break point

August 16, 2012 at 7:04 am 1 comment

things have been a little rocky lately in the relationship. there’s been a disconnect. a distance. and rather than try to bridge it, i’ve done what i always do which is withdraw further and plan the escape.

leading into the weekend i was pretty upset. the decision to not go to the bunny’s wedding celebration was a tough one for me and a part of me lay blame on the hunter for not being willing to go with me. was it really his fault … no. i’m a big girl and i could have gone alone but it seemed easier to put some of it on him.

but frustration and uncertainly led things to come to a head on saturday. over a coffee pot. and when i left his house saturday afternoon i didn’t even look back.

that evening we talked. really talked. something we both avoid. under communicators. over analyzers. a dangerous combination in just one but put two of us together and a demise is likely imminent.

it was the same old story. he’s stressed. freaked about where we’re heading. sheltering his girls and retreating into his independence. he’s tried planning our future but doesn’t see where we meet in the middle. his world one way. mine another. he called me out on my retreat. and i on his. and though we agreed we could work together to stop hiding behind walls i told him he really needed to take some time. figure it out. because at this point i need more.

the next day he was right back where we belong. wanted to see me. wanted to love me. i was hesitant but had promised to stop hiding. and together we were … we are … wonderful.

i have to explain our schedules to explain where we are now. we both have two weekdays kid free. every other weekend the same. and for the last (almost) year and a half our unspoken regular routine has been one kid-free weeknight solo. regroup. breath. relax. one weeknight together. weekend friday nights solo. necessary before my long saturday workouts. then saturday afternoon through early monday morning together. it’s almost always that way. and it works. a balance outside our single-parent worlds of us together and us independent.

yesterday was weekday one. no mention from him of getting together. his day was less than wonderful. work stress pushing him to a break point and i knew he needed nothing i could give. i granted him his night of solo recovery but in the last text of the night i  asked for today. his response “maybe. let me see how tmrw goes. right now i’m still feeling like i wouldn’t be good company.”

i tried to write back but couldn’t. torn between words of understanding and words of no longer giving a damn. i’ll take second to his girls. any day. i’ll take second to his need to “recharge his batteries”. but i won’t take second to an unknown merely potential stressful day. i feel like part of the problem. another stressor he might have to deal with in his world. i want someone who wants me after a rough day. someone who reaches for me not someone who pushes me away. and hell he hasn’t even HAD the rough day yet. simple assumption.

and me i’m back behind the wall. alone. it’s lonely here but not as much as it is on the other side supposedly with someone who isn’t really there.

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Entry filed under: dating, divorce and co-parenting, life, relationships. Tags: , , .

what’s eating gilbert grape binge and purge

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Miss Mile High  |  August 20, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    Oh, damn. I am with you. I want to be the sunshine at the end of his crappy day, not another thing to be dealt with. Ugh. Just ugh! I want this to work out, but I’m starting to wonder.

    Reply

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