i’m not ready

February 3, 2008 at 10:31 pm 1 comment

in seven days i run my first half marathon and i’m not ready. not physically, not emotionally. not at all. don’t get me wrong. i can do it. i will do it. and it’ll be within my personal goal time of 2 hours 15 minutes. but i’m still not ready. this race is a physical challenge for me no doubt. the distance i’ll cover. the pain i’ve chosen to ignore. the exhaustion i’ll face. it will be 13.1 miles of stubborn determination after which i’ll likely need weeks if not months to recover.

though i always wanted to be, i am not a natural born runner.  i have these teenage memories of jogging through my neighborhood, stopping every few blocks, willing myself to choose the pavement over the cigarettes. wishing i could want to be the athlete rather than the party girl. it never happened. i tried again in my twenties after having my daughter. the perfect body and never ending energy had both disappeared and i needed something to feel better about myself. once again, the nikes in my closet merely collected dust not miles.

but somehow over the last year and a half i’ve become that runner. somewhere along the line i found “it”. the rhythm. the internalization. the depth. the focus. the spirit.

i truly believe i owe my run  to two poeple. and though i know neither of them need to hear it, i want them to know that every step i take next weekend will be because of them.

h … you were my beginning. if it hadn’t been for you i never would have found the strength to take those first few miles. i can’t express how happy i am that you will be here next weekend. sunday night when we’re on bottle of wine number two, you’re bound to see tears of gratitude for making me the runner that i know am. but those tears of joy will likely become tears of concern … i’m worried. i feel i’m parallelling your run. the knee issues we talked about awhile ago have increased. i’m avoiding a lot. living in denial. i want to talk to you about it but it’s a conversation i want to have after i cross the finish line. not before. you being here means more than you know.

d … i would have given up long ago had it not been for you. regardless of where you are now. at mile one you believed in me. at mile 13 i know you still do. i would give anything to have you here next weekend. the dream of running with you has yet to diminish.

maybe i am ready. at least for the race. but it’s what comes after that worries me. i’ve got choices and changes that need to be made and some are bound to leave me broken hearted. but one concerns me most. i’m not ready to stop being a runner and i’m scared that’s where i’ll be.

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Entry filed under: running. Tags: , , .

thirty-something single euphoria of agony

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. gr4c5  |  February 3, 2008 at 11:23 pm

    You will NOT stop being a runner! Who knows, you may kick my butt back into finding my run! Have faith, my friend. I’ll see you soon! xoxo

    Reply

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the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
10k pr ~ 52:49
half marathon pr ~ 1:55:10
marathon pr ~ 4:10:41
half ironman pr ~ 5:57:50
50k pr ~ 5:33:23
50-mile pr ~ 11:32:39

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