Posts filed under ‘30-something single’

his and mine

i’ve been more than patient in allowing the hunter his gun-shy-insecurity about bringing our kids into our relationship. only a few years post divorce, and having already gone through one relationship breakup where the kids were introduced, he has been very cautious about his girls’ well being. and understandably so. for the first six months, i fully agreed it was too soon. for his and for mine! but when we crossed into eight months, ten, a year … i was not only ready, i felt it had to happen for our relationship to progress at all. but he still hesitated so i backed off and decided to let him call the shots. our girls did meet once. about a month and a half back. but it was no more than a 15 minute visit that was unexpected and unspectacular. don’t get me wrong, i was happy that it happened but it didn’t offer them ~ or us ~ any chance at getting to know each other.

a few weeks ago while running with the euro we got to talking about it. he too felt it was a necessary step and he made the comment that as a guy, it was one the hunter was likely not ever to suggest or push for. and though i agreed, i also knew that i had hit a break point and if i asked again, and he still wasn’t ready, then i felt safe to assume we had no future. and i wasn’t sure that was a potential reality i was ready to face. but as my mom always says “it was time to shit or get off the pot” so that night i gently suggested an upcoming weekend get together. his response … a schedule tweak with the ex for mother’s day meant his girls wouldn’t be with him. valid but no offer of another day or time left me questioning even more. so a week or so later i asked again with enough lead time and flexibility on days. his response … questionable weather might dampen my suggested excursions but we’d “play it by ear”. again, not a no. but not a yes. and i left it at that. a few days later i was surprised to get his text. his girls were excited about going to busch gardens that sunday! our plans. he had told them. and he was ready.

so two sundays ago sab and i headed to their house. after a brief tour and introduction to their zoo ~ the dog, the hamster, the bunny and the tortoise ~ the five of us headed off to spend the day at busch gardens. admittedly i was a little worried about his youngest. his older daughter (i’ll call her mag) is two weeks younger than sab and from what i’d heard about her, a similar personality so i assumed they would get along just fine. but the nine year old (i’ll call her blu) is the more hard headed. the strong willed. the handful. even in the brief meeting we’d had prior she had barely spoken. sized me up with her icy blue eyes but stayed glued to her dad with an air of possession. but even before we got to the park my concern faded. she was talkative. happy. funny. and though there was little interaction between the three of them in the backseat, there was no immediate apparent drama or personality clash either.

but not far into the day i realized that it wasn’t his i should have been worried about. maybe it was that they had each other where sab had no one. or maybe she was just feeling shy. because it was mine who came with the wall of attitude. she made no effort to talk and kept a distance as we walked or waited. i let it go at first. but after awhile it was too much and i started to get irritated. that last roller coaster ride i told her to get over it. make an effort. at least be polite if she couldn’t be nice. the car ride back to the hunter’s was a little quiet and i felt sure it would be awhile before we’d do it again. but the hunter asked if we wanted to stay and order pizza and while we were waiting for the delivery the girls all started playing on their ipod touches. separately at first. but it wasn’t long before they were comparing apps and instagrams. by the time we left, sab was texting mag, and did so until her ipod died at almost midnight, and they were all commenting back and forth on each others instagrams. the hunter found it silly. wondered why kids can’t communicate face to face without electronics. but i was simply happy they found a way to communicate at all and if the safety of an ipod was what they needed to hide behind then so be it. the rest will come in due time.

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June 6, 2012 at 1:09 pm 3 comments

running relationships

there is nothing more difficult to find than the perfect running partner. and it’s not just the challenge of finding someone whose schedule allows a similar time and place. but someone who keeps a similar pace. someone who talks when you want to listen. listens when you want to talk. or relishes the silence when needed. someone who knows when to push or when to back off. i had the best in b3. but since she moved away i’ve settled into happy running with the ironman, the euro and sometimes the thinker. all guys.

not long ago while out on an early morning long run with the thinker, we got in a discussion about men and women running together. seemed his wife was a little sketchy on his female friendships and for that reason he had neglected to tell her that he was running solo with me that morning. but a facebook comment and email accidentally left open resulted in him being in the doghouse. she doesn’t think there is anything going on between us per se but she just doesn’t understand the need for him to run with me. alone.

