learning to let go

May 24, 2010 at 10:43 am 3 comments

week of may 9
total mileage 14
asics gt-2150s  miles 373
total 2010 miles 415

sunday 4 miles ~ trails with the group + p90x ab ripper
average 8:50

monday 5 miles ~ intervals ~ gym tread
mile warm up at 10:00, 6 x 400s @ 1:50 (7:20 minute miles), mile cool down at 10:00

tuesday off

wednesday 5 miles ~ gym tread 
average 9:00

thursday off

friday off

saturday off

this week sucked. plain and simple. no excuses.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

week of may 16
total run 21 miles
total bike 14.5 miles
asics gt-2150s  miles 394
total 2010 miles 436

sunday 5 miles ~ gym tread
average 8:45

monday off

tuesday 4 miles ~ gym tread
average 8:30

wednesday 4 miles ~ bayshore with buns
average 9:15

thursday bike 14.5 miles 
time 50 minutes

friday off

saturday 8 miles ~ bayshore
average 9:13

what a rough last couple of weeks. no doubt i hit a breaking point ~ physically and emotionally ~ that finally made me realize a need to let some things go. i was tired. exhausted with trying to solve. with trying to figure out each moment and make everything better. sometimes it doesn’t work. sometimes even the most introspective, self analyzing control freak needs to stop looking for answers and simply live.

this past weekend i was supposed to be in dc for my 20th high school reunion. i had the plane ticket. i had the plans. dinners and drinks. people and places. i was even a co-chair of the reunion. though my school handles the event details, i was the cheerleader. facebook pages and email after email beckoning my friends and reaching out to my classmates. but last saturday night i lay in bed ~ sleepless ~ and i found myself dreading the trip down memory lane. it wasn’t that i didn’t want to go. though those days weren’t always easy, i had no lingering highschool drama. i faced that when i went back for the 15. i fully expected the night could and would be fun. but lying there, going through the to-do list of my days i found no hope of the trip being a needed escape. it felt almost obligatory. and with little recent understanding of who and how i am right now,  a night with those i never see seemed to require a facade i no longer had the energy to wear. sunday i revisited the thought of what i had to do and monday morning i cancelled my flight.

i kept thursday and friday off work as planned. god knows i have more than enough vacation time than i need and unlike most corporate worlds, if we don’t use it we don’t lose it. i have something absurd like 300 sick hours and nearly as many vacation hours and each week they only seem to multiply. though i wasn’t sure what i was going to do, i knew i needed to simply escape the responsibility of getting out of bed and manuevering my way through the motions of life. i’d like to say i made no plans. i tried. really. but even days of nothing in my life end up with structure. but i got to define the structure. i got to decide what each hour consisted of.

i bought a bike rack for my car and rode for the first time in months. i fell asleep next to my pool and shopped for the nike suit that i’ll wear this week when the swim takes on a new direction. i ran, not many, but miles of meaning. it wasn’t all fun. i had responsibilities as well. rental property business and a few check marks on the home project list. but with time on my side even those were handled with no stress or frenzy. and the absolute best part was that being here meant i wouldn’t miss sab and her two best friends performing in the school talent show ~ a night that made me focus on all that i do have and not that which i am missing.

i had anticipated spending the weekend alone for “me time”. but when red invited me to join her and a group of her friends at the beach it seemed soul searching might be best done with those who know and love my soul. the soon to be nyc-girl even blew off her packing and went halves on a hotel room with me. but saturday after a run i snuck over early. just me and a beach chair, three issues of runners world and pure trash and gossip of cosmo and people. a day alone and a night with friends. too much wine and so much laughter. a long talk between me and nyc about life, love and the pursuit of someone else’s happiness as we went in search of midnight milkshakes. early morning coffee by the pool. and a quick dip with the fishies i have to learn to swim with. sunday as i headed home i knew two things with certainty ~ i have amazing girlfriends and i really hate the beach!

today it’s back to here and it’s obvious to me where i do not need to be ~ literally and figuratively. i can’t say i fully know where i ‘m going or how i’m going to get there but i know i have to learn to let go of yesterday and simply enjoy today.

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Entry filed under: biking, fear, life, relationships, running, swimming, triathlon. Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

back on the train double dipping

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. ultrarunnerbrianphilpot  |  May 24, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    It’s one day at a time and one problem at a time. Sometime’s we need to take baby steps to overcome everything. Take it easy, and don’t be too tough on yourself!

    Reply
  • 2. kitkat1126  |  May 25, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    “sometimes even the most introspective, self analyzing control freak needs to stop looking for answers and simply live.” — I’m pretty sure I’d sum up myself in those same words. In my mind I feel like simply living will be so peaceful and easy but sometimes I wonder if it’s possible. If you find the answer, please let me know! 🙂

    I think letting go of yesterday and (at least) for me – not trying to figure out, control, or predict the future is the key to living in today. Sounds like your Saturday night was a great start to it.

    Reply
  • 3. becelisa  |  May 26, 2010 at 11:09 am

    brian ~ thanks! you’re right. even baby steps add up and help get us to where we need to be.

    kitkat ~ it’s so hard for me to just let life happen. i try to define and control every aspect of my world just so i’m prepared for anything. but obviously that doesn’t work and i have to deal with the unexpected anyway. i’m trying to accept that i can’t control everything ~ and i’m sure life would be just a bit less stressful if i could find the way to let go any live in the moment ~ but it sure as heck isn’t easy to do!

    Reply

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the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
10k pr ~ 52:49
half marathon pr ~ 1:55:10
marathon pr ~ 4:10:41
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50k pr ~ 5:33:23
50-mile pr ~ 11:32:39

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