i’m all out of love

October 4, 2012 at 4:58 pm 3 comments

i knew it was over. it was awhile ago. but we’ve been holding on. both of us i think hoping that somehow we would find what we had lost. but really i was merely trying to delay it. i had to get through augusta. had to keep my focus. but i knew that once that medal was around my neck i’d have to face the facts. i thought a lot while i was gone. i knew that i wasn’t getting what i needed. i tried to figure out why i was sticking around when i wasn’t. truth be told, i couldn’t even decide if i still loved him. but being alone wasn’t something i wanted again.

my plan was to lay it on the line this weekend. talk, scream, cry and see if there was any getting him to bring emotion back to us. but yesterday when my phone rang as mini-me and i were leaving her ice skating lesson, i knew that he wasn’t going to wait until then. i couldn’t talk so he asked me to call him later and as i drove home i could almost sense the relief i hoped i was going to find.

our conversation was nothing of the expected. “how was your day”. “what does the weekend weather look like”. maybe, i wondered, i was wrong and there was a weekend chance. but 45 minutes later my phone rang again and in that there was no doubt.

he’s tired of disappointing me. knows i deserve more and can’t figure out why he can’t bring himself to give it to me. he wasn’t sure what to do. he didn’t want to lose me but he didn’t think the relationship worked anymore. i let him say what he needed to and all i could answer with was “ok”.

“ok???” he asked. yes, i said. ok. i won’t cry and beg someone to feel something they don’t. i have so much to give and he made sure to keep himself expendable in my world. made sure to keep himself at arms distance. always.

i love you. he said. i’m just not in love with you anymore. how do you argue with that.

i wish i could say i found relief. i wish i could say i’m ok. i’m not. but i will be. i know it’s for the best. i know i deserve someone as crazy for me as i am for them and really he wasn’t the only one who had fallen out. but i didn’t want to be alone and i was willing to settle. hopefully someday i’ll be able to thank him for not letting me.

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Entry filed under: dating, divorce and co-parenting, fear, relationships. Tags: , , , , , , .

the augusta chronicles broken

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. echogirl  |  October 5, 2012 at 7:46 am

    your posts have made it clear for some time that this was going to happen. take care of yourself. you’ll land on your feet (because you always do and i have faith you always will).
    and CONGRATS on augusta. i read your post and that’s amazing.

    Reply
  • 2. kitkat1126  |  October 5, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    I think I’ve been waiting for this post. I’m really sorry to hear it didn’t work out, and I am really glad you didn’t end up in a situation where you were settling — because that wasn’t and isn’t enough.

    I pictured the right guy being there for you on the sidelines at Augusta, or better yet, competing with you! You deserve someone who will support you and give you more than what you need so you’re not always left questioning, wanting, analyzing.

    It still sucks, so I’m really sorry. But I hope you can still focus on and enjoy your amazingly incredibly Augusta experience.

    Reply
  • 3. Miss Mile High  |  October 14, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    While I’ve been expecting this post it still breaks my heart. For you. And – selfishly – for me. Because I know one thing we have in common is that we just want someone to weather every single storm with us and reading this made it more clear than I wanted it to be that at some point whoever HE is might not think he can do it anymore. My, how it is so much easier to be the one who decides it’s done rather than having the other person say it even when you know it to be true. My heart goes out to you right now and I just know you’ll find the perfect complement to your life – to you!

    I hope you’re ok, but please do reach out if you need/want to talk.

    Reply

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