the lost post

March 19, 2010 at 7:46 am 1 comment

this one’s for you bgirl

things with jc ended right before christmas. it’s hard to go into detail as to why but basically it boiled down to we’re simply at different places in our lives. i’d been single since boston ~ three years ago ~ and had hit a point where i wanted to share my life with someone. and he was just getting out of his marriage of twelve years. we’d been friends for awhile and somehow, not long after he and his wife split, the dynamics of our friendship started to change. i fought the feelings for awhile. there were more than enough reasons why we shouldn’t have crossed that line, but eventually i let myself go and we came to realize that what lay beneath were feelings that we had been hiding even from ourselves. we tried, i think, to find a balance between what we both needed but it simply didn’t work. my heart was full, his was broken. the closer we got, the more he pulled away. then the more i pulled away in response, the more he grasped back so as to not lose me all together. eventually we realized we were ruining what had once been a great friendship and we had to walk away. but neither of us knew how to fully let go. we tried again briefly after the new year but the same dynamics plagued us and as much as i knew he cared, he couldn’t give me what i needed and i couldn’t hold on and risk that i was merely his stepping stone to rebound.

it took a little while but i was able to put myself back together. the times i’d have to see him weren’t easy but i eventually reached a point where they no longer elicited tears. i reached out once, after getting stuck alone in a room and forcing our way through some awkward conversation to break the silence, but the response i got made me retreat immediately and gave me that final conclusion that we were through.

so i was completely caught off guard by the text that came across my phone about a week later. i tried not to misread it but as the words went back and forth i didn’t think i was. he needed to return something of mine and we needed to find a way to bridge the icy gap that i had put between us in order to heal. later that night, when he walked in my door the first thing he asked was if i wanted a hug. needing to feel his arms around me i caved into his chest and we stood there, silently, for what seemed an eternity.  i wanted to kiss him. i wanted to get lost in his arms. but fear of getting hurt again brought me back to reality and i broke the embrace. we sat for a long time. opposite sides of my couch. conversation not about us but about life the last couple months or so we’d missed out on each other. in almost two years we’d rarely gone a few days and i missed my friend so desperately. you could tell we both wanted more. little comments were made. slight touches of the hand. but neither of us seemed to want to give in ~ the fear i think not being of rejection but of where we knew it would lead. but i couldn’t stand it. i knew the potential repercussions but i didn’t care. “meet me in the middle” i whispered, and we reached for each other. there was no going back. the intensity of us can’t be denied. and later, lying next to each other in my bed he laughed ~ a sound i love so much ~ and asked “so, was that the break up sex or the make up sex”. i wasn’t quite so sure what to say and he answered his own question with “let’s just say it was the maybe everything is going to be ok sex”.

over the next couple of weeks i tried to remind myself to be careful. to hold back enough of the heart until i knew for certain he wouldn’t do what he’s done in the past. he texted. he visited. we talked. we laughed. as always we were plagued by hectic schedules and time together was minimal but we stole another afternoon together and this time lying across his couch with my head in his lap, i laughed and asked if it was the break up sex or the make up sex. “it was the everything IS going to be ok sex” he said. and at that moment i let myself believe.

but a few days later i started to feel him disappearing again. less smiles. less words. less flirtations and no talk of time. when he left for a week away with no word of goodbye, i knew he’d done it again. the day before yesterday i told him he had to make a decision. bring something more to the table and see if there’s something left of what we used to feel, or tell me it’s completely over and let me go so i can move on with my life. he couldn’t give me an answer. which was for me, decision enough.

if i’m not the one thing you can’t stand to lose
if i’m not that arrow to the heart of you
if you don’t get drunk on my kiss
if you think you can do better than this then i guess we’re done
let’s not drag this on
consider me gone

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, relationships. Tags: , , , .

little runner girl the bitch is back

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. bgirl875  |  March 23, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    This explains a lot and reminds me of a couple of past situations in my life. It’s so hard to love someone so much but have the constant reminder that maybe you aren’t meant to be more than really great friends.

    For me it takes so much to trust and love unconditionally, so I always find it’s easier with a friend. But then when things don’t go well, it makes it so much hard because you are losing a lover and a friend.

    Love is such a puzzle, and I think it takes an eternity to truly figure out the winning combination. But I do believe that when it’s meant for you, it will just work. There won’t be anything left unsaid, it’ll just feel right for you both.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Reply

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