so while out for a ride the other night, i asked the euro how his girlfriend feels about him training with me. and no surprise it had been a sore spot between them on occasion. he has explained to her that we’re just running  ~ or riding in this case ~ and the fact that we are training for the same races makes training together just make sense. he can’t say she’s happy about it or understands but as long as he’s honest she’s accepted it.

over the past year the hunter has had very few and minor questions about my running relationships. i know he’s been a bit uncomfortable at times with the group meetings ~ aka dinners and drinks ~ and he doesn’t understand the extent that my running also permeates my social existence but it’s never been a forefront issue. that is until this weekend.

saturday i ran urban dare with the ironman. it’s a part trivia, part photo hunt, part mental event. sort of a one-day amazing race. it was a last minute thing. the ironman had bought a groupon a few weeks before but wasn’t sure he wanted to do it. in fact we almost didn’t. but day of decided it would be a unique, fun way to get in a run.

i didn’t think much of it when i responded to a text from the hunter telling him what adventure i was setting off on but post-race while recarbing with a blue moon it became extremely apparent that he wasn’t happy with me. at. all. he suggested i was “on a date”. he referred to my running as an unhealthy obsession. and he wouldn’t answer the phone and talk to me. though i was hurt by his lack of trust, i fully understood and respected why he was upset.

i don’t actively seek out male running partners. in fact quite the contrary, i think i look for more women. largely because of the hunter and the concern i have for the discomfort he may have. but fact is i’ve always gotten along better with men. i can’t stand catty. or girlie. or slow. i need someone who wants to push hard. someone not scared of mud and trails. someone tough. and given how hard it can be to find that perfect partner, i don’t limit based on sex.

last night at dinner we re-broached the subject under more rational circumstances. anything is better talked about over mexican and margaritas. he trusts me but he doesn’t understand and honestly i think it goes deeper than my coed running. ultimately i think he’s jealous not just of my choice of running partners, but of my passion for the run. it’s a huge part of my life that he’s not a part of. and it’s one that makes no sense to him. thankfully he didn’t ask me to give up the guys because i’m just not sure i could. not with augusta looming. but though i don’t think he’s the type to ever do so, i worry more that someday he’s going to ask me to give up the run and that’s a relationship no one will ever come between.

April 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm 2 comments

sometimes love just ain’t enough

i thought having to celebrate the hunter’s 40th birthday less than two months into our relationship was hard. and a first christmas together also proved to be a bit of an uncertainty. a fear of giving or getting more than in return. but we managed to get through those holidays unscathed. valentine’s day however ~ the day supposedly made for love and romance ~ may have left a scar.

leading in i never brought up the approaching “holiday”. truth be told i’ve never been a fan. where’s the love and emotion in corporate endorsed romance?  it was on my radar. love of the holiday or not, i’m a woman and for the first time in years i was going to find myself in a relationship on feb 14. and not to mention you couldn’t turn on the tv or walk into any retail establishment without wanting to vomit from the excessive marketing and advertising. but at a hockey game the tuesday prior, the hunter nonchalantly mentioned its approach and the fact that we would both have our kids. so, he supposed, we should celebrate over the upcoming weekend. we toyed with the idea of going away for a night but given the only logical day trip in florida is beach related and given the incoming cold front was going to take saturday night into the chilly 30s, it seemed silly to spend the money on a hotel when we had the comfort of home and privacy of his hot tub right at our finger tips. we said little more about it than that. the puck dropped and so did the subject.

unsure of what to expect, saturday afternoon i headed to his house with options. two gift bags; the first a watch ~ one of his loves ~ and the other a bag of xxx goodies ;). i figured i’d get inside. survey the scene. let him set the tone and i’d choose one or the other or both if need be. but when i walked inside there was nothing. not a flower. nor a card. maybe later i thought. it’s mid-day and we had a bunch of errands on our afternoon schedule. but saturday night nothing. and not just valentine’s day induced. i mean NOTHING.

