lost and found

October 19, 2011 at 10:05 am 5 comments

things haven’t exactly been going well in my life. hence my retreat from the world. i’ve tried to write. day after day. but i can’t seem to find the energy to share. but i’ve got to snap out of it. after getting into bed yesterday at 6 p.m. and not waking up until 7 a.m. this morning i’d say it’s time to smack myself around and get the fuck over it. i don’t know how to do that quite yet. but i’ve got to try.

my calf is still causing me grief. i’ve run a few times. but i can’t push it. the constant tightness and discomfort makes it clear that if i run ~ really run ~ it’ll go again. i’m depressed as shit for it and it’s effecting everything around me. i try biking. the gym. whatever. but it doesn’t fill the void. i miss my trails. i need the release. but i don’t know how to let go without potentially hurting myself more. tough mudder is in six weeks and i want it so bad. i honestly don’t care if i have to walk the whole damn 12 miles. i will find a way to do it. i need to achieve something again. to stop giving up and letting myself be defeated.

outside the run things are rough as well. things hit a kind of break point with the hunter. he feels pressured. not by me but by time and preconceived relationship expectations and it forced us to address things head on. something we both tend to avoid doing. maybe it will end up being a good thing. we talked monday night. really, really talked. and though i think we came to understand each other a bit more, it also left me wondering if i’m merely wasting time on something that will never be more than what it is.

truth is i’m lost. floundering to remember who i am and what makes me happy. i find no fulfillment in my career. i’m bored and unchallenged but scared to make a change in an economy that barely let’s me scrape by as it is. if it was just me, i’d leap. take risks. but as a single-parent nothing is more important than ensuring my child has the security she deserves. without the run i have no hobby. no release. i come home at the end of the day and find nothing but emptiness. time to fill with forced activities. and timid ground with the hunter only makes me recognize my current lack of self esteem all the more.

i don’t know how to find myself again. i’m not sure where i got lost. but it’s time to start retracing my steps and rebuilding my life.

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, biking, dating, divorce and co-parenting, exercise, fear, injury, life, parenting, relationships, running. Tags: , , , , , , .

it’s the little things the stick

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. KitKat1126  |  October 19, 2011 at 11:07 am

    I wish I could write something to make you feel better. That your calf will heal, that with the hunter or love in general it will all work out, that the feeling of being lost is short lived. That you have countless people who love and depend on you.

    But I don’t want to just write some optimistic words because the place you’re at right now is tough and I’m sorry.

    But you’re at a place where things have to change. Knowing your personality at some point, and I think you’ve reached that point, you’ll want nothing more than to stop feeling lost and get back into a routine and feeling goal-oriented and happy.

    I think you’re already asking yourself this, but what will get you there? There are a ton of things you can’t control (the calf, the Hunter’s reactions, where you live because you have someone dependent on you) but now it’s more important to think about what you can control.

    What would challenge you?
    What are other hobbies that might not replace running, but excite you or interest you?
    What could change about your job?
    What would make you feel on-track/ in a routine again?

    Reply
    • 2. becelisa  |  October 19, 2011 at 11:20 am

      i am so glad you’re still here. to read. to comment. to make me think. i know you’re right. i need to focus on what i can control. and i’m trying to. i just need to figure out how to stop trying to control those things i can’t. and for me that letting go and trusting fate is so difficult to do.

      on a different note, did you get my email? i definitely want to connect when i’m in massachusetts in december.

      Reply
      • 3. KitKat1126  |  October 20, 2011 at 1:49 pm

        Yes! Just checked it now, sorry I had my wordpress set up to an account I rarely check. I’m emailing you back šŸ™‚

  • 4. sarahwrites2  |  October 19, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    (((HUGS)))

    Reply
  • 5. Sofia Faheem  |  October 27, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    You are tough tough person.. you’ll get through this…. everything will fall into place. i know it’s a cliche but it always means a lot.all you need is to believe in it.

    draw strength from your daughter and write more.
    You will soon be found. šŸ™‚

    Reply

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