a little cliché

June 12, 2010 at 2:06 pm 8 comments

i’m not sure it’s clear. i’ve said it without saying it. hinted without revealing. jc and i were not just friends. we were not just us. we are coworkers. separated by a hallway and office doors. a once purposeful frequent cross of paths now kept to a required minimum.

i know. i know. i’ve heard all the clichés. don’t fish off the company pier. don’t get your honey where you get your money. never dip your pen in company ink. i knew them all going in. i know them all better now.

since the end ~ this end ~ we’ve spoken briefly only twice. once a necessary exchange from his world to mine. the other an accidental mumbling as we nearly collided in the doorway. we’ve never gone this long. every other time one of us would cave. reach out to the hand that once held tight. but this time i begged him not to. the minimum he was ever able to give a tease to what i needed. and i knew i needed to not. a hope to find more that only ever led to a settling for less than what i deserve.

i should have let sleeping dogs lie.

he warned me first. called my name as he came down the hall. i know he wanted to allow me that moment of composure. that split second to put on the professional air i never had to wear around him. his stance in my door frame was awkward and nervous. and after he asked the business question he needed answered he seemed hesitant to walk away. the mere seconds of silence were an eternity that made me realize all too clearly that i’m still empty from the lack of him in my life. and when he finally asked if i was doing ok i could barely find the words to lie. he hesitated longer. seemingly waiting for more that never came and then he walked away.

in that moment i made a decision. i called him back and this time i said what i hadn’t. i told him i miss him. he said it’s been hard staying away too. he asked about the run. the bike. the insomnia. i fought back tears and barely found the words to talk about what really didn’t matter. he said not to be a total stranger. i said it’s easier. he said thanks for talking. and i watched him walk away. again.

i know it’s over. i saw it in his face. realized so clearly that my need to be the ice queen is nothing more than a blow to the everybody-loves-the-class-clown facade he hides behind. but i also saw it’s not my heart that’s empty. it’s not me who’s lost my best friend. he had it all. i had only the man he could never see.

dating at the office isn’t hard. breaking up however is. for that i suppose i should have heeded the clichés. but here’s another. you must first love yourself before you can ever truly love another. 

he never loved me. he can’t. the good thing is, i’ve come to realize that i do.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, fear, life, relationships. Tags: , , , , , .

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8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. fitandfortysomething  |  June 13, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    i once had an office love affair…..we were both married-it was rough. i think it changed me forever…..thank goodness now i am married to a man i would never cheat on…..but all lessons are learned from the mistakes we make.

    Reply
    • 2. becelisa  |  June 14, 2010 at 7:22 am

      that had to have been extremely difficult and i can only imagine how much it changed you. i must say i’ve learned a lot from this. not just about the risks of office dating but about myself and what i want, don’t want and most of all deserve.

      Reply
  • 3. bgirl875  |  June 14, 2010 at 12:32 am

    “he never loved me. he can’t. the good thing is, i’ve come to realize that i do.”
    BEAUTIFUL!!!!

    Reply
    • 4. becelisa  |  June 14, 2010 at 7:24 am

      thank you. one of these days i’ll find the man who deserves all the love i have to give.

      Reply
      • 5. bgirl875  |  June 24, 2010 at 12:18 am

        And when you do, ask him if he has a brother =P

  • 6. kitkat1126  |  June 14, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    “i’ve come to realize that i do.”
    Of all your posts I have read to date, reading this one today just seemed like you had this really important realization when you wrote that. It might not take away feelings, or bad days, but it’s so undeniably clear how strong you are. And how much stronger you have become and continue to become during your blogging time period.

    Reply
    • 7. becelisa  |  June 14, 2010 at 9:11 pm

      sometimes it’s one little unexpected moment that clarifies everything.

      Reply
  • 8. Miss Mile High  |  February 22, 2012 at 7:47 am

    I remember this post, but I’m glad you directed me to it again. I know you’re sooo right.

    Reply

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