friendship

April 1, 2008 at 10:09 am 4 comments

i’m on the edge of walking away from a friendship. one that’s been a part of my life for a long time. when i really rationally think about it, i find i’m dumbfounded as to what i’m still doing in the relationship at all. i could sit here and recount story after story of how my friendship has been abused and manipulated. but when i’m on the spot and she cries about how important things are to her and how much she cares, i find i too care and i’m wrought with guilt about turning my back.

there are times i feel as though i am too judgemental. i live by certain standards and morals that i am passionate about. i am by far not perfect and have certainly made more than my share of mistakes along the way. i know i’ve let people down and worst of all i’ve let myself down. but at the end of the day, i truly try to recognize and understand my choices and the repercussions i have to face from making them. and i accept my failures.

where i’m having difficulty here is not knowing if i’m not capable of accepting this friend’s failures or if i have accepted so many that i feel unjustified to walk away now. i don’t know if i’m taking my own moral standards and expectations and holding them unfairly above her head knowing that she can not reach them. nor do i know if i have any right to feel she should. 

in trying to determine what to do, i continually go back to the question “what do i get from this friendship” and i have to say that i instantly feel guilty posing that question to myself. am i supposed to GET something? is that what friendship is? honestly i’m very self sufficient so i admit it’s hard for someone to be there for me sometimes. and though i don’t feel she necessarily has been there when i do need someone, i’m not even sure that’s what bothers me.

i am exhausted. tired of picking up the pieces and constantly giving. sometimes she asks, sometimes i just do. sometimes she expects, sometimes i insist. sometimes she crosses boundaries, sometimes i have unrealistic expectations.

i know i have faults as a friend. but i think i know i’ve done more than enough and given what i can. why then am i finding it so hard to walk away.

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Entry filed under: relationships.

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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. gr4c5  |  April 1, 2008 at 11:04 am

    My dear, I am the queen of walking away from relationships. Call me shallow, but if I have outgrown the person or if they are harmful to the balance in my life, I leave. It takes courage to end anything. Good luck ~ xoxox

    ps~ I owe you a phone call!

    Reply
  • 2. becelisa  |  April 1, 2008 at 12:28 pm

    you are anything but shallow and i for one respect the kind of strength it takes to walk away from harmful relationships. when i look at friendships in my life like the one i’ve had with you, ones that have lasted for decades and have been through ups and downs, i’m reminded of the balance and beauty of what friendship truly is. give and take. respect and communication. heart and soul. yin and yang. thank you for being an amazing friend. xoxo

    Reply
  • 3. gr4c5  |  April 1, 2008 at 3:22 pm

    You said the magic words: give and take. In your situation, giving up a friendship is taking away someone else’s ability to take you for granted. There is strength in recognizing what you need in life and not just what you want.

    Reply
  • 4. timeforme  |  April 17, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    Seems like many are going through this right now. (Self included) I applaud your strength! It is hard to know when and even harder to do it.
    Ditto gr4c5!

    Reply

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