though we had a fun, full weekend, by sunday night i found myself withdrawing. quiet. moody. it wasn’t the lack of a valentine’s day celebration per se. at least i don’t think so. but it was the overall. the hunter’s lack of random acts of romance. the fact that he brought up celebrating then failed to follow through. that he’d hardly touched me all weekend beyond the standard kiss here and sunday morning quickie there. i know he’s not the touchy feely kind. i accept that in him. at least i try. but sometimes it’s not so easy. i believe in the physical. from simple touch to fully intertwined. and without it i feel empty.

when we finally crawled into bed he asked what was wrong. i tried to avoid the communication. stay locked where i prefer to hide. but he pushed and i broke. i told him about the gift bags still sitting in my car (not what was in them though). i explained my need to feel ~ physically and emotionally ~ wanted. i asked for more. he listened. quietly. and when all was said he offered two consolations; one, he had ordered me flowers. they were scheduled to be delivered the next morning (guess i ruined that surprise). and two, maybe we could have a redo and make the upcoming wednesday our night.

sure enough the next morning a dozen roses arrived at my office and wednesday we went out for a wonderful dinner followed by a night in the hot tub and the goodie bag 😉 but i’ve yet to be able to put the hurt behind me. the roses were beautiful and so appreciated, yet the note that came along with them could have been written to a friend. in the valentine’s day card waiting for me on wednesday he didn’t even write “i love you” nonetheless say it. and why even bring up valentine’s day and celebrating over the weekend if there was no intent of doing so.

thing is i know he loves me. i don’t doubt that. it simply isn’t an easy place for him to be. i can only guess the damage done by ten years in a loveless marriage. and i can fully relate to the self reliance and need for regimented structure to survive alone. love isn’t easy for me either. but that doesn’t mean i don’t want it and i really don’t know where to go from here. there’s a quote i read sometime back that i’m trying to take to heart.

just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have.

but what if everything they have isn’t enough?

February 21, 2012 at 10:19 am 9 comments

something old. something new.

how do i write the first post of a new year? especially when my last post of the old was weeks ago. do i share the tales of family chaos and clutter that left the holidays resembling those of the griswolds more than the cleavers? do i tell of miles run with hope of improved recovery only to have to walk much of the last few of ten on new year’s eve day due to an unfamiliar pain behind the knee? do i reflect back on a year of change that sometimes leaves my footing seem so uncertain. i guess i will share a little of all. the last of the old. the first of the new.

out with the old
on my last day at work before the holiday break i felt an impelling need to let go of harbored heartbreak. standing in jc’s office door i could sense his curiosity and as i bid him a merry christmas i pushed all pride aside. “can i have a hug” i asked with trepidation. “of course”, he stammered, obviously shocked. it was simple. awkward. walls still between us that will never be gone. but it was done. i forgive. yet i’ll never forget.

resolve
the calf had been doing ok. not great but comfortable to eight, one solid 10 and the tough mudder 12. sometimes a little lingering discomfort but nothing that seemed of concern. but on the last day of the year, i headed into the woods. i felt it around mile seven but it wasn’t until the thinker tripped and i had to stop and restart that it really began to bother me. mile eight i had to walk. one thing about the trails, there is no letting someone run ahead to come back and get you in the car. thankfully, gentleman that he is, the thinker stayed by my side. two miles alternating a walk and barely a jog. i haven’t run since. it hurts. it’s wrong. and the doctor isn’t an option right now. financially i’m catching up from christmas. probably will be for awhile. and there is no budget for copays. but i’m over it all and it’s time to stop pretending and pushing. as of now i resolve to be balanced by summer. hip strengthening. core work. it’s all connected and it’s time to stop masking the deeper rooted skeletal issues that keep me from staying injury free.

family affairs
i knew it wouldn’t be easy. i’d spent two and half years avoiding the potential drama. a week at my mother’s can pose challenging enough but with my older brother living there i had to bite more than just my tongue to even dare. the pre-trip request to wait and do presents the day after sent me seeing red before we even arrived. and the plane trip up was interesting to say the least complete with a sweet yet unique in-flight proposal ~ he asked. he said yes. ~ and a less-than-comforting request for any passengers with medical experience to aid in an emergency. seems southwest knew to start my trip with a twist! and the rest of the week followed suit. a christmas morning “situation” that left me furious to the selfish games some divorced parents play with their children. plans not upheld. confirmation that things will always revolve around him and his. but i did it. me and mine survived. and now no one can say i’m the cold, unforgiving bitch. and if nothing else, i got my day in boston with an amazing friend and myrtle the turtle.

