lightning strike

September 23, 2013 at 12:28 pm 5 comments

over the last five years or so i’ve become more and more of a hockey fan. a friend of mine has a handful of awesome season tickets and often offers them up. so when he gave me two tix to saturday night’s pre-season lightning game i readily accepted. i asked the attorney to go with me. she’s a trip and makes for a great “date” and i figured we could have fun checking out all the men which we were doing, and enjoying and laughing about until just after the start of the third period. we were walking back to our seats and who should we happen to pass on the stairs heading out of his seat … none other than the hunter. it caught me off guard for a second. but i made eye contact, head held high, kept walking and didn’t miss a step. but when he came back from getting his beer i couldn’t help but watch as he walked down a few rows and in toward his seat. i held my breath. waiting to see him plop down next to some buddy but instead he sat down next to a girl.

i don’t know why my heart sank. i don’t want him back. at all. but somehow it still hurt. and what made it worse was he wearing the jersey i bought him. the one i had custom made with his name and the day of our first date. i have to wonder how he explained that one to her! i made it through the rest of the game. not without ripping the poor girl apart from afar or chugging the rest of my drink. i even made my friend leave his seats and come sit with me, arm around me and all, so i’d have a guy next to me should the hunter turn around to see. immature? yes. but god i felt like i had been sucker punched.

when i got home things just got worse. a woe is me pity party and session with the heavy bag that left me in tears. frustration at the role i know i play in one failed relationship after another. for the most part, i’m happy. i like me. love my friends and my running obsession hobby but damn going to bed alone every night sucks sometimes! yet i really have little interest in dating. even the pilot, who has been hanging around a bit again, can’t fill this odd void i never seem to want to let anyone into. i don’t know what it’s going to take to make me happy. to ever let myself be in a place where i can break down the guard and let lightning strike.

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Entry filed under: 40-something single, relationships. Tags: , , , .

lucky seven my a-b-c’s

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kitkat1126  |  September 24, 2013 at 8:36 am

    I am no expert, this is totally just opinion and my experience so take what I’m saying with a grain of salt…

    I think most people will say, *when you find the right person you’ll let your guard down*.

    In my opinion it’s just the opposite. *You’ll find the right person to fill that void once you learn to let your guard down* And I feel like that usually takes some uncomfortable introspective time, working to take ownership of past behaviors in relationships and understanding why, and working towards being vulnerable, letting go of some pride, and opening up to let allow someone to fill that void. Even if that means letting go of expectations because the first few may try but still fail to fill it.

    Reply
    • 2. becelisa  |  September 24, 2013 at 10:26 am

      i completely agree. but i’m not really sure how to change it because for the most part i feel content with who i am and truly feel like i’ve put past ghosts to rest. but i know there is still something that makes it easier for me to just go it alone. maybe it’s just stubborn pride versus fear or insecurity but either way it keeps me from relying on anyone other than me, myself and i and if i don’t “need” anyone then i’ll never really get past a certain point in relationships. but how do you learn to need when you’re used to ~ and pretty good at ~ doing it all on your own?

      Reply
      • 3. kitkat1126  |  September 25, 2013 at 10:12 am

        I want to think about this! I know I have less experience and years with this but this really got me thinking. Even in my marriage still – I think quite a bit on how it would be easier on my own – I liked my routine, I liked how I did things and when I did them. It’s almost like, that’s the part I’m compromising and learning as I go because I love him so much it’s worth giving that up. But it’s not easy, and it’s something I’m constantly working on. Over time too I will say, I recognize more and more the benefit, the support and the amount I can learn from letting my routine change and my way adapt. But it sure is taking some time, effort and faking it until making it…

      • 4. Miss Mile High  |  October 11, 2013 at 6:47 pm

        I think it’s wayyy easier to do it alone. As much as I may love my fiancé, it’s a constant battle between wanting to do things my way (aka simple, makes sense and without questions) and wanting to try to make a partnership work. Because WORK is they key word. And I kinda don’t love doing it.

        So even when you find the “right one” it still takes an ungodly amount of fucking WORK.

        As far as seeing The Hunter with another woman…it will never be easy or ok. At least not for me. While I know someone in my past (that guy everyone hated) is in the past, I still find myself hoping he’s not with someone else. Because even if I don’t want to admit it to myself, it would feel like a rejection of ME if he were.

  • 5. DPR  |  September 24, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    Sure, but who won? What was the final score? How did Martin St Louis Play Stamkos? Was that sweedish guy in goal? You cant be thinking about your long term contract its all about winning for the team….

    Reply

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