i think you already know the answer to that

July 21, 2008 at 10:03 am Leave a comment

i had to ask. i tried so hard not to but i think i knew that it was simply a matter of time. the text sat there in the draft folder ever since i’d heard from him. many a time i went to send it and before i could push the button i’d come to my senses and shut the phone. but the other night those senses, and the rational thought process behind them, fell victim to the influence of vodka on the rocks. does drunk texting constitute drunk dialing? the moment it went through i wished it back. i already knew the answer so why even pose the question. was i hoping for something unexpected or needing confirmation of the inevitable. did i simply want him to know how close i’d be. or did i really hope to see him one last time.

i wasn’t surprised when there was no imediate response. he wouldn’t get it right away. not to that in box. but i tried to imagine the words that would come across when he did write. tried to pen them in my mind. tried to create the miracle. yet i couldn’t convince even the dreamer in me that there would be anything more than the expected read.

i never did get the reply text. i got an unexpected phone call. his words still masking an underlying sadness that i don’t think i simply choose to hear. the conversation was what i expected. what i already knew to be the best decision. but my reaction was something new. the emptiness i expected to feel never opened up. the hole in my heart wasn’t a vast expanse that left me aching for something unattainable. maybe i asked the question for a reason. i knew what the answer would be but maybe i simply needed to actually hear it.

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Entry filed under: life, relationships. Tags: , .

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