the bigger picture
in nearly nine months together the words “i love you” had yet to grace our lips. many times i’d come close but always tripped over the words. they don’t come easy for me. nor for the hunter. new year’s eve was our night. our christmas. our holidays rolled into one. he opened first. a lightning jersey custom printed with his name and the day of our first date. manly enough that no one but us need know the hidden romance. and the perfect selection to wear to his other gift, our evening plans of the hockey game and private pre-game reception.

my gift from him was obvious from the moment i walked in his house. he had joked for months. my bedroom tv too small to satisfy his every need. thankfully it’s the only place he’s not satisfied in my bedroom 😉  we both had to laugh at the fact he even bother to wrap the huge box on the floor. but before i ripped into the paper i had to open the card. the front was beautiful. a christmas poem of all things joyful. but it was what he wrote inside that made my every christmas wish come true.

merry christmas and happy new year sweetie. we seem to be a very good fit together so i hope this is the first of many holidays we spend together. love, the hunter. and yes, becelisa, i do love you i just have problems finding the right time to say it.

this was far from what i expected. it didn’t matter that his first i love you was in pen instead of words. i knew it took him opening his heart completely to say it even in ink. and later, after a wonderful night out, he opened it further. looked deep into my eyes. “i really do love you, becelisa. i really do.” and that was a far better gift than the 32″ flat screen.

in with the new
i’ve always dreaded that midnight moment. ask me for one memory of happy and i’d be tongue tied over tales of disappointment. i don’t need much. just real. our night had no grandiose glamour. an exciting (and thankfully winning) lightning game. followed by the best seat in the the house for all the area fireworks ~ the hot tub. i can’t explain how perfect it was. just us. a cool night. an amazing moon and stars. masked only by the colorful explosions of all shapes and sizes. he decided he needed to go check the time just in case it was close and he walked inside. not 30 seconds later he came running ~ and i use the term running loosely. cautious not to slip on the deck. maybe a little love drunk ;). he leapt back into the tub and as he reached to kiss me we heard yelling from the neighboring houses … “ten, nine, eight …” he hadn’t wanted to miss it. that moment. midnight. we let the neighbors count it down and then for the first time ever the new year started with a moment i will always remember.

January 9, 2012 at 2:13 pm 3 comments

should i stay or should i go now?

over the past seven and a half months i’ve focused so much on wondering how the hunter feels about me that sometimes i seem to forget to step back and ask myself how i feel about him.  i’ve revealed my concerns about his lack of romance and sensitivity but in fairness to him, no one has ever called me a great romantic either. and i have to eat my words about having no fantasies about him ever bringing me random flowers. the vase sitting by my bed with a huge beautiful bouquet says otherwise. but at the end of the day we are both rational. solid. maybe a little too analytical. led by reality versus dreams. creatures of habit of our respective self controlled worlds that somehow seem to work together. and for that i know i love him and feel we have exactly the type of relationship that could endure.

but this past tuesday night something made me start to think otherwise and i hate to admit that it started with a chance meeting earlier in the day. the drill sergeant and i were finishing up a workout. a run followed by monkey bars. flipping two-hundred pound tires. and more in preparation for tough mudder. as he pushed me through the pain, we couldn’t help but marvel at the rope jumper off to the side. the strength and grace in this guy was amazing. jokingly the drill sergeant called out if he wanted to join us for TM and low and behold he yelled back that he is running it already. saturday not sunday like us. but it led to a conversation.

let me preface this by saying i am crazy attracted to the hunter. he’s everything i’ve always physically wanted in a man. six foot. intense icy blue eyes. goatee scruff. built just enough and with amazing arms (easily my favorite part of a man’s body. well second favorite maybe ;)) with just enough ink to show the rough side behind the clean cut. looking at him you would never guess he’s 40 and given i’ve always preferred younger men that’s a definite plus. so i was shocked that for the first time since the day i met the hunter i was mesmerized by another man. and even more shocked that he was 5’8″ at best and easily pushing into his late 40s. yes he was a physical specimen to marvel. but it was his eyes that held my attention. i couldn’t tell you what color they were. but i could tell you they radiated a passion and intensity yet sincere kindness that seems so rare. we talked mudder. we talked hip and si joint. a similar issue he overcame. he walked me through pt exercises to help. talked me through the chronic doubt that i’ll ever be pain free. when the drill sergeant and i finally left i was disappointed yet almost relieved that i was walking away.

