i win

April 19, 2011 at 8:34 pm 2 comments

i thought i was going to get away without admitting to my weakness. but, given there’s now more to tell, i suppose i have to come clean. a few weeks ago, after a few drinks and overwhelmed by life, i sent jc a text. it’s been a year since i finally walked away completely in an effort to piece myself back together and in that time frame we’ve spoken only on a professional level and even that has been kept to an impressive minimum. for months i kept hoping for that midnight text from him i was convinced would come. but it never did and i’ve managed to, for the most part, move on. but the other night the tears started and simply wouldn’t stop. they weren’t over him. just life. overwhelming stress. but i found myself missing how things used to be. before “us”. when i felt protected by the comfort of his friendship. and suddenly it was his shoulder i wanted to cry on. the text was simple. just “i’m still waiting for the day i don’t miss you”. but i rued the decision as soon as i hit send. so when i didn’t hear back i didn’t get upset. in fact i almost breathed a sigh of relief.

but friday evening, not two minutes after i sat down at the bar with the house hunter, he wrote. it was an apology for not responding and an admittance that he had no idea what to say. i’m sure i looked like i had just seen a ghost. i suppose in some way i had. but after a few seconds i regained my composure and focused on the man i had sitting next to me. an unexpected potential future not a heart-breaking past.

later that night i responded. i told him i had been having a rough night. that i had missed my friend. but that i wouldn’t put that on him again. then i wished him well. he wrote again. saying he hates where we are but admitting i warned him that if we took the step we did there would be no going back. he said he was ok. been better. been worse. i sent one more basically agreeing but some what non chalant. i hate we are and we lost an amazing friendship but i had been willing to take the risk. c’est la vie.

i only told one person about my momentary lapse of reason and our brief text exchange. but i followed up the story with a comment. “he’s not done”. i know him. i know that if he wanted nothing, he’d simply not respond. but the moment he chose to write back is the moment he broke whatever resolve he has been holding onto. he’s questioning himself and that one little text i sent opened the door for him to reach back out for the one who HE felt protected by. comforted by. his shoulder. it’s not that he wants me the way i needed him to. or the relationship he was never quite capable of emotionally committing to. but in some way he wants back.

we have this thing at the office we refer to as the “where’s waldo” email. if you’re going to be out for one reason or another, protocol is to send a message to the entire team with the subject line of “where’s [insert your name here]”. then the email of course details where, when and sometimes why. today i sent a “where’s waldo” explaining that tomorrow i’m working at home and readily available by cell or email if needed. but that next week i’d be on annual leave. given how electronically reliant my coworkers are, i made sure to note that should anyone need me next week to call not email since i wasn’t sure when i’d have internet up and running at the new house so it could be a day or two before i have email access.

it wasn’t 20 minutes later i looked up to jc standing in my office doorway. a sight i used to love seeing multiple times a day but literally haven’t seen in months. “so you’re moving?” he asked. yup. saturday. “where?”. the island. “that’s great. you’ve wanted that for a long, long time”. yup. he went on for a bit. where on the island? a house or apartment? he was happy for me. i deserve to finally have things moving in the direction i’ve wanted for long.

i can’t lie. it was hard. he looked amazing. that man can rock a pink shirt and tie like few straight men can. for a moment there was a part of me that wanted to shut my office door and feel his arms wrap around me. and it almost scared me to think that i could ever be that naive again. but there was this other part of me. the part that finally knows that he will never be the man i need. the part that knows i deserve so much better than he could ever be capable of giving. the part that is still angry at him for his weakness. and suddenly i realized that i led him back here. i sent that first text. and my responses to his eventual text back played right into what i know gets to him. even my “where’s waldo” likely worded to tempt him with the curiosity of my move. i set the bait. and what scares me more than my potential naivety is the fact that i can be such a cold hearted bitch because i know he’s still not done and when he walked away there was only one thought that went through my head “i win.”


Entry filed under: 30-something single, dating, relationships. Tags: , , , .

who are you and what have you done with me, myself and i credit worthy

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kitkat1126  |  April 19, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    sometimes I worry that the comfort, the friendship, that feeling of wanting to just have that old relationship back with a person (you with JC, mine with B) will never go away. Even with new exciting relationships, or years worth of time, or just living full lives – why is it we still look back longingly at certain points?

    I think the real win will be when on a really good day or a really bad day, we don’t crave them at all.

    • 2. Barista  |  April 20, 2011 at 8:59 am

      Well, i think one of the reasons is we didn’t want things to end in these cases. My Heartbreaker and I broke up over 4 years ago and he did some really, really bad stuff. Does it make it easier? Hell no. Do I still look back and want to relive the moments we had? Yup. Has anyone I’ve met since him compared? Nope. There’s that head vs. heart battle that is such a bitch to overcome. BUT in the end there’s a reason we’re not with these people we long for…whatever the reason is we have to hold on to it. Sit back with a glass of wine and remember when you need to, but don’t feel shame for that EVER.

      And UGHHHHH! Girl, there is no way I could stand seeing Mr. D or My Heartbreaker (2 separate people, btw) at work. I moved out of my house and quit my job after The Heartbreaker and I broke up because he got a place close to me and his job was across the street. Yeah, it may have been a bit much, but I couldn’t handle it. I say that to convey that you’re doing great. Nobody will ever replace past loves and feelings don’t die, they change.

      I’m rambling. Dammit. Too many thoughts flooding at once. Hope you get the gist 🙂


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