it’s all about me

March 4, 2013 at 10:51 pm 1 comment

sometimes i find it hard to do what’s best for me. sure, i take care of myself, even spoil myself a little now and then, but it’s in my inert nature to please others which isn’t always a good thing.

a little while back my step-sister went on a groupon buying frenzy. some were retail oriented but many were events or activities. a couple of months ago she asked me relatively last minute to join her on some speedboat driving thing and i just couldn’t fit it into my schedule. so when she texted a week or so ago saying she was going to schedule a gambling lunch cruise for either march 2 or march 9 i immediately felt obligated. not just because i had turned her down on the speed racer deal but because this event was originally supposed to be a christmas double date for her and a to-be-determined-friend and me and the hunter. but given she’s still single and the hunter and i broke up she decided to make it into a girl’s thing.

since i’m racing on the 9th i had to say the 2nd. but with mini-me home that weekend i was going to have to figure out a play day or sleepover plans. which we did. kind of. by plan’s end this is what my saturday was going to be. after a friday night sleepover at MY house, saturday was to be a 7:30 a.m. departure to drive east to drop both girls at my ex’s house so he could take them to busch gardens for the day. then drive all the way back southwest to the dock for the asinine check-in time of 9:30 a.m. for an 11 a.m. sail time. five hours on board. another hour and a half drive back to my ex’s. then an additional 20 minutes further east to drop the friend at her dad’s before heading home. when all was said i and done i was going to have to leave my house at 7:30 a.m. and could only hope to be back by 8 p.m. all for a fun girl’s day that i knew i would be no fun at. not to mention would leave me without a saturday run which i really needed ~ physically and mentally.

i was tortured by guilt. i had said i would go. i had bailed on the boat. i love my sister. really i do. but she’s single. no kids. makes a decent penny. she’s living the beach life she loves and sometimes doesn’t understand that it’s just not that easy for the rest of us. or maybe i just see it that way. maybe it’s not that she expects others to come along for her ride, but that i feel bad saying no.

all week i tore myself up over it. i brushed off red when she told me i needed to cancel. i tried to convince myself it would be a fun girl’s day. maybe i’d hit a slot jackpot or meet some cute first mate. maybe it was what i needed to get my mind off my mom given i have yet to make it through one day without crying. i tried talking myself into it every way possible but nothing made me feel better and i knew i had to cancel.

so then came the excuses. what would it be? mini-me’s dad can’t take the girls for the day. i came down with the flu. my car got stolen. i was abducted by aliens. something was bound to make her ~ and me ~ forgive.

and then thursday evening it hit me. i had to tell the truth. not because it’s the right thing to do (which of course it is) but because it was my right to do so. i was so worried about her that i was neglecting to worry about me. i didn’t need a girl’s day with two of her friends i barely know. i didn’t need hours on a gambling boat and hours in my car. i needed the day to be about no one and nothing but me.

i kept the plans. well some of them. i let my ex take the girls to busch gardens and i hit the trails. deer so close i thought they might eat out of my hand. a huge wild boar and her babies that thankfully ran the other way (those things can be mean!). cold temps and a friendly ear. twenty two amazing miles of letting it all go. i know my sister isn’t happy with me and there’s still a little lingering guilt but how can i deny that i needed those miles. i might have been exhausted and sore but look at that smile 🙂

22 miles

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Entry filed under: exercise, family, racing, relationships, running. Tags: , , , , .

february figures the plague

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Miss Mile High  |  March 11, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Yes! I remember the first time I allowed myself to not make up an excuse and just said “I don’t want to go do X today” without explanation or apology. So freeing! I wouldn’t want someone honoring plans with me just to save my feelings, so I don’t feel the need to do it either. Then again it’s always all about me 😉

    Reply

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