the finish line

December 22, 2009 at 9:59 am Leave a comment

i haven’t written in weeks. my running is sporadic. christmas continues to elude me and my heart is broken. as i bring 2009 to a close i can only hope that i can put what has been a rocky latter half of the year behind and rediscover the strength i know i have.

there’s no real need for me to detail the reasons for the relationship failure with jc. though i feel there are certain aspects over which i have the right to be angry, for the most part no blame can be attributed to anything more than bad timing. i like to hope that someday we can reestablish the friendship we had for so long before trying to be together, but to be honest, i’m not sure its something of which i am capable. i love him. very much. and to allow him back into my world in that capacity would merely be a tease and an excuse to keep alive a tiny bit of hope that i think is best cast aside. today marks one week since i’ve heard his voice or seen his face and in that week i have yet to go one day without tears. the day will come soon, very likely today for that matter, that i will have to see him. and i simply hope that i am enough of a professional to separate there from here. i have taken some time to explore and accept my role in things and the pattern i tend to play by has become clearer. and i know that much of this is not about him. so much more is about only me. that discussion, my friends, will follow someday soon when i have a better grasp on having to come face to face with painful self disappointment.

as i slowly regain firm footing and collect the emotions that are scattered around me, i am also prepared to recommit to the run. he never asked me to stray, but i chose to give him much of what i gave the road. now, my heart belongs again to me, to the miles, to the sound of empty footfalls on a long stretch of road or the dirt path that leads to nowhere. last week i made the decision that i will not run the gasparilla full. i need to heal ~ physically. i need to heal ~ emotionally. to take on another 26.2 right now was an avoidance with potentially dangerous results. so i stopped to breath. accepted the step back. and i am going to allow myself time to remember i run for fun. i run for emotional release. i run for camaraderie and friendship. i do not run to win. i do not run to prove a point. i do not run for anyone other than myself. last night i took the first steps in over a week. they started timid but found the rhythm. 4 miles. not completely pain-free. but by the time i was done i knew that the injury was more to the heart than to the ankle and that in time both would heal.

i’ve never been one for new year’s resolutions or the fan-fare that ends one calendar year and begins another. but this year i must find some peace of mind in putting things behind me and looking forward to the unknown that awaits. and this year i vow only one thing ~ to let go of the fear of letting others down and allow myself the right to define MY life.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, fear, life, relationships. Tags: , , , , , , , .

running past yesterday week one of my tomorrow

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the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
10k pr ~ 52:49
half marathon pr ~ 1:55:10
marathon pr ~ 4:10:41
half ironman pr ~ 5:57:50
50k pr ~ 5:33:23
50-mile pr ~ 11:32:39

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