feed me, seymour!

October 6, 2010 at 2:02 pm 4 comments

i know i’m not fat. by any means. but fact is i used to be. maybe i wasn’t technically obese ~ though i’m not certain that i wasn’t. and maybe i can use the excuse that it was ~ for the most part ~ after having my daughter. i could even blame it on being unhappy while living in mississippi. but fact of the matter is that before i got pregnant and before i was depressed, i gained weight. too much of it.

weight gain can sneak up on you. it’s a slow process and a daily look in the mirror hardly reflects the transition. but then one day something makes you really see yourself in comparison to what you were months, maybe years before, and reality hits hard. for me it was a photograph. my daughter, about six months old, sitting on a pony with me standing beside her rivaling the pony in breadth! and suddenly i realized i had a weight problem.

my weight loss wasn’t exactly healthy. i tend to be one of those people who physically can’t eat when stressed. and with my marriage failing, a new job, an infant and a ghost from relationships past weighing on me, i simply shut down. food no longer went in. pounds vanished. the first 10 seemed almost over night. the next 20 not far behind. in less than six weeks i dropped more than 30 pounds. but i had no energy. no drive. no grasp on the reality i needed build for myself and so it was then that i started making needed lifestyle changes. i began exercising. completely changed my eating habits. got divorced (damn quickest 190 pounds of stress i’ve ever dropped 😉 ). it’s been more than eight years and i’ve kept all the weight off. and once i really started running about four years ago, i even shook the last pesky five that my hips had held onto.

i don’t really like to admit it but these days i am a bit weight obsessed. i weigh myself every morning. literally. as a pretty type-A, routine kind of gal, i have a step-by-step process to my morning which includes getting on the scale. and in that weigh-in, there’s a range of numbers that i deem acceptable. anything within or under ~ satisfaction. anything over ~ panic. the last few months of injury have been a battle to keep in range. though honestly, when i’m not putting in 30 to 40 miles a week, my body doesn’t beg for fuel and my food intake drops naturally. and for the most part, i am by choice a very healthy eater. but i definitely have my weaknesses. ice cream. french fries. wine. so each time i came close to my maximum acceptable i’d catch myself. cut back. do whatever exercise my body was allowing. and keep in check. but now, back running, my body wants food. i’m like audrey II, the plant from little shop of horrors. “feed me seymour! feed me!” the last couple of weeks i’ve been eating a little extra. snacking after dinner. cursing the breyers buy-one-get-one free special at publix. last night after running with the irish i ate what should have been a satiating serving of pasta with peppers and sausage rinsed down with a cool refreshing blue moon. but when i got home i suddenly felt ravenous and i started grazing on any and everything i could find in my ridiculously bare kitchen. toast, crackers. ice cream. eggo waffles (my very strange addiction). i’m way past due to grocery shop and there wasn’t a single fruit or veggie i could gnaw on that didn’t require late night cooking. it was almost no surprise when i got on the scale this morning and was a pound above my happy place.

go ahead. laugh. roll your eyes and scoff at the “skinny girl” obsessing over one pound. but i know how quickly one can turn to 20. i know that my daily weigh-in is my accountability. until i can re-balance the food in with the mileage out, i need to pay much better attention to what i’m putting in my mouth. yogurt instead of ice cream. fruit instead of fries. water instead of wine … hmmm yeah, maybe not. a girl has to have some vices right 😉

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Entry filed under: injury, life, running. Tags: , , , , , , .

double digits real men don’t drive mopeds

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lisa Jamison  |  October 7, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Did the same thing…all of it. Irish run. Pasta and sausage. Blue moon (“one more? No? Yes? No.) Home to watch The Biggest Loser…in a grazing frenzy. I had veggies but still went for almond butter. We long to feel good, yet we beat ourselve up AND sabotage the process/success. Perhaps good blogging=good therapy. We’ll figure it out…keep us posted!

    Reply
    • 2. becelisa  |  October 7, 2010 at 11:29 am

      what’s sad is that i was watching biggest loser too and STILL piling food into my mouth. you’d think it would have had the opposite effect. and dare i admit that i busted out hand weights and was doing step-ups on the coffee table to counteract the junk i was eating?! man i’m pathetic!

      Reply
  • 3. kitkat1126  |  October 7, 2010 at 11:21 am

    It was really interesting to hear about your weight experience! I had imagined that you were always a very fit marathon runner. I think there’s a balance though when it comes to it, and I think you’;; find it especially since your mileage keeps going up and up (another WOOHOOO!)

    Haha, it’s just funny how much I relate to this. As for giving up vices, life without french fries, ice cream, or wine (…in “moderation” ha) would be so sad. For some odd reason I have an addiction to frozen waffles right now too. I crave them with a little pb and syrup all the time!

    Reply
    • 4. becelisa  |  October 7, 2010 at 11:36 am

      i really only started running about four years ago. prior to my weight gain i had pretty much always been in great shape. i played tennis seriously as a kid/teen and in college ~ and after at a casino in biloxi ~i cocktail waitressed 40+ hours a week which was a workout in itself. so i was shocked to find myself over weight. i know myself enough now to feel sure i’ll never end up there again but i still panic.

      funny you’re addicted to frozen waffles too! i have no idea what my obsession is but i eat them all the time. nutri grain eggos with a little bit of organic peanut butter. yum.

      Reply

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