that night the hunter and i were going to a hockey game. he’s a huge lightning fan. i’m a love it but could leave it kind of gal. but i was excited about the gift of great seats from a friend of a friend and knew we had a fun night ahead. but less than 30 seconds in, the canadians scored. bummer. oh well. sucks but so be it. but i was floored when the hunter threw out a pretty loud insult to the opposing fans. it’s a game dude. and they are just as welcome to cheer for their team as we are ours. he apologized and bit his tongue going forward. sort of. though the words were (mostly) kept in check, i could tell each goal took him further and further from fun. we didn’t just lose. we got our asses destroyed. it was a quiet ride home. and as we pulled into my driveway i was shocked when the hunter almost didn’t get out of the car. “oh, did you want me to come in?” um yeah. we long since passed the days of you drop me off after a date. but what really floored me was when the candles and music and my naked body in bed led to a comment about the ceiling fan and the fact that he wasn’t in the mood. really? because of a hockey game? as i blew out the candles and pulled up the covers, i asked him if he was staying though given even his shoes had yet to hit the floor i already knew the answer. he said it made more sense for him to go home since he had to work they next day and i didn’t. i told him to leave and retreated to my side of the bed and my internal analysis about what really was the right way to handle this? some guys take their sports to heart. though i can’t understand it, i always try to respect differences. if he wants to be moody over something i see as stupid then that’s his prerogative. but i really didn’t want him to do it on my time. he never left. hours later i still lay there thinking as he slept soundly. the next morning i woke to his arms around me and the first words of an apology for “behaving like a child and ruining our night.” i really still had nothing to say. no words of acceptance or understanding. he asked if i was still coming over that night? wednesday night plans of a workout and a hot tub to lead into a simple day of thanks. i managed to nod but it was half-hearted at best.

last night was upper body intense then a retreat to the heat. neighbors or not the hot tub is never quite g-rated. but this time it was him on his side me on mine. some talk of the stars. random conversation. but not once did i reach for him. not out of spite or paybacks for him turning me down the night prior. though not a regular occurrence, it wasn’t the first time he’s needed a break from my over active libido. but i simply didn’t have any desire. and as i listened to him talk i heard a voice in my head questioning. analyzing. destroying. we went through the motions of the rest of the night. dinner. tv. bed. this time he reached for me and i ~ as always ~ reached back but suddenly love and sex seemed so far distant from one another and i wasn’t sure i was where i wanted to be.

today i needed to let go and for that i know only one thing. but rather than simply run away i asked him to go with me. trails. woods. my heaven. i ran, he biked. though he enjoyed it i’m not sure he recognized the rite of passage into my retreat. but it’s one he wouldn’t understand any way. i suppose much like i’ll never understand why a lightning loss need be taken personally. afterward we enjoyed a simple turkey dinner. our kids out of town there was no family, friends or fanfare over a holiday neither of us take to. no overindulgence. no drama. football followed by a nap on his lap. giving thanks.

relationships are a give and take. moments of clarity that can quickly turn to complete lack of comprehending each other. acceptance of differences. comfort of similarities. i know there is no perfect. yet somehow i still prefer to hold onto the unattainable fairy tale. maybe it leaves me a reason to say i need more. i’ve never been good at staying.

