should i stay or should i go now?

November 24, 2011 at 8:59 pm 6 comments

over the past seven and a half months i’ve focused so much on wondering how the hunter feels about me that sometimes i seem to forget to step back and ask myself how i feel about him.  i’ve revealed my concerns about his lack of romance and sensitivity but in fairness to him, no one has ever called me a great romantic either. and i have to eat my words about having no fantasies about him ever bringing me random flowers. the vase sitting by my bed with a huge beautiful bouquet says otherwise. but at the end of the day we are both rational. solid. maybe a little too analytical. led by reality versus dreams. creatures of habit of our respective self controlled worlds that somehow seem to work together. and for that i know i love him and feel we have exactly the type of relationship that could endure.

but this past tuesday night something made me start to think otherwise and i hate to admit that it started with a chance meeting earlier in the day. the drill sergeant and i were finishing up a workout. a run followed by monkey bars. flipping two-hundred pound tires. and more in preparation for tough mudder. as he pushed me through the pain, we couldn’t help but marvel at the rope jumper off to the side. the strength and grace in this guy was amazing. jokingly the drill sergeant called out if he wanted to join us for TM and low and behold he yelled back that he is running it already. saturday not sunday like us. but it led to a conversation.

let me preface this by saying i am crazy attracted to the hunter. he’s everything i’ve always physically wanted in a man. six foot. intense icy blue eyes. goatee scruff. built just enough and with amazing arms (easily my favorite part of a man’s body. well second favorite maybe ;)) with just enough ink to show the rough side behind the clean cut. looking at him you would never guess he’s 40 and given i’ve always preferred younger men that’s a definite plus. so i was shocked that for the first time since the day i met the hunter i was mesmerized by another man. and even more shocked that he was 5’8″ at best and easily pushing into his late 40s. yes he was a physical specimen to marvel. but it was his eyes that held my attention. i couldn’t tell you what color they were. but i could tell you they radiated a passion and intensity yet sincere kindness that seems so rare. we talked mudder. we talked hip and si joint. a similar issue he overcame. he walked me through pt exercises to help. talked me through the chronic doubt that i’ll ever be pain free. when the drill sergeant and i finally left i was disappointed yet almost relieved that i was walking away.

that night the hunter and i were going to a hockey game. he’s a huge lightning fan. i’m a love it but could leave it kind of gal. but i was excited about the gift of great seats from a friend of a friend and knew we had a fun night ahead. but less than 30 seconds in, the canadians scored. bummer. oh well. sucks but so be it. but i was floored when the hunter threw out a pretty loud insult to the opposing fans. it’s a game dude. and they are just as welcome to cheer for their team as we are ours. he apologized and bit his tongue going forward. sort of. though the words were (mostly) kept in check, i could tell each goal took him further and further from fun. we didn’t just lose. we got our asses destroyed. it was a quiet ride home. and as we pulled into my driveway i was shocked when the hunter almost didn’t get out of the car. “oh, did you want me to come in?” um yeah. we long since passed the days of you drop me off after a date. but what really floored me was when the candles and music and my naked body in bed led to a comment about the ceiling fan and the fact that he wasn’t in the mood. really? because of a hockey game? as i blew out the candles and pulled up the covers, i asked him if he was staying though given even his shoes had yet to hit the floor i already knew the answer. he said it made more sense for him to go home since he had to work they next day and i didn’t. i told him to leave and retreated to my side of the bed and my internal analysis about what really was the right way to handle this? some guys take their sports to heart. though i can’t understand it, i always try to respect differences. if he wants to be moody over something i see as stupid then that’s his prerogative. but i really didn’t want him to do it on my time. he never left. hours later i still lay there thinking as he slept soundly. the next morning i woke to his arms around me and the first words of an apology for “behaving like a child and ruining our night.” i really still had nothing to say. no words of acceptance or understanding. he asked if i was still coming over that night? wednesday night plans of a workout and a hot tub to lead into a simple day of thanks. i managed to nod but it was half-hearted at best.

last night was upper body intense then a retreat to the heat. neighbors or not the hot tub is never quite g-rated. but this time it was him on his side me on mine. some talk of the stars. random conversation. but not once did i reach for him. not out of spite or paybacks for him turning me down the night prior. though not a regular occurrence, it wasn’t the first time he’s needed a break from my over active libido. but i simply didn’t have any desire. and as i listened to him talk i heard a voice in my head questioning. analyzing. destroying. we went through the motions of the rest of the night. dinner. tv. bed. this time he reached for me and i ~ as always ~ reached back but suddenly love and sex seemed so far distant from one another and i wasn’t sure i was where i wanted to be.

