fact or fiction

January 5, 2011 at 9:11 pm 1 comment

i’ve been avoiding the 2010 year-in-review blog. not to mention the first blog of 2011. i feel like i should somehow recognize the end and beginning of bigger and better things but i’ve never found the purpose in the hoopla surrounding the transition from year to year. because really that moment from 11:59 p.m. to 12:00 a.m. of a new year is really nothing more than one minute to the next and those happen each and every day. why should that one minute be any more meaningful than the rest. but as i look back on the pages of 2010 gone past, i know that it’s time to make some changes. not because it’s a new year but because i simply can’t go on this way.

for someone who claims to be so much of a realist, i’ve been in denial lately about some pretty big issues. most are out of fear, i suppose. it’s very easy to mask the need for change with excuses one day at a time but eventually those days add up to weeks, months, years even and then suddenly one day you realize that you’ve been living the same day in and day out of less than perfect.

so without making resolutions or specific goals even, i simply want to define and share some of what i’ve been choosing not to face. in each i have denial. a sort of fictitious world i live in hoping that somehow someway things will simply work out on their own. but fact is  it doesn’t matter how much i keep pretending, avoidance won’t solve anything. so i’m facing these one by one. the fiction. the fact. the fix. and the fear that holds me paralyzed.

fiction: my house will sell
fact: i will never get my needed price in this market
fix: rent out my house
fear: risk of bad tenants and floating a mortgage payment and rent

given the housing market there is no way my house will sell for what i need it to. this leaves two options; stay where i am and search out other alternatives for schools for sab or try to rent out my house. i’ve researched schools and have found very few realistic options with which i would be satisfied. the one pending possibility has a lottery based enrollment and i won’t know if she gets in until feb. 28. but even if she does, opting for this direction limits me in some other changes i want to eventually make so i’ve decided to take the risk and try to rent my house. i made a first step yesterday. learned some very useful information in doing so. and think this could be a viable solution.

fiction: i can run so my back/hip is good enough
fact: chronic pain is not normal
fix: get another opinion on my mri and xrays
fear: wasted copays, further frustration and most of all … being told i shouldn’t run

with so much uncertainty and speculation on back and si joint injury, it’s hard to know which direction in which to seek help. LJ got me to this point of tolerable pain but i truly believe that there is more going on. i still feel as though i don’t have a definitive answer as to the root of the pain and treating symptoms can only do so much. maybe i sabotage myself. avoidance of time down and continued physical demands certainly don’t fully allow my body rest. but maybe if i hear it enough, i’ll eventually listen. i reached out to a doctor friend in colorado today. she has similar issues and an understanding of the need for the run. we ran through detail by detail and she gave me her suggested plan of attack. a new chiro. sports related. the best in the area. no scrimping on this one. from there si joint injections. just once. sometimes they can subside the inflammation enough to let whatever else is going on find its grove. more times than not they are a mask but it’s worth a shot (pun intended) if step one fails. after that i’m down. period. another three months of hell that might just have a rainbow at the end.

fiction: my stress free job is great
fact: i need to be challenged intellectually
fix: update the resume and explore options
fear: the unemployment line

i know plenty of people who would say i’m nuts for being unhappy in my job. it’s secure. i make a decent living. the benefits are fabulous. and in four years i can probably count on one hand the days i’ve felt stressed from it. but in some ways i thrive on stress. not excessive. the last thing i want is to spend my every day worried about being fired or having to bring home work regularly to meet deadlines (been there, done that) but i miss corporate pressure. there is no personal satisfaction in my every day. i need challenge. i need to learn. i need to feel useful. and right now i don’t. a new job is a scary venture. especially given the instability of the economy. but once i’ve got the living situation settled, i think it’s time to at least explore potential opportunity.

fiction: i like being single
fact: being independent doesn’t mean i have to be alone
fix: date, date date. as much as i hate it, it’s the only way i’m going to find someone.
fear: losing myself

there is nothing wrong with being single and it’s worked for me for quite awhile. i’ve been divorced for almost nine years now and though i’ve had three relationships ~ the spider, boston and jc ~ i can honestly say i was never at any point in any of them of wanting more than “their world vs mine”. i spent three and a half years with the spider and never once did moving in together even cross my mind. i knew he’d have eloped in a heartbeat had i ever expressed any desire, but fact is, i keep men at a distance. not emotionally per se. unlike many i don’t fear the possibility of getting hurt from a relationship. i’ve suffered through a broken heart or two and lived to tell. but i’m not sure how to let someone in my life and still feel as though i have myself. my daughter. my hobbies. my friends. right now it really is all about me, myself and i and i won’t lie … i kind of like it that way. but at the end of the day, i miss having someone to share life with.

so there they are in no particular order of importance; the four facets of my life that need to be resolved. no more “one day at a time”. i’m tackling them all full force. i can and i will. and that’s a fact!

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, divorce and co-parenting, family, fear, injury, life, parenting, random, relationships, running. Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

sometimes the apple does fall far new year. new miles.

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. double date « becelisa  |  January 14, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    […] in the interest of following through on my recently declared goals, i had an appointment with a new chiropractor today. she specializes in SI joint injury and comes […]

    Reply

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