sometimes love just ain’t enough

February 21, 2012 at 10:19 am 9 comments

i thought having to celebrate the hunter’s 40th birthday less than two months into our relationship was hard. and a first christmas together also proved to be a bit of an uncertainty. a fear of giving or getting more than in return. but we managed to get through those holidays unscathed. valentine’s day however ~ the day supposedly made for love and romance ~ may have left a scar.

leading in i never brought up the approaching “holiday”. truth be told i’ve never been a fan. where’s the love and emotion in corporate endorsed romance?  it was on my radar. love of the holiday or not, i’m a woman and for the first time in years i was going to find myself in a relationship on feb 14. and not to mention you couldn’t turn on the tv or walk into any retail establishment without wanting to vomit from the excessive marketing and advertising. but at a hockey game the tuesday prior, the hunter nonchalantly mentioned its approach and the fact that we would both have our kids. so, he supposed, we should celebrate over the upcoming weekend. we toyed with the idea of going away for a night but given the only logical day trip in florida is beach related and given the incoming cold front was going to take saturday night into the chilly 30s, it seemed silly to spend the money on a hotel when we had the comfort of home and privacy of his hot tub right at our finger tips. we said little more about it than that. the puck dropped and so did the subject.

unsure of what to expect, saturday afternoon i headed to his house with options. two gift bags; the first a watch ~ one of his loves ~ and the other a bag of xxx goodies ;). i figured i’d get inside. survey the scene. let him set the tone and i’d choose one or the other or both if need be. but when i walked inside there was nothing. not a flower. nor a card. maybe later i thought. it’s mid-day and we had a bunch of errands on our afternoon schedule. but saturday night nothing. and not just valentine’s day induced. i mean NOTHING.

though we had a fun, full weekend, by sunday night i found myself withdrawing. quiet. moody. it wasn’t the lack of a valentine’s day celebration per se. at least i don’t think so. but it was the overall. the hunter’s lack of random acts of romance. the fact that he brought up celebrating then failed to follow through. that he’d hardly touched me all weekend beyond the standard kiss here and sunday morning quickie there. i know he’s not the touchy feely kind. i accept that in him. at least i try. but sometimes it’s not so easy. i believe in the physical. from simple touch to fully intertwined. and without it i feel empty.

when we finally crawled into bed he asked what was wrong. i tried to avoid the communication. stay locked where i prefer to hide. but he pushed and i broke. i told him about the gift bags still sitting in my car (not what was in them though). i explained my need to feel ~ physically and emotionally ~ wanted. i asked for more. he listened. quietly. and when all was said he offered two consolations; one, he had ordered me flowers. they were scheduled to be delivered the next morning (guess i ruined that surprise). and two, maybe we could have a redo and make the upcoming wednesday our night.

sure enough the next morning a dozen roses arrived at my office and wednesday we went out for a wonderful dinner followed by a night in the hot tub and the goodie bag 😉 but i’ve yet to be able to put the hurt behind me. the roses were beautiful and so appreciated, yet the note that came along with them could have been written to a friend. in the valentine’s day card waiting for me on wednesday he didn’t even write “i love you” nonetheless say it. and why even bring up valentine’s day and celebrating over the weekend if there was no intent of doing so.

thing is i know he loves me. i don’t doubt that. it simply isn’t an easy place for him to be. i can only guess the damage done by ten years in a loveless marriage. and i can fully relate to the self reliance and need for regimented structure to survive alone. love isn’t easy for me either. but that doesn’t mean i don’t want it and i really don’t know where to go from here. there’s a quote i read sometime back that i’m trying to take to heart.

just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have.

but what if everything they have isn’t enough?

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Entry filed under: 30-something single, relationships. Tags: , , , , , , .

week of feb 6 setting the goal

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kalli and Bill  |  February 21, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    hmmmmm men are different than us……we have to give them room to show us they love us but yes it can feel like a lot less.

    Reply
    • 2. becelisa  |  February 22, 2012 at 1:40 pm

      true. and i really don’t want a man who is so emotional and doting that i feel smothered. it’s a hard balance with me.

