dreaming with a broken heart

August 31, 2011 at 5:31 pm 2 comments

last night i dreamed about jc. i don’t remember much of the dream just that we were alone in an apartment somewhere. awkward. uncomfortable. trying to make small talk. but when he offered a hug i melted into his arms. and not long after into his kiss. within minutes we were taking off each others clothes. consumed by raw emotion. but as soon as we were undressed we heard people coming up the stairs of wherever it is we were. my brother and kids. my kid. and others that i think were dream mine. jc ran to the other room. i tried to hide behind a couch only to hear my daughter proclaim that “everyone is ready to go except mommy. mommy’s naked”. i was crawling on the floor. ashamed. embarrassed. wondering how i was going to explain things. and then i woke up.

i was instantly overcome with sadness about jc. not in an “i want him back” kind of way. but for some reason there remains an emptiness in my life without him. maybe it’s because i have to see him and it’s hard to deal with the almost daily reminder of losing my friend.

today it took all i had to not just walk into his office, close the door and state that all the relationship crap is behind us. that we can go back to being just friends because that’s what we were good at. that’s what we should have stayed. i’m happy now. i’ve moved on. that should be enough right? but somehow it isn’t and it didn’t take long for me to realize that we can’t go back. ever. we destroyed us and i’m not sure if that’s something i’ll ever get over.

 

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, dating, relationships. Tags: , , , , , , .

she’s alive wanna fight?

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Barista  |  September 1, 2011 at 8:05 am

    I’m the type who always wants to cheer people up, offer kind words, make things seem less heavy. But in this situation – because I know it well – I think you’re probably right. You’ll never get over it. And I don’t mean that in a harsh way, more just to say that instead of getting over it you’ll probably just learn to accept it…the best you can, anyway. It sucks. And it will always suck – especially when you still have to see him. And I hate that for you.

    Reply
  • 2. kitkat1126  |  September 1, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Dreams have a cruel way of resurfacing feelings, but I don’t think it’s always obvious what those feelings are. I don’t think you dreamed about JC because you want him back, but maybe you were thinking about him in context of that potential job, and how your relationship with him has changed and how you’ve moved on but partly want to turn back time to fix things.

    I agree with what Barista is saying. In some ways, that feeling will never go away and there will always be a nostalgic yearning for how it was. The emptiness fades but it never really goes away. At least that’s how I feel, but I hope for you it turns out differently.

    Reply

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