November 24, 2011 at 8:59 pm 6 comments

kid fears

after seven months together, the hunter and i have yet to introduce our kids. well that’s not entirely true. months ago we brought together the four-legged, furry ones with a successful outcome but it’s the two-legged ones we’ve kept in the wings of our relationship.

my daughter knows about the hunter. she has for awhile. she may only be 11 but she gets her type-A, rational demeanor from me and we’ve always had a line of communication and understanding that i’m pretty proud of. we’ve talked openly about the risk of her getting attached to something that may not last and she respects the fact that i don’t want her to meet him … yet.

the hunter’s girls ~ ages 11 and 8 ~ don’t even know that he is dating. at least not that i’m aware of. he’s had one other relationship since his divorce and they introduced the kids pretty quickly. the day after they did, his youngest went to school and announced to everyone that she was getting a new mommy. his girls wanted him to get married again. to be a family. and when things fell apart, they were devastated to go through another split. so understandably he’s been extremely hesitant to risk putting them through anymore heart break.

but the other night the hunter sent me a text that suggested he’s close if not ready to make that step. though it was the most amazing confirmation of his feelings for me, it caught me off guard and i unexpectedly find myself hesitant. i’m not sure what i’m scared of. it’s not that i think we would be jumping the gun and bringing the girls into a less than solid relationship. though the last few months have had some rocky moments, i honestly feel the hunter and i have been building a solid foundation to what i think could be a long-term future. we’ve been slowly chipping away at the walls and fears we both hide behind extreme rational, analytical personalities and it’s almost uncanny how similar we are. and i don’t think i’m worried about the girls not getting along. though i can 100 percent guarantee there will be pre-teen-girl hormone raged days where they all hate each other, i feel we are both pretty solid in our parenting and don’t think we would be any more dysfunctional than the average “real family” with three girls close in age.

but i suppose in some ways it’s not about the kids. it’s about me. about taking a huge step out of my comfort zone. for nine years it’s been just me and sab. yes, her dad is here and involved but my house ~ OUR house ~ is just me and my girl. we have our way of doing things. silly mommy/daughter rituals. rules. routines. i know kids are flexible. they adjust. the question is, would i?

November 15, 2011 at 11:01 am 2 comments

high hopes

the last thing i want to do is get my hopes up high and then crash back to reality but i think i need the positivity right now.

first and foremost, i can not rave about the stick enough! i’m not a huge “product pusher”. what works for one may not work for another but if you’re a runner i really think you need one of these. i have no doubt it has made all the difference in my calf.

last night i ran 3 miles ~ nothing breathtaking i know ~ but i held a 9 minute pace. again nothing to write home about but considering anything faster than a ten as of late has been impossible due to intense tightness in my calf, i’m thrilled with a 9 minute mile! and the best part … so far today i feel no worse for the wear. now i’m a two-dayer when it comes to muscle pain so tomorrow could change that but i don’t think it will.

on top of the running improvement, i’m feeling a lot more hopeful about things with the hunter. this past weekend was my annual crazy weekend of work events. friday was a 15 hour work day and saturday morning started with a 4:30 a.m. alarm. event after event. fun but exhausting. the last part a football game that the hunter joined me for. i admit that the talk we had the other night left me ready to retreat at the first sign of hesitation on his part but from the moment he arrived at the stadium he was 100 percent there and invested in us. a heartbreaking game followed by an early dinner and then back to his house. we spent most of the evening in the hot tub. it’s become one of my favorite places to be with him. leaning back into his sexy chest. staring up at the stars. music playing. as we talk for hours about the most random thoughts. i couldn’t have asked for a more perfect way to end the day. sunday i was ready to slip out mid-morning. i won’t add to the pressure he’s put on himself and i wanted to respect his need for space. but he suggested i hang a little longer. go out for lunch. watch the bucs game. relax. it was early evening when i finally headed home.

and to add to the stress relief, my big boss made a little detour to my office the other day with the news that a few select people would be getting a performance bonus and i was one. $1,300 added to my next paycheck will certainly take a little financial pressure off the upcoming holiday season. christmas in cash … that’s a damn nice surprise!

hopefully this is all a start to me digging out of the black hole i have been in. i know getting my run back will make all the difference. funny how a form of exercise can alter my world so drastically but running really is my cheap therapy. my time. my escape. my hope.

October 25, 2011 at 8:55 am 1 comment

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the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
10k pr ~ 52:49
half marathon pr ~ 1:55:10
marathon pr ~ 4:10:41
half ironman pr ~ 5:57:50
50k pr ~ 5:33:23
50-mile pr ~ 11:32:39

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