better than sex

April 22, 2010 at 4:40 pm 1 comment

after kitkat’s comment to me that it only works for so long, i decided against my typical preferred avoidance tactics. yesterday i chose to address things with jc head on and simply lay it on the line and essentially give him an ultimatum. i’d be willing to bet that it comes as no surprise that i didn’t get the answer i hoped for. but to be honest, it didn’t come as a surprise to me either. basically i got an “i could easily love you and that freaks me out”. and a “right at this moment there can not be an us”. both things that in my heart i knew but kept hoping would change. but he’s not ready and i can’t wait. all i can hope for this time around is that he fully respects my need for him to let me go. completely. hard given we have to see each other. but outside of there he needs to sever every little string he’s loosely held me by. no calls. no texts. no words.    

last night as i successfully fought back the tears that used to so readily fall over him, i laced up the shoes and headed out for four. alone. ipod. lake. rabbits. woods. it should have been ideal. the kind of run i easily lose myself in. but one loop around ~ a mere two miles ~ and i never found my release. never found my rhythm. frustrated i chose to forego round two and head home for the next solution ~ my punching bag, loud hard music and a mental image of his stupid handsome face and a roundhouse kick right to it! but five minutes in i realized i wasn’t angry. hurt yes. but he hurts too. deeper than i do. he needs to find the heart he lost. and even mentally, i’m not the kind of woman to kick a man when he’s down. for a moment i considered giving in to the emptiness. patron shots with vodka chasers and a pity party with me, myself and i seemed almost tempting. but where that kind of escape used to prove succesful, now it just proves i’m getting old and need days to recover from a bad hangover. but the silence of the house was too much and i found myself heading for the gym. no game plan. just something. anything.    

first stop was the tread. always. even if it’s just to get the heart rate up a little before weights. but not long in i found what i hadn’t earlier. a rhythm. a need. and i jacked up the speed. i pounded out intervals. four 800s at sub-eight minute miles. as i ran i watched my reflection in the tv screen ~ off of course. running and tv don’t belong together in my eyes. ~ and for the first time in awhile i almost recognized the woman looking back at me. disheveled. sweaty. pretty rough looking to be honest. but something in the eyes told me i was going to be ok. that it was time to let it go.    

after the run i wasn’t done. i grabbed my gloves and headed for the weight room. seemed the legs had already paid their dues. only fair the arms did theirs. bis, tris, lats and chest all took a beating that hurt so good. and when i was done, i still needed more and was happy to see a body flow class just about to start. deemed a holistic yoga, tai chi, pilates workout that will leave your body in a state of harmony. nicely surprising it was still one hell of a workout. stretches and balance and core concentration. all followed by ten minutes of silent meditation. stress by stress. muscle by muscle. release by release.   

i’m not ok. not yet. but last night i chose strength over weakness. i chose me over him. and the two-and-a-half hours i spent at the gym might have even been better than sex! well, ok, maybe not. but at least i didn’t have to worry about cuddling with someone after 😉  

  

  

    

  
 

  

 

 

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, fear, life, relationships, running. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

catching up cheated miles

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the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
10k pr ~ 52:49
half marathon pr ~ 1:55:10
marathon pr ~ 4:10:41
half ironman pr ~ 5:57:50
50k pr ~ 5:33:23
50-mile pr ~ 11:32:39

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