      Reply
  • 3. KitKat1126  |  February 21, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    I can relate to this post and what you’re saying so much.

    First, I’m glad you expressed and communicated your feelings. He cannot read your mind, so as “unromantic” as it may seem to have to bring up that you need to be shown how he feels about you – it’s the only way to get things to change. Trust me, I didn’t bring up Vday as anything I considered special to the Townie and yet in my head I imagined coming home to a simple but sweet home-cooked dinner, flowers, and a conversation where he would say how much I mean to him and how great life is together. Instead I got some chocolate. Sweet, sure, but not quite what I was hoping for.

    Second, the Hunter *listened*. He made an effort to start changing. That isn’t going to take away your hurt from the past weekend experience though. But give it some time – see if he begins to change more and more or at least start giving you what you need.

    I don’t think you should compromise what you need to be happy in this relationship. But I do think it takes some compromising on timing, and getting in synch with each other. Especially after previous marriages, heart-break, etc.

    xoxo

    Reply
    • 4. becelisa  |  February 22, 2012 at 1:39 pm

      i’ll be totally honest, compromise is tough for me. i feel like i settled in past relationships that now i feel like i should get exactly what i want and i do often just expect someone to have to figure it out on their own. maybe it has been my way of never sticking around. i set unattainable standards and then, when someone can’t meet them, i feel justified to end things. i don’t doubt how the hunter feels about me and i need to give us time to find our balance that isn’t defined by relationship and heart-break ghosts of the past.

      Reply
  • 5. echogirl  |  February 21, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    At the end of the day, they are your feelings and it’s up to you what you do with them.

    Regarding the quote you chose though, I think it’s true. Phil said something sweet to me the other day and I commented on it, because he rarely *says* sweet things. When I said that to him, he seemed surprised, until I pointed out to him that he is not one for *saying” sweet, thoughtful, kind things….instead he *does* countless kind and thoughtful acts for me everyday.

    Sometimes, it’s not the specifics that make us feel loved, but the overall package.

    Reply
    • 6. becelisa  |  February 22, 2012 at 1:41 pm

      well i certainly love his package 😉 lol.

      Reply
  • 7. Miss Mile High  |  February 22, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    I’m not a Dr. Phil fan by any means, but one thing he said that I always try to rememeber is that you have to ask for what you want. We always want the men to just know and do things on their own…but not everyone thinks alike. Now if you discuss (as you did) and open up and all that and STILL don’t get what you want, then I say you have an issue.

    In the end – our feelings are valid no matter what they are. Just try not to confuse disappointment based on un-met expectations for lack of love or affection. That’s the defense mechanism (obviously) for going into self-protection mode when we’re hurt. It’s also destructive to relationships, as we all know.

    Hurt and disappontment are hard to get over when we know them so well from experiences in the past. And people – all people – will at some point hurt and disappoint us…it’s inevitable when dealing with humans. However, if you are really questioning things then only you know that.

    And I feel like I just wrote a whole crapton and said nothing. Hope I made a little sense.

    Reply
    • 8. becelisa  |  February 22, 2012 at 1:25 pm

      lol. you made a lot of sense. i think you’re absolutely right (or at least dr. phil is) that i have to communicate my needs and desires and give him a chance to, at the very least, meet me in the middle. we were out last night and talked more about my need for physical affection and i will say that he was amazing! and not just when it came to the sex we had after getting home 😉 while we were at dinner he made efforts to touch my leg or rub my back and kiss me when he got up to go to the restroom and then at my place later (before the good stuff ;)) we watched the last of the hockey game cuddled up in my big comfy leather armchair. no doubt we are a work in progress but i don’t want to go into self-protection mode and ruin what i know has the potential to be the best relationship of my life. i just need to keep talking and asking and telling and, just as important, listening to his needs and wants so we can figure out how to ensure we are both happy.

      Reply
  • 9. damn you cupid « becelisa  |  February 14, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    […] or not. lord knows last year with the hunter wasn’t any better than this year single. in fact in rereading this i’m far better off alone than i was with him. and i’ve certainly never been the sappy […]

    Reply

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