boston

July 1, 2008 at 2:40 pm 3 comments

maybe it’s time i show the weakness that rarely gets worn on my sleeve. to share a little of the not-so-strong woman that prefers to hide behind the confident one. maybe the tough girl “i don’t want to fall in love” blogs are masking what i really need to say. but it’s hard for me to admit to anyone else, none the less myself, that my heart doesn’t belong to me. he stole it and in spite of choices made he still holds it on a string that tightens every time i’ve almost managed to escape. it’s as though he knows. senses my release and grabs for what he knows is still his before he loses it forever.

the story of boston is one that can’t be written in a mere paragraph or two. it stems back more than a decade to a brief romance prefaced by a broken heart and a friendship disrespected. a triangle that led us to each other but kept us from trusting what i think we knew even back then. i didn’t want to love him. the unwritten rule said he wasn’t allowed to love me. we tiptoed around the past and ignored the potential future. we lived in the moment simply enjoying what came so naturally between us. … until i left. a decision that i do not regret yet one i never could have known would haunt me in years to come.

it was eleven years later that i opened pandora’s box and a birthday card fell at my feet. his sweet words scrawled across the page brought a smile to my soul and i wondered where life had led him.

a google search. an email sent. a reach back across the years. when my phone rang and i heard his voice the time and distance seemed all but real. lost in the laughter and memories we found that same instant connection we’d had back then. by fate chance i held a plane ticket to visit family not far from where he was and we made plans to meet. just two old friends wanting to share our stories over dinner.

when he walked in to that restaurant it was as though not a moment had passed since i’d left. his smile was captivating. his green eyes piercing. and his childlike nervousness endearing. we picked at our food unable to focus on anything except each other finally giving up on the charade and finding a quiet little hole in the wall bar with a pool table and strong drinks. if ever i was certain in the concept of soul mates it was that night when his lips touched mine again and i knew i was still his.

once again we found ourselves in a triangle. once again i didn’t want to love him and he wasn’t supposed to love me. this time we tiptoed around the present and made plans for the future. we spoke of our forever. we dreamed of our everyday. we bridged the distance between us with plane flights, emails and hours of conversation. he wasn’t just the one i loved. he wasn’t just my dream. he was my best friend. the one who knew my every facet and loved me for my every imperfection. we knew the challenges we faced ahead. the choices and the sacrifices we would have to make to be together. but we had already lost eleven years and couldn’t dream of letting another go by apart.

i’m not sure how to make what happened make sense. i was so sure there was no doubt but the sacrifice proved too much for him and i can’t blame him for making the choice he did. one of the things i love and respect most is that he is an amazing daddy and those two little boys deserved him more than i did. he had to try. had to fight. had to choose. and when he told me his decision a part of me died.

months of silence allowed me to slowly heal. had he loved me the way he claimed to have loved me he never could have walked away so easily. i told myself that destiny was a sham. soul mates a childish dream that didn’t exist. and i was almost convinced when the call came.

his voice was sad. anguished. it became apparent that he had loved the way he claimed and still did. his every day was as much a struggle as mine. but it still changed nothing about the way things had to be and as much as it hurt, i knew he wouldn’t change his mind. little by little the calls increased. i welcomed them. i missed my best friend and the comfort i got from having him even slightly back in my life helped fill the emptiness of not having him mostly in it. but it wasn’t fair to anyone to continue. not him. not me. and mostly not her. she who i can’t help but think about. it was last november i found the strength to tell him i had to let go. unexpectedly i’d found myself with an open door before me that i couldn’t walk through without telling him goodbye. it was only fair, he agreed, that i have a chance to find what we both knew he couldn’t give me.

but he’s done it again and somehow i knew it was coming. for two days prior everytime i heard the beep of an incoming text my heart skipped a beat and i was sure it would be from him. i don’t know how but i just knew. it was a simple message. belated birthday wishes followed by a back and forth banter about life and running. almost as though i was texting with a friend i’d spoken to yesterday. no mention of the seven months of silence and the situation unchanged. and it scared me to realize how easy i could fall right back in again. a quick final statement and i shut the phone cringing everytime it went off wondering if he would respond or leave me to have to piece myself back together again.

it’s been one week now and though letting go gets a little easier every time i wonder if this will ever truly be over for either of us.

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Entry filed under: life, relationships. Tags: , , , , .

fidelity i think you already know the answer to that

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. gr4c5  |  July 2, 2008 at 7:11 am

    sometimes there is strength in exposing vulnerabilty and with it comes clarity.

    sorry about Sunday. long story. too much drama on this end.

    i’ll email you. xoxoxoxo

    Reply
  • 2. my, myself and i « becelisa  |  September 15, 2010 at 9:34 am

    […] i miss … boston. […]

    Reply
  • 3. becelisa  |  November 6, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    […] only started running about four years ago. support for a friend and a dream of running with boston. i wasn’t a natural runner but it wasn’t long before i found a love for it. a need […]

    Reply

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