(his)midlife … (my)crisis

June 9, 2011 at 7:23 am 2 comments

this past friday was the hunter’s birthday. the milestone of turning 40. i knew he was a little freaked by it so i wanted the weekend to be fun and memorable.

friday i was off work for an appointment so i detoured by his house and tied balloons to his mailbox. just a little something to make him smile as soon as he got home. then i headed back over later in the evening for our simple plans of a birthday dinner and dessert 😉  the bigger plans were set for saturday when we’d booked a room at the beach ~ his birthday wish to escape for a night and soak up some sun.

i think he was a little surprised that i came bearing gifts. i had worried about toeing the line of too much too soon but this was also a big birthday and i wanted it to be special. they were wrapped as one and as he opened it he couldn’t help but laugh. first a leather satchel-style briefcase with the tampa rays logo embossed. honestly a promo item i got for nil and likely more than he would ever carry. but it held the rest. a rays t-shirt. his. followed by a red sox t-shirt. mine. all wrapped up around two tickets to the first game of the sox/rays series next week. a friendly rivalry we’ve joked about since date one.

saturday morning, after dinner out and a quiet night in, i slipped out early and met b3 for a long run then came home and packed a bag. we got to the beach mid afternoon and after settling in we headed to the water’s edge. sun. sand. surf. beach bar. a brief nap then back for more. no crazy night. those fit neither of us. just dinner. a few drinks. a walk down the starlit sand before cuddling up in a cabana and just enjoying us.

sunday morning we slept in until almost 8 a.m. ~ late for me. i wanted coffee for breakfast. he wanted mcdonalds so we got mcd’s to go and we ate on our little patio with the sunday paper. then we headed to the beach to rent a jet ski. given his user name on match was jetski (something-or-other) it was no surprise this was on his beach birthday to-do list. a little more sun capped off our weekend before we headed home.

and when we got there i found myself restless. questioning. typical to me relationship trepidation after a full weekend together.

though i had fun, truth be told, i hate the beach. i find no pleasure in sitting on my ass baking in the sun or ~ as my triathlon fear of sharks clearly indicates ~ swimming in the ocean. i hate the way salt dries on my skin. i’m quickly irritated by the chaos of the average-overweight-american-mom in a three-sizes-too-small bikini screaming at the kids. and the fake-boobed, fake-tanned beach babes and their meat head boyfriends irk me almost as much. gee, i’m not judgmental at all am i?

the hunter on the other hand loves it. give him the sun and a jet ski and he couldn’t be happier. it was obvious we were exactly where he wanted to be. which is how it should have been. it was his birthday.

but tuesday morning when i read kitkat’s post about her first weekend away with the townie i found myself jealous of the talk of the cape. the cool evening grill wear. the green grass. the new england lighthouse. i miss the north. i miss mountains and streams and winter. i dream of the day sab goes off to college and i can run away from the prefab strip malls of florida. i want nothing tying me here. nor no one. yes, i know, it’s years from now. seven likely. but i’ve spent the last 14 years away from the home in my heart and i don’t even want to risk the resentment of having to make that choice again someday. call me selfish but i’m counting down the years until it’s all about me, myself and i.

all this from a weekend at the beach? neurotic i know. over analytical and obsessive for sure. but fact is i like the hunter. a lot. there’s so much similar yet i worry at the end of the day there’s too much different. and i’m not sure it’s fair to either one of us for me to let us fall if someday ~ be it sooner or be it later ~ i’m going to run.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, dating, divorce and co-parenting, parenting, relationships. Tags: , , , , , , , .

tri-ing again she’s a brick house

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Barista  |  June 9, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Well…you may run, you may not. And since all’s fair in love I think it’s fair to fall (or not – whichever you decide is best for YOU). Doubt isn’t the same as malicious intent, or manipulation, and you’re within your right to have doubt about each and every thing in life.

    Oh, and who wouldn’t be jealous of kitkat’s weekend in the cape? Shit. It sounded amazing. I kinda hated her for that, but in a completely nice way 🙂

    Reply
  • 2. kitkat1126  |  June 9, 2011 at 8:30 am

    I agree with Barista, you may run…but you may not. There’s no way of knowing where this might lead or how your feelings may change in the future or even if the Hunter would consider moving Northeast. Clearly it’s too early to tell or make those decisions, which is why you don’t have to yet. But the thoughtfulness you put into his gift and his birthday, even when it wasn’t your ideal day – you knew it was his and that says a lot about how you feel about him.

    You know you’ll be where you are for at least another few years with Sab so live in the present — even if it isn’t where your heart it — it’s all you can do.

    Maybe for your birthday you should request a weekend away at the Cape 🙂

    Oh and GO SOX!!!

    Reply

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