the perfect storm

April 28, 2010 at 1:08 pm 8 comments

i’ve always been unbreakable. the one who when knocked down finds a way to get back up. the one who sees the glass as half-full. or as my ex used to say, will sugar coat the world and find the good in any situation. my friends turn to me for support. my advice ~ though sometimes callously blunt ~ is often the swift kick in the ass they look to for understanding and clarity. because no matter how hard the road ahead looks, i can always find a way to put it in perspective. until now.

the other day a friend equated my life right now to the perfect storm. my heart is broken and with it i lost a friend. my career unsatisfying and attempts at finding something new futile. i hate where i live (florida itself not my house specifically) but even so a change of scenery would do me well and my house isn’t selling. i’ve distanced myself from my family dysfunction. including my ex-husband who i used to consider a friend but whose attitude and lashing out has taken a toll. and even my running has been emotionally taxing due in part to my need to pull away from my running group ~ reasons for which i really have yet to share. it’s not often that everything hits at once and it should make sense that this much all at once would be hard for anyone to deal with. but fact is feeling this way, this low, doesn’t make any sense at all to me.

i’ve pretty much given up on anything more than simply getting through each day. right now just getting out of bed in the morning is a daily struggle. day in and day out of merely going through the motions. fighting back tears that seemingly come out of nowhere for no reason. i can’t keep going this way. it’s no way to live. i need a goal. something to work towards that, hopefully, will make me find the inner drive and motivation that usually abounds within me. i’ve thought about going back to school and starting towards my masters degree but that would strain my time and finances even more than they already are. i toy with the idea of attempting to BQ but know the likelihood of failure is too great right now. where i used to live to battle my way towards the seemingly unattainable, right now, i simply need to succeed at something. but it can’t be a “gimme” or i won’t feel i earned it.

so i’ve set a goal. challenging yet doable. certainly not guaranteed but well within my reach. my current 10k pr is 52:49. shamrock last year. in nine weeks i am running the kiwanis fourth of july midnight 10k. my goal … sub 50-minutes. my pace lately has been slow. my mind and body not in sync. but it’s time to take action against the storm and fight my way back to me.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, divorce and co-parenting, fear, life, relationships, running. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

cheated miles winking at fate

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. ultrarunnerbrianphilpot  |  April 29, 2010 at 10:52 am

    I have been through it all as well girl! Keep your head up! And never let anything or anyone get in your way, if you think it is what you need! I would say don’t leave running out! It will give you a outlet, and can take you any place you want!

    Reply
    • 2. becelisa  |  April 30, 2010 at 10:50 am

      thanks 🙂 if nothing else, i’ll keep running. it is my therapy.

      Reply
  • 3. kitkat1126  |  April 30, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Recently I have battled with the same types of feelings you’re talking about here. It’s so frustrating to feel feelings of boredom, purposelessness, meaninglessness. I really hope it passes for you.

    When talking about this with people I have found it so frustrating when they believe that life is supposed to be repetitive or redundant. I don’t agree at all!

    I think like you, I am looking for some new goals to have something to work towards. I’m also hoping to fight some of the same feelings by trying something completely new. It might be worth trying out something totally different to bring a little new excitement? Plus I find that doing things out of my routine or comfort zone (as uncomfortable as they are at first) result in the best rewards!

    I think the running goal is a great one to start! Have you ever thought of training for a triathlon? (You may already do these – just a thought!) I like the idea of a big goal that has a lot of little goals along the way. Keeps it motivating. 🙂

    Reply
    • 4. becelisa  |  April 30, 2010 at 10:48 am

      i read your posts and see so many parallels to the way we think. it helps to know i’m not alone in some of my lonliness. i totally agree that life is not supposed to be redundant. it’s too short to stay stuck in a routine of mere contendedness.

      i’ve thought about doing tris but have a fear of swimming in the water down here. ocean = sharks. lakes = alligators. neither really appeal to me! lol. but i plan to start biking more this summer and hitting the pool for laps just to see if i can maybe work up to it. ideally i’d love to do a half ironman within the next two years. big goal with lots of little goals along the way 🙂 definitely motivating.

      by the way, you live in my all time favorite city. i lived there briefly years ago. about 5 blocks from fenway. i miss it!

      Reply
      • 5. kitkat1126  |  May 4, 2010 at 7:56 am

        That’s so funny, I live just blocks from Fenway!

        Sharks and alligators would definitely detract me from swimming too! A half ironman! That’s awesome ! You can do it! 🙂

      • 6. becelisa  |  May 4, 2010 at 8:09 am

        small world! i lived on queensberry street. miss that city so much!

  • 7. bgirl875  |  May 3, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Great strategy for getting pass the funk. I too know the feeling. My life’s motto is if you aren’t preparing for something, you are wasting time. Sometimes its great! But definitely has the potential for emptiness.

    Good luck on the training. Does this mean that I need to prepare for a kick butt run in a couple of weeks. You know you gotta prepare a sista =P

    Reply
  • 8. becelisa  |  May 3, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    i think you’ll be able to hold your own! can’t wait to run with you 🙂

    Reply

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the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
10k pr ~ 52:49
half marathon pr ~ 1:55:10
marathon pr ~ 4:10:41
half ironman pr ~ 5:57:50
50k pr ~ 5:33:23
50-mile pr ~ 11:32:39

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