panic attack

May 10, 2011 at 9:14 am 3 comments

friday on my way home from my run with b3, the house hunter and i were texting about our respective quiet night plans when it hit me that this was the first weekend since we started seeing each other that we were both kid free. though i was pretty drained and i knew he had to be after moving the day before, it seemed wrong to waste a friday night alone. true, we already had plans to spend most of saturday together but it was going to be a nonstop day, and somehow a relaxing night in together seemed the perfect way to end a long week.

it was almost 9 p.m. by the time i got to his house and he suggested a bottle of wine ~ though we ended up with beer since his cork screw was MIA in moving boxes ~ and cuddling in bed with a funny movie. and yes, in case you were wondering ~ and i know some of you were ~ we’ve already been there done that so suggesting the bedroom for a movie was not some slick move for him to get lucky ~ though he still did ;). i had pretty much assumed i would end up staying over (first time for that) and i had a bit of a guilty conscious about leaving my dog home alone over night but figured it was late enough that she would be ok.

saturday morning after we got up i ran home to change and let the dog out then headed right back out the door. i had offered to spend the day helping him move the last of the lingering at his old house. given the fact that i just moved two weeks ago i must really like this dude to OFFER moving help. as we were unloading the cars at his new house, a neighbor came over to welcome us him to the neighborhood. it was obvious he thought we were a package deal ~ understandably so ~ and though at first i thought it was kind of cute, i quickly found myself manuevering the conversation to clarify that i was not moving in. i’m not sure why it made me feel weird. but i wanted to ensure that even a total stranger knew that i was not a permanent part of this sweet little suburbia picture.

the day was chaotic as expected. a few trips. packing boxes. by time we loaded the last of the necessary we were pressed for time on our saturday evening plans ~ a kentucky derby party at a friend of mine’s house not far from his new place. a small get together that wouldn’t leave him feeling overwhelmed but still led to a next step of him meeting a couple of my girls. given the time it made more sense for me to run home, grab my stuff and get ready at his place. i took a little extra time at home. i have a border collie. she’s high energy. and i knew she needed to get out and about so a quick trip to the dog park made me feel a little better but i had to silence the guilt of leaving her … again. and i vowed to spend saturday night at home ~ with or without him.

a little later as i stood in his bathroom getting ready, i watched his reflection in the mirror as he showered ~ gotta’ love glass shower doors πŸ˜‰ ~ and it felt so natural being there. normally after a month i’d never let a guy see the “process” ~ the hair and makeup routine ~ but we maneuvered the space, flowed together and when he held up different shirt and jeans options i felt like such the happy couple who value and rely on each others opinions. and a little part of me started to freak out.

the party was great. he was social but didn’t come off as trying too hard. he was talkative without being nervous chatty. he was close by but not glued to my side. he liked my friends and and my friends liked him. it wasn’t a late night. we were both exhausted and sore from moving. and by the time we got home back to his place and crawled in his hot tub ~ me leaning back against him, us star gazing over random conversation about life ~ i knew my plans of making it back to my place were out the window. the nyc girl made a detour to my house to let the dog out and tried to assure me that she was ok. but again i had to quell the guilty conscious of leaving my pack.

sunday morning i woke early and headed home. and as i settled into my arm chair, with my dog, in my house the panic really started to set in. though the weekend was wonderful it was also overwhelming. seriously, why is it that i fear the life so many people dream of? a family. house. white picket fence. 2.5 kids. and the dog. why do i see the fairy tale as a label of typicality that makes me cringe? for years now i’ve worn my strong, single mom status with pride and it freaks me out to think i’ll ever be anything else. this is the life i control. this is the life i define. but i can’t deny the moments of comfort. happiness. belonging. that i felt over the weekend. we seem to fit hand in glove. in so many ways. and i’m just not sure how to find the balance of moving forward with us while never losing sight of me.


Entry filed under: 30-something single, dating, divorce and co-parenting, family, fear, life, relationships. Tags: , , , , , , .

count to ten week of may 9 ~ coming back

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kitkat1126  |  May 10, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    After reading about your weekend it sounds like your life is balancing out on it’s own πŸ™‚ . I think it’ll work itself out, but the lack of control will probably cause a lot of panic attack moments. Just remind yourself during those moments how great everything is for you right now – and that moving forward with him doesn’t mean having to lose sight of yourself.

  • 2. red  |  May 10, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    I agree with Kitkat. take a deep breath!

  • 3. sarah  |  May 10, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    i know its easier said then done, but enjoy the ride.
    it sounds like everything is flowing really well πŸ™‚


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