who’s to blame

February 27, 2009 at 6:37 pm 2 comments

for all my inability to find it, i still believe in the fairytale. in true love and happily ever after. i hang on to the faith and belief that someday my prince will come. but as of late, i have been surrounded by heartbreak. divorce seems rampant and i’ve been dragged into the drama and asked to choose sides. it’s made me question life. question love. question people. and it’s not a place i like to be. i am the eternal optimist. a glass half full kind of woman. but these last few weeks my optimism has wavered and i’ve begun to doubt the genuine goodness and honesty of those around me.

i’m her support network in an accusation ridden divorce. the anger and insults. the escape drinking. the lies. the attorneys. the drama. i’ve tried to be a backbone. the rational one who could help talk her through his gutless threats and immature behaviors but it wasn’t long before i was being sucked into her world. she was subconcioulsy dragging me down to keep her company in her despair. needing me to quell her guilty conscience.

i’m his shoulder to cry on in a simple love lost. he can’t quite find the strength ~ or the money ~ to leave. they talk about it all the time. she’s seen an attorney. he’s trying not to go that route. but she’s baited him into the anger. wants the fight. wants the win. he had thrown out the white flag. was willing to give up more than expected to simply to walk away. but now he’s taking up angry arms ready for the confrontation.

i’m an unwitting player in their game. drawn into the middle of a situation i  should have been strong enough to stay out of. i opened up pandoras box and allowed it to make me doubt what i’d already believed to be true. i reacted in ways i shouldn’t have. lost self respect and likely lost a friend.  

i don’t understand why people insist upon hurting one another. how can something as beautiful and pure as love turn to such blatant hatred and lead otherwise intelligent people to play stupid immature games. life is a learning experience. each day molds us and we change. we grow. sometimes together. sometimes apart. it happens. why does someone have to be to blame. i’m not naive. i know divorce is never easy. someone gets hurt ~ every time. but i don’t understand the need to take that hurt and lash out trying to make the other person suffer. it doesn’t solve any problems and it doesn’t make it any easier. is it insecurity that causes us to, when faced with adversity, simply react with venomous defense rather than proactively search for a positive solution. tell me … is intentionally hurting the one who hurt you supposed to make you feel better?

i can’t even be here anymore. not for her. not for him. i have to take care of me and right now i am simply tired of being sad. sad for those that will lose precious time succumbing to the anger. life is short. and i choose to live it.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, fear, life, relationships.

perfection tonight

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Tania  |  March 3, 2009 at 1:33 am

    Just dropping by.Btw, you website have great content!

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  • 2. Run DMT  |  March 3, 2009 at 9:31 am

    Oh honey! 😦 I am so sorry that you have been dragged into that drama. You are right. You have to take care of yourself and just walk away from all of that. (((HUGS)))

    Reply

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