can’t we just be friends

April 19, 2010 at 8:40 am 3 comments

i wrote this before i left for vacation but hesitated to post. sometimes i find myself wanting to keep the focus of this blog more on running. but then something happens and i need to write. to toss around thoughts and words as i try to answer questions about life, love and the pursuit of happiness. but i hate to sound like a broken record. or to come across as one of those women who isn’t strong enough to walk away from making the same mistake over and over again. but it helps me to write it. to read it. to share it.

i always thought falling in love with my best friend would be ideal. yet somehow i always fell first then, after passion and excitement faded, found myself in relationships built on nothing. but those i was friends with never seemed able to steal my heart past the point of platonic comfort.

jc was my friend. my every day of idle chit chat about everything and nothing. the one whose touch did nothing but comfort and whose smile simply brightened my day. until one fateful night he kissed me and sent my world into unexpected disarray. i can’t deny that it was horrible awkward at first. i couldn’t wrap my mind around things and relax enough to let myself enjoy the new direction we were headed. but little by little we began to make sense and all defenses came down.

but now look at what we’ve done. beneath my tough girl independence i found a heart that was ready to love. beneath his comedic front was emptiness that couldn’t. we can’t be together but we make no sense apart. we both know it. neither of us know what to do about it.

last night he reached out again. missing his friend and hating that i hate him ~ classic defense mechanisms i can readily admit to. he wants to go backwards. to that time when we were everything and nothing. but i don’t see how i can go back to simply being his friend. how do i listen to his laugh, see his smile or feel his hug and not be able to kiss those little wrinkles around his eyes or run my fingers through his dark hair. how do i allow him to share his hopes and dreams knowing that they don’t include me.

but wait. the story changes. as i write this he is grasping for more. questions about nothing that he admits are “feeble attempts to reach out to me”. i’m caught off guard. given how i lashed out and reacted with a rare seen anger i really didn’t expect he’d so soon forgive and forget. but maybe it resonated. maybe it was warranted. whatever it was, he’s here. again. leaving me questioning decisions made and dreams put to rest. “maybe we can talk when you get  back from vacation” he asked. “maybe i can stupidly open my heart to more gaping wounds of disappointment and instability” i wanted to say. but all i could muster was a simple “we’ll see”.

i spent all week away looking for an answer yet was unable to find one. part of me is done. relieved to be back on solid ground and confident that he doesn’t deserve me. done with his inability to commit and give me what i need. but then a little doubt creeps in and i think maybe, just maybe, i really have finally fallen in love with my best friend this time and we just need to figure out the insecurity we both bring to the relationship. but the feeling that resonates most is an emptiness. a belief that i really do exist better on my own. that i will never have what i dared to dream because maybe it really doesn’t exist.

how do dreams die? do we kill them or simply realize they weren’t what we’d hoped for in the first place. does my almost complacent indifferent feeling mean i no longer care or am i hiding my heart behind a wall. are the reasons i want to say no valid? or am i simply scared, and embarrassed, to admit how desperately i still want to say yes. will i allow myself to explore anything more or will i retreat to what i know best … avoidance.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, fear, life, relationships. Tags: , , , , , .

somethings gotta’ give catching up

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kitkat1126  |  April 19, 2010 at 9:13 am

    Happened across this post this morning and felt compelled to reply to your post. You sound far from one of those women who isn’t strong enough to walk away. Writing it out can be such a release (and help you make sense of all of your thoughts) and who knows – it might just help someone else. I’m in no place to give advice but I have a feeling that avoidance only works for so long… best of luck!

    Reply
    • 2. becelisa  |  April 19, 2010 at 9:34 am

      thank you. i read a few of your posts and it sounds as though we are at similar places in life. maybe one of us can figure it out and share the wisdom some day.

      Reply
  • 3. bgirl875  |  April 22, 2010 at 1:20 am

    Again, I have sooooo been there…My mom always said be friends first but as luck would have it, what worked for her, did not work for me.

    So much to figure out, writing is good. It doesn’t mean you are a woman too weak to walk away. It means you have feelings and are brave enough to put them in the universe in hopes for an answer in return. I wish I had this one figured out and could tell you the answer, but as the previous advice from my mom goes, you have to find the right answer for you.

    Good luck!!!

    Reply

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