day 22

November 3, 2008 at 9:53 pm 3 comments

boston’s voice has never been far from reach. words i’ve hung onto afraid to never hear again. some as comforting as “i love you”. others as painful as “i’m sorry”. some with laughter. some with tears. replayed time and time again. after each my voice mail continuing to remind me ~ “this message will be saved for 21 days”. a mere 21 days was all it would allow before i’d lose the only part of him i had left. but i couldn’t let him go and i learned all too eagerly that day one can be recreated indefinitely. his words. his voice. my demons.

the other night, i asked for help. ms independent reached out to a friend for a shoulder and a swift kick-in-the-ass. i admitted my avoidance but still attempted to justify my reasons. she didn’t fall for it. sometimes it helps to have a friend who will simply listen. console with compassion. understand and agree. and i can’t thank her enough for giving me none of that crap. she laid it out plain and simple. what better way for a planner to face the demons than with a schedule to do so. one at a time, with 22 days between each, i was to erase his words. with fear and apprehension i tentatively agreed and hours later when we said goodbye i took the first step and let go of a little piece of an oppressive past. one down. five to go.

it was only a few days later that i opened the unexpected. an email from the spider. he who every now and then reaches out to me in an attempt to draw me back to the web of deceit that was our relationship. it had been more than a year since our last words and those were simply in passing. far longer since i realized i could forgive yet never forget. no regret. no lingering anger. simply put our end was sad. 

his email asked for friendship. a basic request. nothing more. but i read far beneath those words and saw ulterior motive and whether there was any or not, i’ll never know. i wanted to say to him “it’s time to let go. i’m gone. forever. save yourself and stop looking back. you deserve happiness”. but as the words i thought were his played out in my mind, i realized they were mine. the release i dreamed for him was likely the release boston dreams for me. a parallel i’d never seen.

after i wrote a brief goodbye i knew what i had to do. one by one i listened to my demons. and one by one i let them go.

i have finally reached day 22.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, fear, life, relationships. Tags: , , , , , , .

10 weeks ’til mickey beautiful disaster

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lacey  |  November 4, 2008 at 9:23 am

    I know its hard to let go of so much history and move on because you know deep down that he can never just see you as a friend but is also not capabale of being the man you need and there is still that ” but what if he could” voice in your head but he has never learned to love himself so how can he TRULY offer you anything substancial and how could you ever really trust him again? A lasting relationship platonic or otherwise has to have a foundation of trust. I don’t want to ramble and I don’t want to be somneone who reminds you of what you already know, I just want to reaffirmate that you did the right thing…
    and…
    I treasure your friendship.

    Reply
  • 2. sarah  |  November 4, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    congratulations for getting to day 22!

    i’m always available for a kick in the ass or a shoulder to cry on. whatever you need 🙂

    Reply
  • 3. becelisa  |  November 5, 2008 at 8:08 am

    sarah ~ thank you. and that works both ways!

    lacey ~ the best thing that came out of my relationship with the spider was your friendship. thank you for being an incredible woman.

    Reply

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