realize that by date three he had our wedding date picked out and our future kids named. i’ve even tried the online dating thing and though i’m not opposed to it, i find it awkward. words and pictures can not convey the chemistry i feel ultimately plays a role in the determination of compatibility. the perfect pretty boy may catch my eye but he’s not going to capture my heart if he can’t stimulate my mind. and for risk of sounding shallow, the most intelligent, sweet and sincere gentleman will fail to keep my attention if we lack a certain physical magnetism.

but let’s say i do find him. the one who intrigues me physically and intellectually. well, then i find myself faced with the dilemma of incorporating him into “my world”. i look back at when i was in my twenties and have to laugh at how that sometimes seemed difficult to do. merging friends, hobbies, apartments. the biggest argument stemming over whose hand-me-down couch was the lesser piece of crap. now it’s issues like non-compatible child custody schedules or whose house to attempt to sell in this crappy economy and whether or not to refi the others mortgage and allow joint ownership. and friends and hobbies … forget it! i barely find time for my own none-the-less trying to add someone else’s into the mix.

sometimes i think it would merely be easier to casual date until i’m in the next phase of life. once my role as a single-parent is a little less demanding and once my financial position is, with any luck, a little more established in retirement plans and goals. will i find it easier to accept love once i feel it less necessary to keep in control.

but at the end of each day, as i lie down in bed alone, i know that’s not what my heart truly wants. i know i need to lessen the grasp i have on the control i desperately cling to. maybe it’s time to admit to myself that i need someone other than me.

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Entry filed under: relationships.

morning “pit” stop i’m not ready

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Red Wine Gums  |  January 30, 2008 at 2:51 pm

    We all do. Admitting it helps us get through it

    Reply
  • 2. becelisa  |  February 8, 2008 at 10:01 am

    thank you. i’m not good at admitting weakness and somehow i see needing something or someone as weak. i realize (sort of) that i need to change that or i will find myself forever-single.

    Reply

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