dreaming with a broken heart

April 26, 2013 at 8:39 pm 2 comments

after my date the other night, i ended up having a very restless night. sleep eludes me often. has for years. but that night it was more than just insomnia that plagued me. that night i dreamt of boston. not in the way you may think given what happened at the marathon last week. not of the city or the life i briefly lived there. not of my hopes to qualify this fall at MCM. that night i dreamt of boston. that night i dreamt of him.

the pilot as i think he will be named, asked about my life of love since my divorce. and i relayed the tales of what has come and gone. three stories briefly told and only one ended with a heart still broken. he heard it in my voice. it was the one he focused further questions on. and it brought to surface the memories and dreams i long ago buried.

i try to deny the concept of soul mates. they don’t exist. they can’t. nor does fate. or destiny. or fairy tales. they simply can’t! i make my path. i chose it. i control. always. but that night the heart controlled the mind.

the phone call came first. his voice the sweetest sound. i struggled to wake up enough to comprehend. was it really him. was the dream i’ve dreamed a million times finally coming true. i didn’t want to let myself believe it. but then somehow he was there. hesitant. timid. unsure if he was truly home. but i assured him he was. he always has been. and it didn’t just start the day i first met him in 1995. it didn’t start that summer on cape cod. it didn’t start in worcester years later. and it didn’t end the day almost seven years ago when i turned around one last time to see him watching me walk away to get on that plane. it simply always was. and is. and will be.

i closed my eyes. i wanted to lose myself in his scent, his embrace, his soul. but when i opened them again, he was gone. my eyes fought to find him in the darkness. but it was just my empty room. i fumbled for my phone. that part wasn’t a dream. it couldn’t have been. the sound of his voice so real. but there was no call. there was nothing. i closed my eyes. i wanted back in the dream. wanted what i’d lost. but he was gone. again.

i know it’s dating again. i know it’s facing another attempt to give someone the heart i never took back. i’ve tried. with jc. with the hunter. gave all i had and all i could but never all of me. i don’t know how to ~ or maybe i still don’t want to.

when you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.

maybe it’s time to wake up.

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Entry filed under: 40-something single, dating, relationships. Tags: , , , , .

call me maybe spank

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Miss Mile High  |  April 27, 2013 at 7:07 am

    Great post. I could feel the heartbreak, the longing, the open wounds. Sounds like it might be time to deal with this more, but my question is – what does that really mean? Don’t most of us have that one person we look back at with strong emotions and lack of closure? Is that a bad thing? Is it an unhealthy feeling to have or just part of love and loss?

    Only you know what’s right for you. Selfishly, I’d like to suggest you write more about it to help get the emotions out. And because I’m nosy and enjoy your writing.

    Reply
  • 2. kitkat1126  |  April 30, 2013 at 7:57 am

    I’m not going to lie, reading through the first few paragraphs – brought me back to a few years ago. The dreams that feel so real, the ache and almost denial when you realize they were just dreams. You writing in this post is beautiful and almost haunting.

    I have a feeling you’re exactly right – it’s dating again. Your mind, your heart, your soul, knows you’re about to try again whether or not you have had closure.

    I like what MMH said above, do we all have that one person we look back at with strong emotions and lack of closure? You know my feelings on closure…it never really happens – you just have to force yourself to move forward and naturally, it sort of happens. But it takes effort, faking it until you make it, and it’s up to you whether you’re deep down ready for that.

    Reply

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the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
10k pr ~ 52:49
half marathon pr ~ 1:55:10
marathon pr ~ 4:10:41
half ironman pr ~ 5:57:50
50k pr ~ 5:33:23
50-mile pr ~ 11:32:39

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