June 30, 2010 at 1:09 pm 9 comments

awhile back i tried an online dating site. i went on a couple of dates and though the guys were perfectly nice ~ and surprisingly normal ~ i just didn’t meet mr. right for me. i’ve since re-activated and then de-activated my profile on there a handful of times. every time i think i’m ready i quickly realize i’m not. not just because i’m still getting over jc but because i can’t handle the dating game right now. i literally hate dating. the interview process. trying to balance going out with single parenthood and training. it’s frustrating! one of the things i loved about dating jc was that we were friends first. for a long time. and by the time we decided to take our friendship to a different level we already knew each other inside and out ~ or so i thought.

every so often i get email from this dating site. pictures of new potential men who meet my criteria. a marketing ploy designed as a tease to try to entice me back. wow did it backfire! i always open the emails. maybe it’s out of hope that somehow my dream guy will suddenly appear. or maybe just to get a laugh from some of the things people post. but the other day i got the surprise of my life when there, staring back at me, was a picture of jc.

i felt like someone had punched me in the gut. there on this dating site was the man who just months ago told me he could easily love me but was freaked out by it. the man who told me he had to figure things out with his new world before he would have anything to give anyone. i started laughing ~ likely to keep from crying ~ and i couldn’t stop.

deep down i know it’s not a reflection of me. i know it doesn’t mean that i wasn’t good enough for him. but i still can’t seem to stop questioning if everything he ever said to me was merely lies to keep from saying what he wasn’t man enough to say. over the last few months i’ve had to accept a lot. disappointment. heart-break. losing a friend. but this was by far the hardest thing i’ve had to face yet. not because he’s looking to date again. or that he doesn’t want me. but what hurts the most is that i  find myself wondering if i ever really knew him at all.


Entry filed under: 30-something single, fear, relationships. Tags: , , , , , , , .

one mile at a time getting what i want

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Danielle  |  June 30, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    I want to say, THANKS for your openness about your break-up! I too have recently gone through a break up. It is so hard and I truly have most of the feelings you’re experiencing. Especially when you said, “I find myself wondering if i ever really knew him at all”.

    Stay strong!

    • 2. becelisa  |  July 1, 2010 at 7:35 am

      thank you, danielle. one thing i’ve learned by sharing on here is that it helps to know that others experience the same feelings and get through them. i’m sorry to hear you’re going through something similar. last night as i re-read what i had written i had a thought … it doesn’t really matter if i really knew him at all. what matters most is that i know myself and i know that i deserve so much more than ~ for what ever reason ~ he was capable of giving me. you deserve happiness as well. never forget that!

  • 3. fitandfortysomething  |  June 30, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    The whole time I am reading this I am thinking did he get the same email from the company but with your profile and pic? That would be hilarious! Do not worry you probably know deep down in your heart he was not the one.

    • 4. becelisa  |  July 1, 2010 at 7:38 am

      my profile is hidden so he wouldn’t have gotten anything on me. i’ve been tempted to unhide it and let that happen but then i wonder what that would ever really solve. you’re right though. in many ways i know he’s not the one for me. if he was things would be so different than they are now. but it doesn’t take away the hurt from not just losing, but feeling like i never had, a friend.

  • 5. kitkat1126  |  June 30, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    Ugh, I’m so sorry – that’s just flat out a sickening feeling to feel like you never knew someone. you’re 100% right that it’s not a reflection of you but I hear you on questioning what he said.

    sometimes I think different people have different grief/moving on processes. A couple I know of recently broke up and both were devastated. The girl cried, moved out, took time to herself, and has been having a hard time. The guy immediately started sleeping with a new girl and had her in the house they had been living in.
    From the outside, or from the girl’s perspective of course it looks like he never cared. How could this person who cares about someone for so long just move on? It made their whole relationship look and feel so insignificant. But knowing the guy, I know he cares – just as much as she does – and is having a tremendously hard time moving on – but for whatever reason this is how he has chosen to deal with it.

    It doesn’t make it right and definitely doesn’t make it fair. But it does make it a little easier to understand the behavior – everyone’s moving on/coping processes seem to differ.

    anyway, that was a little side tracked but it sounds like you and jc were friends before anything else. You did know him, I think you would have a gut feeling if he hadn’t be real/honest with you. Sometimes one small truth, or one piece of information can make everything else seem like lies. But I just think that really, deep down, the rest aren’t lies. It’s just one shitty piece of information that makes everything else FEEL like lies.

    • 6. becelisa  |  July 1, 2010 at 7:49 am

      kat ~ you are amazing. somehow you always seem to know the right thing to say. i did know him. i DO know him. and i know the void he’s trying to fill. i only wish that he would take the time to learn to love himself the way that i loved and accepted him.

  • 7. ultrarunnerbrianphilpot  |  June 30, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    Wow that’s crazy! Dating sucks, sometime’s more work and games. I just run and when my girls come over I play part time dad! It sucks, but that’s life. And it will allways get better!

    • 8. becelisa  |  July 1, 2010 at 7:52 am

      in some ways that sounds perfect … there’s nothing i love and need more than my daughter and my running. well my friends and family are pretty damn important too 😉 someday i’ll find the right relationship that fits. but until then i have a lot to focus on and be thankful for!

  • 9. bgirl875  |  July 19, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    Wow! this is crazy coincidental, and a little disturbing. But I agree with everyone else, and you, you certainly deserve better. Just another reminder of that.


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