standing ground

June 29, 2011 at 8:02 am 3 comments

over the time i’ve been seeing the hunter i feel like we’ve gone back and forth with the insecurity and doubt we each bring to the relationship. it scares me to think that we are dangerously alike in our guarded desire to find something real and i worry there’s little chance that we aren’t already making this harder than it has to be.

in the beginning i felt he pushed forward fast. the custody changes. getting off match. he seemed so eager and ready to be part of something and where that usually has me running in the other direction there was something about him that made me want to give this relationship thing a chance.

but fast forward a month or so in and i felt him slam on the brakes. hard. i couldn’t pin point how or why but i sensed something and it instantly put my me back on the defensive. sure enough a couple weeks later he came clean about a concern that my head and heart weren’t fully vested in us. a complete misunderstanding that i wish he had voiced sooner so it hadn’t made me wonder. but once clarified it seemed behind us and we went back to what i felt was a solid path forward. one he seemed eager to be on.

now flashback to the hunter’s birthday weekend. i came out of it questioning everything. me. him. us. i’m used to me, myself and i. it’s easy if maybe sometimes a little lonely. but do the hunter and i have what it takes to get me out of my comfort zone. do i even want to risk that we do. yes. decision made. i do.

but over the last week or so something got stuck. like the record was skipping and just repeating itself over and over. it’s as though we stopped going forward. there was nothing really wrong. but something wasn’t right. and suddenly i was consumed with insecurity and fear.

i prepped the conversation in my mind and readied myself to try and let down the wall i hide behind. the words lingered on my tongue but failed me every time. but yesterday when a text yielded a response that left me feeling foolish and empty i finally voiced the need for reassurance.

his response was a little better than i expected but worse than i hoped for. and a misinterpretation of words left him temporarily wondering if i really was that kind of bitch. the assurance he gave seemed genuine just minimal and not enough to quell the insecurity i find behind my shield of armor.

and this is where i become my own worst enemy. if you haven’t figured it out yet, i suck at communication and feelings. big time suck. i question every word i say. i rip apart every response i get. and when i’m left feeling more vulnerable than i did going in i retreat. i don’t want to run. i want to stand my ground. breath. give the hunter a chance to do the same. but i’m already justifying my escape.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, dating, fear, relationships. Tags: , , , , , .

it is what it is i thought tennis was a game of love

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kitkat1126  |  June 29, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

    Do not run. Do not justify your escape.

    Reply
    • 2. becelisa  |  June 29, 2011 at 7:17 pm

      beautiful quote and so so true. i’m trying. i just don’t have a lot of faith in people and if i continue to feel as though he’s questioning things i’m apt to retreat.

      Reply
  • 3. sarah  |  June 30, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    i know beginnings aren’t easy, but give it time, from what you write about him, he sounds like a really good guy!!

    Reply

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