a lonely road

July 9, 2012 at 1:35 pm 5 comments

maybe it’s my over-independent ways that scream “i can do it myself”. or maybe i never really ask for much because at the end of the day i know i always conquer any obstacle on my own. or maybe i’m just stubborn and independent and full of foolish pride. whatever the reason, reliance has never been an issue with me. i ask little of people. often expect little. and most of the time that suits me just fine. but sometimes i wonder if i don’t rely on others simply because i’ve never had someone who fully supports me and i don’t want to face the disappointment of being let down again.

back when i registered for augusta, i asked the hunter if he would go with me. i knew he didn’t understand the magnitude of what i was about to take on but i tried to explain that having him at the finish line would mean the world to me. his first response wasn’t quite what i expected ~ a rant about hating road trips and having nothing to do while i raced. i was a bit taken aback and i think he saw that and eventually said he’d go. but it felt half-hearted.

after postponing their wedding ~ again ~ the bunny and her fiance eloped a couple weeks ago! a perfect way for them to finally let go of stress and pressure and just do what was long over-due! not to mention it saved me the money for the bridesmaid dress. lol. so with a gorgeous georgia venue already booked and paid for they are throwing a big party next month with family and friends to celebrate. and i can’t wait!

given the hunter’s lack of road trip love, i’ve been somewhat hesitant to revisit augusta and tell him about the party. two georgia road trips ~ three for me if you add in my upcoming vacation ~ surely weren’t going to be on his top ten list of fun times. so friday i sent him an email with all the dates and details and the hope and desire that he would be there with me for both ~ or at the very least one or the other. i figured email was the best way for me to focus on the positives ~ open bar. great friends. time together. ~ not to mention give him time to think before gut responding.

because honestly, i think i expected his response to be “i really don’t like road trips so we’ll see but …” typical me. expect the worst while secretly hoping for the best. because what i really wanted to hear was “of course i’ll go. it doesn’t matter if i hate road trips. it doesn’t matter if i don’t know the bunny or her man. it doesn’t matter if i don’t understand why you run. what matters is that it’s important to you and that makes it important to me.” but i guess i was putting too many hopeful words in his mouth because i got the exact response i expected. and i was crushed.

i’m not one of those people that pouts or begs. if someone doesn’t want to do something then fuck ’em. i don’t want to have to cater to their unhappiness during a time i want someone by my side. and, besides, i’m used to going it alone.

i spent half my marriage alone. his hobbies and his friends were our time. my hobbies and my friends he opted out of. if i did push for him to join me, it nearly always resulted in resentment and an argument. so i stopped pushing. seemed easier to just harbor the resentment, skip the fight and convince myself that things were more fun without him. problem was that eventually they did become more fun without him.

i haven’t told the hunter what i’m feeling yet. a busy kid-filled weekend left little time for serious talk and made for the perfect excuse of retreating back into my comfort zone of independent bitch. and bitch i was no doubt. distant and snippy. not the right approach i know. but i don’t know what is. the damage is done. if he changes his mind and goes i’ll know it was only out of guilt and that’s a cloud i don’t want or need hanging over my head for either trip. and if he doesn’t … well then once again i’ve only proven that i can ~ and maybe should ~ go it alone.

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Entry filed under: dating, relationships. Tags: , , .

june recap. july goals. that time of the month

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kitkat1126  |  July 9, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Ugh this is so tough.

    The truth is I would have wanted the same answer you did. Sure, sometimes compromising in a relationship doesn’t mean doing what you want all the time, but somehow I think you realize by doing what the other person wants (or cares about) — it’s more than worth it.

    I really hope you get a chance to talk to him — really talk to him (it may mean being more open about how you are feeling) and then seeing what happens. I don’t think it would be out of guilt he would go, I think it would be a realization of how much you want him there. As much as it’s easy to expect he knows it, he may know more that you’re one strong independent woman who wouldn’t mind either way if he’s there. I hope he realizes how important it is to be there for those things because they do matter!

    Reply
  • 2. Red  |  July 9, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    I agree with kitkat. Talk, be honest. Print out part of this blog and give it to him if you want. And if he doesn’t go, count me in, cause I love road trips where I can ogle incredible male specimens! Xo

    Reply
  • 3. echogirl  |  July 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    This seems to be the ultimate question – and its one that needs to be answered sooner, rather than later. I know couples who have broken up over this and I know couples that thrive on the very independence that it allows. If it upsets you, then you are headed towards a bad place – and like kitkat and Red said, you will need to communicate your feelings with him. It might not be pretty, it may even be unpleasant — but if it can lead to that place called compromise, then you will be back on the road to a happier place.

    Reply
  • 4. Kalli and Bill  |  July 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    oh boy……here we go again hmmmmm. i feel for you when you say you have been down this road before. bill and i have a great relationship but sometimes in small ways he does things my ex did and i think to myself, “what this again?!” you have to decide if all the other things in him are worth it to you that you can be okay with this. if not, a grown man is hard to change. keep us posted. i’ll go with you! i love roadf trips!

    Reply
  • 5. HoneyB  |  July 10, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Oh man, I totally understand wanting him at the end of the finish line. I have gotten the same response many of times…there’s nothing to do while I wait! Really, he never understood that until he started running this past year, but of all the years I have been trying to get him to join and support caused the resentment, the I can do it by myself and NOW you want me to run with YOU and be supportive..hmmm I am trying but I get a little p’off when I can’t go for a run cause he’s gong now. It is all about compromise which I am really trying hard at. I definitly would tell him how you are feeling.I would resort to my bitchy self too even though it may not be the right thing but it was the right thing at the time….lol….I hope it works out, but I would have hoped for a different response as well. I hate road trips oo but a chance to get away and do something different and be with the person I love makes it worth while~!!!

    Reply

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