us

May 4, 2011 at 1:01 pm 6 comments

i was 16 when he broke my heart. shattered it into a million pieces. young teenage love ruined by his need to venture off to college and not be “tied down” to anything or anyone back home. i was devastated and swore i would never forgive him or love again ~ oh the teenage drama! ~ but when he showed up on my doorstep the following summer there was no second thought to simply redefining us. we were friends. sometimes with benefits. sometimes without. college breaks. relationship ends. through good times and through bad. we’ve gone years without talking. we’ve gone days without talking to or seeing anyone else. but for 22 years it’s always been me and cd.

we don’t get to see each other often. he lives in colorado. but every now and then our paths cross. be it my trip to visit my childhood bestie not far from where he lives or business that takes him close enough that he arranges the time to detour to me. and that is what happened last night.

i’d mentioned to the house hunter that i had a friend coming into town. a guy. and i had to wonder how he felt about it. outside our mutual decision to hide our match profiles we haven’t really had any talks about us or exclusivity. i mean hell, it’s only been a few weeks. should there really be an “us” at this point? but i’d also mentioned to cd that i was seeing someone and that this visit would be a platonic one. we’ve done this back and forth enough to respect and understand any and all necessary bounds.

a late afternoon text from the hunter asking about my day also asked about the evening plans. just dinner, i responded. cd’s flight gets in at 6 p.m. and he has to head south not long after. i sensed that maybe he was feeling a little weird about me going out with another guy and sure enough his next text asked if he had anything to be worried about. there was no hesitation from me. no. absolutely not. he admitted he was curious. a little unsure how he was supposed to feel. i like where we are, i told him. i like where we’re going and i definitely like him. a couple more texts in my phone rang. let’s not do this by text. dating may have changed but not so much that the kind of conversation we were about to have shouldn’t be an actual conversation. so we talked. we agreed. we are officially exclusive.

cd fully respected my decision. well, not without a couple attempts to change my mind. but once he realized my resolve he simply wanted to be sure i was happy and not jumping into things too soon. then another friend said something similar. made me question as she asked me to explain why. and this morning i found myself wondering if we are going too fast? i’m rational. intelligent. i know it takes time to really get to know someone and discover if they fit into my life. i began to wonder if i want the official simply to quell my own fears from relationships past. jc and i dated for months and months yet we never wore the labels. he couldn’t make that commitment to ever define us  beyond one day week at a time. and though boston and i dreamed of our future together we had our own reasons for holding back titles.

then i read this post by kitkat. ironic! and as i responded to her, i realized i need to heed my own advice. my past relationships will always play a role in my future. little pieces of my heart have been left with those along the way. but there is no comparing then and now. i’m in a different place. and he’s a different person. the only thing that needs to matter is what we both feel here and now. and i like us.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, dating, divorce and co-parenting, fear, relationships. Tags: , , , , .

island miles count to ten

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Barista  |  May 4, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Awwww…look at you girls getting all exclusive!! It’s so cute I could just buy a kitten or something! Spring love…ahhhh

    I am glad you were able to recognize that your advice to kitkat applies to you and hopefully you will just keep enjoying it.

    Reply
    • 2. becelisa  |  May 4, 2011 at 1:23 pm

      i know … i’m about to make myself vomit with how giddy i am.

      i can’t promise i won’t panic and over-analyze things from time to time. but i’m definitely enjoying it.

      Reply
  • 3. kitkat1126  |  May 4, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    This is too ironic! I think that had I read your post first – I would have given you similar advice to what you gave me. So I guess we both need to take our own advice! No more comparing to past relationships. Take it for what it is and *enjoy* it. Stop fearing the labels, stop trying to rationalize it because ultimately, we’re both happy. We couldn’t have guessed this turnout had we tried 🙂

    Reply
    • 4. becelisa  |  May 4, 2011 at 3:23 pm

      no kidding! add in the fact that you live on the same street that i used to live on in boston and i’m starting to think there’s some weird cosmic connection between us. or you’re some pyscho stalker 😉

      Reply
      • 5. kitkat1126  |  May 4, 2011 at 4:09 pm

        haha, seriously! (well not to the stalker part haha)
        I think we just might learn a lot from each other (I know I already have). 🙂

  • 6. sarah  |  May 4, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    hooray for “us” 🙂

    Reply

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