mother may i

April 10, 2008 at 7:46 am 3 comments

i hate florida. i’ve wanted to leave here for quite sometime now. i miss the color of seasons. i miss landscapes that consist of more than just another alligator infested swamp. i want hills and mountains to hike and explore. i want culture and sophistication more than just a beach bar and flip flops. 

unfortunately i can’t just pick up and go. my ex husband is here and in spite of the fact that he’s my ex, i do respect him and i wouldn’t feel right taking our daughter away from him. but not long ago he asked me if i wanted to move. it caught me off guard and left me with hope and elation. yes. adamantly YES! he asked where and i hesitated. given my first choice i would pick new england. the boston area. in spite of our differences, i miss my family. i find jealousy in the stories of sunday dinners or my mom’s regular role as grandma to my niece and nephew. but knowing it would be too far from his comfort zone, i offered up a compromise. north carolina. extended family for both of us and a proximity much more comforting to him.

it looked promising. he sounded eager and then all of a sudden the discussion stopped. he ignored my questions. yesterday he finally responded. “i don’t want to move”. that was it. end of discussion. as if i was dismissed. an already bad day turned worse and anger, an emotion i rarely allow myself to fall victim to, boiled up inside.

i’ve always chosen to put my daughter first. no question she is my priority. i know she needs her father and he truly is a good dad. but where i have no regret putting her first, i wonder when i get to come second. when do i get to do things my way. am i to simply sit quietly and live another ten years in a place i find no comfort of home simply because my ex husband likes his job. when is it my turn! i’ve always thought i’d simply sacrifice. that’s what parents do and nothing matters more than my daughter’s happiness and security. but the resentment is increasing. the resentment i’ve long harbored towards him for me being here.

we weren’t supposed to come back. while we were still married we moved for his job once, and the next choice of residence was supposed to be mine. but he panicked. worried incessantly about going someplace we knew no one and had no jobs. where i believe in myself and my intelligence and know i will succeed, he needs an upfront guarantee. so we retreated to a place he knew. back to florida. i’ve been discontent since we moved back. but i’ve always chosen to bite my tongue and suck it up. but i can’t do it anymore. i’m angry. very angry.

yesterday i found my voice. the anger overpowered the guilt of selfishness and i told him the discussion is not over. i want to move. period! but the question remains can i find the strength to follow through with it. or will i continue to surrender to the maternal guilt. i am a mother first. i wish i knew how to balance that with simply being me.

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Entry filed under: parenting.

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3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. gr4c5  |  April 10, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    uuuughhh! Let’s set aside some time to talk…

    Reply
  • 2. timeforme  |  April 17, 2008 at 3:59 pm

    Having been there and done that, my heart feels for you.
    Hard as it is to believe at times, this too shall pass and an answer will be there. But, being a mother first never seems to end and can often be a thankless job.
    (((hugs))) I am finally learning that anger is allowed! Scary huh?
    Oh, I poked my head in here from gr4c5’s page 😉

    Reply
  • 3. becelisa  |  April 18, 2008 at 8:53 am

    timeforme~ thank you for the confirmation that it’s ok for me to be angry. it’s an emotion i tend not to visit and one that’s very hard for me to accept inside myself.

    visit anytime you like. i’ve been reading you as well.

    Reply

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