one today at a time

November 9, 2009 at 8:52 am 1 comment

i’ve gone and done it. slipped and fell. let down all the defenses and admitted to him ~ and to myself ~ that i am in love. my confession was abrupt, unexpected and ill-timed ~ or maybe ideally. he was sitting on a plane. only minutes to share before the flight attendant’s insistence that all electronic devices be shut down for takeoff. it wasn’t a sweet revelation. there was no joy in the words i wrote. the frustrations and fears i’d faced for weeks prior all came through in a jumbled mess of love and loss of faith. shock, hurt and fear were all he had time for before there was no choice but to leave words hanging in the air.

my expectation was that we were through. i needed it to be over. i needed to find a way back to solid ground and try to understand why the confidence i typically harbour had all but vanished. i was less than 48 hours from running a marathon that he’d stolen every ounce of emotion from ~ a feat i knew was potentially impossible if i didn’t regain some focus. and mere hours later it was i who was on a plane ~ off to see if i could find myself along that 26.2 mile route of childhood memories.

but that night i knew i needed to say what i’d only had the courage to write. i realized he deserved respect and maturity and an explanation. i finally felt ready to face the apology and what i felt was an inevitable goodbye i’d been running from for weeks. but apparently hours on a plane with nothing to do but think about what i’d said had opened up a door he’d shut on me. the fear that he’d succeeded in his attempts to push me away were a reality he hadn’t been prepared to face. the least we could do, he asked, was to try and regain the friendship we’d started with. take baby steps back to us. and communicate about all we’d been avoiding.

i took the time away for me. the race, the friends, the city, the memories. but the week was filled with words of comfort and hope. flirtations and expressions. dreams of maybe. i didn’t want to get my hopes up. to be taken back in to a place of insecurity and inconsistency. but i knew that if i walked away i’d be faced with inevitable regret and always be left wondering “what if”.

once home and locked in each other’s arms we talked about all angles. it won’t be easy he promised. he was “freaked out”, unsure about going straight from there to here. but a week apart was empty. my absence unexpectedly hard. he admitted he “more than likes me”, “probably loves me”. and simply asked that i don’t give up.

i’m taking a deep breath. letting go and jumping off the edge with no guarantee of what’s to come. i anticipate a rocky road. there’s really no avoiding it given all given. the challenge for me is to simply enjoy. not worry about what the future holds. i have no idea if he’s my tomorrow. but today we make sense. it’s not easy for me but i’ll try my best to take this one today at a time.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, divorce and co-parenting, fear, life, parenting, relationships. Tags: , , , , , .

my final hoo-rah! running past yesterday

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. sarah  |  November 9, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    great blog! i admire your bravery in both situations!

    Reply

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the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
10k pr ~ 52:49
half marathon pr ~ 1:55:10
marathon pr ~ 4:10:41
half ironman pr ~ 5:57:50
50k pr ~ 5:33:23
50-mile pr ~ 11:32:39

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