rock the boat

February 2, 2011 at 1:15 pm 7 comments

about a month ago, i applied for a position in charleston. i absolutely fell in love with the character and charm after visiting in december and i make no secrets of my hatred for florida. i never expected anything to come of it. in this job market i assume almost any decent opening will have hundreds of quality applicants and who would waste their time and efforts on an out-of-state candidate. friday i got the call that they wanted me to fly up this week to interview. and today i made the call to withdraw from the candidate search. i’m not ready for the fight. the bound to be battle with the ex to cross state lines. i thought i was. but when faced with the potential i’ve retreated.

the house is off the market. attempts to sell unanswered and there really is no hope. but what about the other options. the plan to list it for rental. why shouldn’t i let someone else move into the world that really never has felt my own. but i fear the what ifs. what if they don’t pay. or trash my house. what if i can’t find a place i can afford that fits our needs. what if the commute is a pain. new neighbors. new gym. new after school program. new life. is the discontent really there or is it here? because i thought i do want a new life. what’s the worst that can happen? why can’t i just do it?

i used to be larger than life. so vicarious. it didn’t matter if i didn’t know the outcome of a move or a challenge. i’d jump regardless of a lack of safety net and trust i’d land on my own two feet. i’m intelligent. i’m strong. i’m resilient. at least i used to be. somewhere along the line i became such the cautious rationalist. set in my ways and scared to rock the boat. i want to remember how to live not merely exist. to grab life by the balls and create the self-fulfillment i’ll never find just waiting.

when you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. you could break a bone or a heart. you look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. and in life, there’s no safety net. when did it stop being fun and start being scary? (sex and the city)


Entry filed under: 30-something single, dating, divorce and co-parenting, family, fear, life, parenting. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

week of jan 24 a six pack and a bottle of wine

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Barista  |  February 2, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    I’m the exact opposite – the jump now, worry about it later, aww hell everything will work out in the end – type. 1 – I don’t have kids so I can be a little more careless and 2 – I’ve had a couple instances where I’ve had some costly mistakes. But in the end I regret nothing. Only you know what YOU can handle, though. I’m a big advocate for moving and starting anew…especially after a major life change…and even more especially for people who live in the horrendous state of FL!! Lol 🙂 But really…I hope you figure out what you really want, can handle and are ready to battle. The rest will all work out in the end!

    • 2. becelisa  |  February 2, 2011 at 1:43 pm

      i know becoming a parent changed everything and that my daughter’s security and well being is my first and foremost concern but there has to be a way to balance things out between the two extremes right?

  • 3. kitkat1126  |  February 2, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    I think that obviously having a child plays a role in this. You’re putting her first which is of course what an amazing parent would do.

    But I do think there can be a balance – that you can jump and while it’s scary (much scarier than earlier years) it’ll be worth it for both of you (and easier on your ex than moving out of state). You’ve thought these decisions out and the what’s ifs, and you could think about the bad what ifs forever.

    But what if…

    What if you move and Sab goes to a much better school district?
    What if you get renters who live there, dirty it up a bit but all in all aren’t that bad?
    What if you move to a new town where you can walk out the door and walk with Sab to the grocery store, or to other shops?
    What if you make a new set of great friends, and find a running group and even a potential mate?

    I think all of those are possible. But you’ll never know unless you take the chance.

    • 4. becelisa  |  February 2, 2011 at 2:43 pm

      i like your “what ifs” much better than mine 🙂

  • 5. bgirl875  |  February 3, 2011 at 1:08 am

    I totally feel you on this post. Every since I was a young girl I’ve wanted to get out of dc. After having the little one and splitting from her dad, I dismissed the idea because I didn’t want that battle. A couple of years ago he moved about 40 miles from her, and does everything in his power to avoid the commute to see his daughter.

    There are so many days I think “well, who am I staying for, he doesn’t see it as a big deal to not see her”. But I know the answer, I’m staying for me. I’m know as much as I want to be away from this city, I am scared of the unknown.

    With that said, I like the previous writers what ifs. And I’m a big believer in the phrase the universe will not give you something you can not handle. So once I decided to stay in dc and make it the best place I could be in, I just started making decisions that brought me closer to the life I want. Somethings worked out, some things didn’t. But I was never afraid to pursue options. If you just make a decision to make choices out of love NOT fear, things will fall into place because that’s the way life works. What is meant for you will come to pass!

    Good luck!

  • 6. fitandfortysomething  |  February 3, 2011 at 9:03 am

    sometimes it seems really scary to just make a change and do it but in my experience it has always been a good thing that i did. i find that the scariest choices always seem to be the best for sure.

  • 7. red  |  February 3, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    ok- exhale. the good part of this experience? That you are REALLY thinking about it now. things aren’t as easy as they once were. BUT that doesn’t mean that you can’t do them if you really want to. You are larger than life. But now, you’re smart enought to think thorugh decisions thoroughly, because it’s not just your life, it’s SAB’s too. You’re being smart, larger than life and ballsy, as usual. Just because you don’t do it this time, doesn’t mean that you won’t in the future. Trust your gut. That said, I like the what ifs from kitkat. xo


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts.

Join 150 other followers

the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
10k pr ~ 52:49
half marathon pr ~ 1:55:10
marathon pr ~ 4:10:41
half ironman pr ~ 5:57:50
50k pr ~ 5:33:23
50-mile pr ~ 11:32:39



%d bloggers like this: