take me out to the ballgame

May 23, 2011 at 7:24 pm 3 comments

all day friday i battled with the decision as to whether or not to tell the hunter about jc before the baseball event we were going to that night. the nyc girl really felt i should and a text sent to buns for a guy’s opinion yielded the same thoughts. by mid-afternoon i had pretty much come to the conclusion that even simply omitting the information seemed deceptive to some degree and it was best that he knew ahead of time. but in route from his office to home to get ready, the hunter called me simply to talk about his very rough day. he needed to vent. but he didn’t want to bitch about the discussion with his boss or the argument with his ex-wife while we were amongst my work people. he wanted to get it out then put it behind him so the night could be fun.

maybe it was just another avoidance excuse, but given his day i quickly retreated from my earlier decision and opted to not add more potential stress to his day.

before we even walked in the gate jc saw us. likely i’m the only one who noticed the extra few seconds his gaze lingered, or the momentary distraction from the conversation he was having. maybe i even imagined it but i don’t think so. no … i know so. he was caught off guard and for a moment i felt cruel for even being there. but i quickly forced the guilt aside. i had promised myself that the night was not going to be about him. my focus was the hunter. us. fun. i had as much right to be there and the decision to let me go was jc’s. if there was second guessing. if it hurt him to see me with someone else. then that was his to deal with. not mine and certainly not the hunter’s.

the hunter and i circulated. coworkers. members. friends. he held his own but held my hand. in between introductions we’d take some time alone. breaks to watch a little of the game and simply enjoy each other. i tried not to look but every so often i’d scan the crowd and catch jc looking. i never met his glances. i couldn’t wouldn’t. and one time on our way to the bar, i watched as he shifted across the floor and intercepted us. “having a good time” he asked? and i simply answered with a “yes, thank you” and walked by. stopping would have been wrong. hard. and admittedly i’m a little surprised he even put that as an option before me.

the night as a whole was wonderful. for most i was able to put jc out of sight and out of mind and enjoy the hunter. i felt wonderful by his side. i love his lack of inhibition with public displays of affection. not tacky. subtle. just enough to let me know he seemingly adores me as much as i’ve come to adore him. we stayed longer than expected. to the end of the game. then came back to my place. lying in bed there was a moment i wanted to tell him. i think it would have been ok. not weird. not upsetting. but it was fleeting.

i’m still not certain i made the right decision to not tell all. i’ve never been good at self revelation but typically it just leads to discussions that i’m closed. hidden. hard to reach. hopefully this will never lead to anything more than just that. but i suppose only time will tell.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, dating, fear, life, relationships. Tags: , , , , , .

mid may miles ~ week of may 16 i like it a little dirty ;)

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Barista  |  May 24, 2011 at 8:32 am

    I’m glad it all worked out with no drama 🙂

    I don’t know how jc is, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts trying to get into your head in little ways now. Maybe nothing major, but casually asking about hunter, maybe even sending a text or 2, something. If not I give him credit.

    Reply
    • 2. becelisa  |  May 24, 2011 at 8:53 am

      i fully expect him to start doing something along those lines. and as ready as i can claim to be to handle it … i know i’m really not. so i hope we’re wrong.

      Reply
  • 3. kitkat1126  |  May 24, 2011 at 11:57 am

    My fear as I read this is exactly what you both are talking about. I’m sure that it bothered JC, especially seeing as he made a point to ask you if you were having fun. Those types of connections are so hard to ignore but stay strong – the house hunter sounds wonderful and like everything you’ve been looking for – everything that jc wasn’t willing to give.

    Reply

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the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
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