lessons in love

July 28, 2011 at 8:56 am Leave a comment

i can’t say i’ve had the best luck with relationships. well, maybe luck has had little ~ or more likely nothing ~ to do with it. i could easily sit here and analyze all my daddy issues. point out how his narcissistic ways left me craving the love and attention of men. or i could throw some of the blame on my mother. pity how her insecurities led to her continually picking the same kind of egocentric man over and over again to where she failed to ever show me a good example of a healthy relationship. but fact is, i’m a grown woman and i know too much about life, love and the pursuit of happiness to not put most some of the responsibility on myself.

i’ve dated many. slept with some. loved few. i’ve tried picking the nice guy. the rich guy. the smart guy. the guy next door. there’s been artists. rockers. jocks. even a geek or two thrown in for good measure. my broad range of interests and openness to explore what the world has to offer has pretty much left few types ruled out. and if i were to line up all the ones i’ve been serious with you’d be hell bent to have to try and define my “type”.

but beneath the surface. beyond the blond. gray. or bald. behind the blue eyes or brown. there’s always been one common denominator; they’ve all been more screwed up than me. somehow i always seem to find men with insecurities that far exceed my own. maybe it was from growing up with a shrink for a father. maybe they realized i was willing to rationalize and accept their faults. or maybe i sought out those that needed me to, in many ways, take care of them. most were completely incapable of taking care of me that’s for sure. and the lack of emotional support i ever got taught me to rely solely on me, myself and i.

i quickly realized that i made myself the victim in relationships by taking on men with issues. though there was no denying i had a few of my own, it became obvious that i had to stop trying to solve theirs and worry only about mine. i took the time to come to terms with ghosts. came to love who i was. and found a strength and confidence i never knew i had. but i worry that maybe i took it one step too far.

i ask very little of people. not just men. but everyone. i know i can handle whatever i have to face. and most of the time it’s simply easier to do it myself than being let down ~ again. because truth be told, i have little faith in people and expect to be disappointed. but i’m coming to realize that maybe i’m being unfair to those that might just be more than i ever dared imagine. and maybe my unwillingness to let others be there for me acts more of a defense mechanism that pushes people away.

i think i found someone different. someone i can trust to be there for the every day ordinary or those tough times when a shoulder to lean on would be a nice change. and i think it’s about time i came out from behind my guarded independence. i just hope this doesn’t end being a hard lesson in love.


Entry filed under: 30-something single, dating, fear, relationships. Tags: , , , , , , .

just me here we go again

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