new year

January 3, 2009 at 5:24 pm Leave a comment

another year has come to a close and a new one has begun. i’m optimistic. i’m energized. i’m excited … i’m full of shit!

i’m not sure why i find the way we choose to celebrate the arrival of a new year so asinine. i’ve never felt the excitement and allure as so many do. maybe it’s because i have yet to have a new year that rings in with a night destined to leave lasting memories ~ at least not good ones. i’ve been stood up and let down. i’ve been the first on the scene of a liquor store robbery and found the owner, a man i knew quite well, shot in the back ~ thankfully he survived. i’ve been out on the town searching in vain for the night to remember and i’ve stayed in for quiet nights of reminiscing and comfort. and every new year’s day i’ve awaken with the same feeling ~ disappointment.

for some reason this year seems to be worse than those of recent memory. lately i’ve had a feeling of internal disquiet which i can’t seem to define or quell. it’s consumed every bit of my spirit and i spend each day faking the strength and optimism that typically abound. life is not overwhelming. i handle the day in and day out as perfectly as always. the career is enriching. the kid is incredible. the running fulfilling. the household in order. and sometimes i even think the disaster is becoming a little less disastrous every day. yet i feel as though i’m missing something. a calling. a need. a direction i’m supposed to be going in that continues to elude me.

i find implacable frustration in the fact that when forced to look behind and evaluate the failures and successes within the confines of a nice neat little calendar year all should be ok. i can pin point the acheivements ~ my run, my daughter, day 22. i can accept the dissapointments ~ injury, not moving, a lost friendship. all said, the last 365 days are ones that should impart feelings of acheivment and obstacles overcome. a year in a life well led. but the feeling i’m left with is anything but what should be. we all i know that i am a rationalist and therefore it’s the irrationality of this unrest that is completely foreign to me.

it’s hard to find answers when the problem has yet to be discovered.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, fear, life, parenting, random, relationships, running. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

2 weeks ’til mickey running naked ~ or 1 week ’til mickey

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