missing pieces

January 28, 2011 at 1:05 pm 2 comments

it’s closing in on a year since things with jc really ended. not the back-and-forth-we’re-over-but-we’re-really-not kind of over but the absolute sever of all communication beyond the required. it took a little while but i hit a point of being not just ok but relieved. i see a different side of him now. one i have trouble respecting both personally and professionally and for quite awhile now i’ve maintained that if he were to come back i would have no interest in trying again.

but yesterday i had to feign fine for the first time in awhile. together in a room for an event i co-hosted, i more than once caught him looking at me out of the corner of my eye and when i did i found myself laughing a little extra with who ever i was in conversation with just so he wouldn’t see the little bit of sadness that still lingers. and though i hate to admit it to even myself, i know i wore the dress i did because i look smokin’ hot in it and i wanted him to regret walking away even more than i regret ever taking the step toward. but what really hit me was when he left. he lightly touched my shoulder and thanked me for putting things together. and i was surprised to see how much that one little brush of his fingers affected me.

i don’t want to go back there. i really do see faults and differences between us that would never allow us to have a long term healthy relationship but i miss him. i miss what we were before we were us. i miss laughing at his stupid jokes rather than stifling the eye rolls and comments i come so close to at inappropriate times. i miss sitting there gabbing aimlessly about nothing rather than recognizing his avoidance tactics. i miss loving the sound of his voice rather than cringing every time i have to hear it. and apparently i miss his touch. and maybe even his smell. and i know i miss his kiss. or maybe ~ in the midst of all this dating and match crap ~ i just miss the comfort and safety of loving someone who was my best friend.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, dating, life, relationships. Tags: , , , , , , , .

i should be committed week of jan 24

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kitkat1126  |  January 28, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    I can’t relate so much to this post.

    I’m so sorry. There’s really nothing else to say because we know we deserve better, we know for whatever reason it didn’t work, we know we have to move on…but that doesn’t stop you from missing the person. Whether it’s the person, the comfort, whatever it is, it sucks. And while it seems to get better with time and distance, it takes one moment, like your event last night, to send you right back there. The only thing I can think to say to do – is keep running forward.

    Reply
  • 2. fitandfortysomething  |  January 30, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    oh that is sooooo hard. so very sorry but i know you know in your heart of hearts it is not right.

    Reply

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