today i needed to let go and for that i know only one thing. but rather than simply run away i asked him to go with me. trails. woods. my heaven. i ran, he biked. though he enjoyed it i’m not sure he recognized the rite of passage into my retreat. but it’s one he wouldn’t understand any way. i suppose much like i’ll never understand why a lightning loss need be taken personally. afterward we enjoyed a simple turkey dinner. our kids out of town there was no family, friends or fanfare over a holiday neither of us take to. no overindulgence. no drama. football followed by a nap on his lap. giving thanks.

relationships are a give and take. moments of clarity that can quickly turn to complete lack of comprehending each other. acceptance of differences. comfort of similarities. i know there is no perfect. yet somehow i still prefer to hold onto the unattainable fairy tale. maybe it leaves me a reason to say i need more. i’ve never been good at staying.


Entry filed under: 30-something single, dating, exercise, fear, life, relationships. Tags: , , , .

kid fears we like it dirty

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kalli and Bill  |  November 24, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    some pretty intense stuff going on for sure…….i can somewhat relate to this a bit. when bill and i first got together we were two adults not too wiling to bend for eachother and when things did not go perfect it felt like, “why bother” or “here we go again down a road to nowhere” (like previose relationships……) but then i realized i must really be happy with me and then i can be happy with someone else. i realized i should not be looking for someone to fill me up, i must fill myself up. maybe you are there, i am not sure…..and i by no means am an expert 🙂 just talking…..hope you had a happy thanksgiving!

  • 2. becelisa  |  November 25, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    thing is, i am happy with me. at least for the most part. i have my moments but at the end of the day i like who i am. i know the hunter isn’t perfect. no one is. but i’m not sure why i choose to let the few and far between negatives out weigh the positives. his behavior at the game ~ and after ~ was shocking to me. but he readily acknowledged it and apologized for it which is far more than many would ever do. i think i search for excuses to end relationships though and i’m not sure why. maybe it’s out of fear or a belief that fairy tale doesn’t exist. either way i definitely often find myself asking “why bother”.

  • 3. kitkat1126  |  December 2, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    I think it would be impossible to be in any relationship and not have moments like this (where you are either appalled, embarrassed or just angry about another person’s reaction — or even all three at the same time). There may have been moments where the Hunter felt the same way in reverse.

    I’ve definitely experienced this in my relationship. At first to be honest I think it was because my expectations are that someone will respond the way I would respond (or even more, how I would like them to respond). The Townie definitely doesn’t always respond the way I wish he would – and sometimes it causes fights or moments where I think, maybe we aren’t compatible – but then I realize, usually it’s not over one of my deal breakers (i.e. he is never mistreating, abusive, mean, etc). Which makes me think it’s more me looking for an excuse, a flaw, or a way to walk away easily and think it was the right thing to do. I have a habit of walking away, but this time, there’s an instinct to stay.

    I think if the Hunter behaved like this often, or consistently ignored your feelings and needs – I would say walk away (after talking about it!). And I could be wrong but it seems like so far, he doesn’t do that. There are ups and down and definite uncertainties, but you’re both pretty stubborn in who you are and want you want that it’s probably going to take double the time to get past this type of stuff.

    I think instinctually you’ll know, is it really time to go — or is this an excuse to walk away?


    • 4. becelisa  |  December 15, 2011 at 8:54 am

      you always put things into such a perfect perspective! everything you said is everything i knew but just chose to ignore. yes, i hated the way he behaved that night. i thought it was childish and rude. but i had never seen that in him prior and haven’t seen it since. and by taking one night of “incompatibility” and ripping it apart into my typical analytical bullshit i probably was just looking for an excuse to walk away. but i’m glad i didn’t because like you, this time there’s an instinct to stay.


  • 5. Miss Mile High  |  December 6, 2011 at 6:46 am

    I could be wrong, but the feeling I had while reading this was that either you aren’t really there but want to be (and hoping to be) or you want to be the one to make the move to bolt before he does. I understand both of these equally, as I do both. I’m thinking I need to read another post soon to see where you’re at now, since I’m late in reading and responding.

    • 6. becelisa  |  December 15, 2011 at 8:41 am

      i’ve been so behind on writing that not only are there no other posts to read about things with the hunter yet, but i JUST read your and kitkat’s comments on this one. i think you hit it right on target ~ with both scenarios! i do want to be there but sometimes find that there is a part of me that isn’t (and maybe just can’t be) and definitely look for reasons to bolt. but i’m trying not to in this one. i keep holding onto the belief that this relationship has amazing potential of being everything i want and need if i can just get past that last wall i keep up.


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