decompression

June 2, 2011 at 9:46 am 1 comment

this past weekend ~ thursday through monday morning actually ~ my mother was in town. i think we’ve been through how different she and i are a few times in this blog but if you need a visual read this.

we had a nice visit but not relaxing in any way. it never is. part of it is my own problem. i know that. i’m anal retentive. structured. a control freak. she’s anything but. i do try very hard not to push my ways on others ~ except sab of course because i refuse to have one of those lazy entitled kids whose parents dote on them hand and foot. but when my mother is here, i have no choice but to simply grin and bear it and repeat the mantra “i’ll have my house back soon. i’ll have my house back soon”.

but regardless of the knowledge that i can clean up my world after she leaves i still have a hard time handling things while she’s here. and really it’s not just the disarray ~ the cluttered guest room, the extra dirty towels hung around the bathroom, the random stuff everywhere. nor is it the constant movement. no sitting on my arse and taking the easy way out. if i don’t feel like cooking i can’t just come home and throw some chicken nuggets and tater tots in the oven for sab while i pour a liquid dinner. she wants meals and somehow i end up being the one to have to cook every single one of them (do people really eat breakfast EVERY day and not just drink coffee?) that means grocery store visits and dishes to clean. and though on rare occasion she offers to help, honestly it’s easier to just do it right the first time or i’ll have to rewash and reorganize later anyway.

but it wasn’t just the clash of cleanliness that made this visit so frustrating. it was the constant talk of my older brother and his kids. he lives with her now. the ultimate crutch as his house attempts to skirt foreclosure with a short sale. she swears he’s sober. i doubt it given his lack of rehab. she pays for everything but claims he pays his dues with unnecessary household chores. she talks like his kids are hers too. more than once actually referred to them as “our kids”. disturbing. he called at least twice a day. a grown man incapable of independent day to day functionality. she coddles. he cry babies. and somehow we ~ my little very stable and confident little family ~ get overlooked and compared.

i’ve never been a mommy’s girl. nor a daddy’s girl for that matter. i’m the tough one. the independent, i can do it on my own type. and i think my mother resents that. she needs to be needed and i simply don’t need anyone. my brother on the other hand needs her for everything and she relishes in the reliance. i’m not jealous. as i said, i don’t need ~ nor want ~ her to take care of me at this stage of life. but it doesn’t mean i want to hear how much she does for him. especially given the fact she knows how little sympathy or respect i have for him and his ongoing situation. and i can’t say anything because then, once again, i’m the bad guy. the one with no forgiveness or compassion. but ever since “the episode” ~ this day two summers ago ~ i’ve held firm to my decision to walk away until he accepts responsibility for himself and his actions, something he clearly has yet to do.

oh well. fact is i survived. i always do. and the time spent with sab is more important than the frustration i endure. and after a few days i’ve finally decompressed enough to come out from under the rock where i’ve been hiding.

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Entry filed under: life, parenting, random, relationships.

i like it a little dirty ;) tri-ing again

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. kitkat1126  |  June 2, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    It never ceases to surprise me how different one can be from their sibling, parent, family, etc. And how different parents can treat or respond to each of their own children.

    It’s great of you, as a daughter and a mother, to spend time with your Mom . But you definitely deserve some decompression time now!

    Reply

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