me, myself and … us?

September 15, 2009 at 10:05 am 1 comment

i don’t like being wrong. i don’t mean making a mistake at work or misstating a fact ~ though really i’m not a fan of those scenarios either. but what bothers me most is to think it likely that i’m wrong about myself. as someone who always thinks before acting, reflects upon my inner psyche and truly believes i know myself inside and out, it’s extremely confusing to suddenly wonder if everything i thought i knew has been everything i deny it is.

it’s been a little more than two months since the night we first kissed. a night that threw me into severe panic. i was certain i wanted nothing of the sort with him. through a year and a half of flirtation and friendship i’d maintained that there was no chance i’d ever want to alter the dynamics of our relationship. that night i ran away as he tried to follow. disappeared to meet a friend and try to sort through the unexpected overwhelming emotion. his constant texts asking for me to please communicate went ignored as i tried desperately to figure out how to undo the mistake i had just allowed to happen. the next day he respected my fear. allowed me the space i demanded and let me define the distance. a well-timed trip put hundreds of miles between us and i searched for stable ground. i forced down feelings and replayed the story to friends over tacos and margaritas unsure of who i was trying to convince more of my regret ~ them or me. truth be told, each day without a word left me just a little more empty. by the time i returned, i think i knew that the step had already been taken and it was simply a matter of time before everything changed.

from the beginning the limitations were clear. kids and training. work and friends. neither of us claimed to be able to give more than stolen moments and occasional nights. and the professional need for secrecy meant no one ever had to know i wasn’t the strong, emotionally controled woman i aim to be. my life, though suddenly different, could remain essentially the same ~ an ideal arrangement for a woman wrapped up in her independence.

but somewhere, somehow something has changed. the comfort of falling asleep in someone’s arms or the giddy feeling when he texts in the middle of the day for no apparent reason other than to say he’s thinking of me. unfamiliar feelings of insecurity and instability. words silenced on the tip of my tongue for fear of stumbling closer to a cliff i see as inevitable. i’m suddenly scared to death by what i see within me. i make the moments. adjust schedules to ensure the night. the silly texts are now my words and individuality fleeting as i find a comfort in the word “us”. the one who was supposed to be a simple pleasure is suddenly an every waking moment distraction.

but where i once was sure he would always harbor the stronger feelings. where i once walked and talked with confidence that kept him at arms length. i now wonder if the unstable ground, if the desire to let go and fall, is mine and mine alone. am i altering the agreement. asking for more than was ever an expected outcome. i hesitate to even ask. to even voice the confusion i’m trying so hard to ignore. can i wear my heart on my sleeve and not create a panic that destroys the potential. but is it him i aim to scare? is it really him i don’t want to lose? or myself.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, fear, life, relationships. Tags: , , , , , , , .

sleep sets in the damage is done

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. B.o.B.  |  September 16, 2009 at 9:51 am

    1. go with your gut girl. (you can tell me this in return. i may or may not take my own advice.)

    2. let go. (again, may or may not listen to myself.)

    3. lastly, glad you are happy. (i can see that you are. and feel that i am)

    Reply

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