Posts filed under ‘40-something single’

coming up for air

holy crap. it’s been a long time since i’ve written. i’ve had lulls in my posting regularity before but i think this might be my biggest break. i’m not even sure where to begin to catch up … with you or with me, myself and i.

i suppose i’ll start with the abridged version of the race report i could have and should have written after iron horse. this might be better anyway. all the hoopla and lead up i could have shared would have come down to one simple statement … i DNF’d the 100k. but the race director is one of those that let’s you drop down and still get a finish for a shorter race so i finished the 50 mile distance. with a PR of one minute and 19 seconds mind you. i was upset. mad at myself for not pushing through. irritated that i was running the race of my life up until about mile 35 when suddenly everything went downhill fast. my knees were shot and this stupid nagging pain started shooting through my ankle. i tried. i walked. i cried. i caved. come to find out my talus bone was rotated backwards. so i suppose i had valid reason to be in pain but i still kick myself in the ass for not pushing through to get that buckle.

i’ll throw blame though … it was the trainers fault! he was way too amazing as support and crew. too willing and able to walk the entire damn thing with me if i had wanted to (he did the last five with me). but most of all, way too warm and comforting and the desire to walk 12 more miles in the cold was quickly masked by the desire to crawl into the cozy race bed he had built for us in the back of his element. yup … all his fault 😉 running has been sporadic since then. the chiro popped the talus back but my knees took awhile to fully recover. and i no doubt need to drop the pesky seven pounds of happiness i’ve gained the last few months, but i’m getting there.

yes, i am happy. ridiculously giddy gaga happy. i’m dumbfounded everyday by things with the trainer. things are so good that … wait for it … he is moving in with us! in some way already has. but we’re actually in the process of redoing some things in the house i own out in the ‘view that has been tenant occupied for the last four years. new paint ~ inside and out. new floors in all the bedrooms. and what unexpectedly has turned into a renovated kitchen complete with new cabinets, granite and appliances. on one hand, i’m freaked. i haven’t lived with, or even wanted to live with anyone other than my kid in almost 13 years. but somehow it all makes perfect sense.

so yes, i’m happy. but i’m also a disaster. the past few weeks we’ve been in limbo. living out of boxes and on camping chairs with half our stuff here and the other half there. we’ve been battling contractors and robbing peter to pay paul. i don’t do disarray well. not at all. i’ve probably cried more in the past two weeks than i’ve cried in the last two years simply over things like counter-top clutter and a missing pair of shoes. i’ve probably crossed the line into crazy-psycho-over-emotional chick territory … but i have no doubt that we are building a beautiful home together.

there’s so much more to share ~ including that my kid got her learner’s permit and my mother’s cancer may be back ~ but i’m going to have to ease back into this writing thing.


May 22, 2015 at 12:32 pm 1 comment

life, love and the pursuit of a buckle

i was absolutely dumbfounded to wake up sunday morning and realize it was the first of february. the past couple months have simply flown by in a whirlwind of elation. i’m in awe of life right now and i’m trying not to let the pessimist realist dumbass in me question and destroy where i am out of fear or lack of trust.

things with the trainer are amazing! from date one the comfort level and ease of who we are together has been like nothing i have ever known. the give and take. the communication. the mutual respect and adoration. the only worry i sometimes find myself with is that we’re moving too fast. he’s not just met but has spent time with mini-me including staying over while she’s home ~ something the hunter NEVER did in all our time together! in fact we’ve set up a routine of when he’s here versus there. he lives an hour away but with a second location of his business being here, he needs the set days to schedule appointments. he’s got a spot in the closet. stuff in the bathroom. food in my fridge. i always thought sharing my space and my individual world with someone would be hard for me given my set-in-my-ways independence. but every time he leaves to go “home” the house seems empty and far too quiet. of course that could be the fact that he comes with two big, high energy dogs as well 😉 lol.

outside the disgustingly cute crap that is my relationship, there’s more to be thankful for! as always, i won’t go into details about work but long story short, i never moved into the new role i was going to take. instead a needed staff change led to the director reorganizing our team structure and she is transitioning me into an assistant director role over digital marketing campaigns and content creation. totally. kick. ass! it comes with a lot of work. especially given the “downsize” in team. but we’re in the process of hiring reinforcements!

as for the run. this weekend is iron horse. the race that would have been my first attempt at the 100 mile distance. but with the entire month of december down due to injury from the florence marathon. and january’s long runs never exceeding more than 20 miles, i’ve decided to play it smart. well … sort of. seems a few people think i’m still certifiably insane to be attempting the 100k! 😉 i thought about cutting down to the 50 mile. really i did. but i’ve been there, done that. and if i can’t have the 100 this time, at the very least i want a new distance PR. and besides … the 50 only yields a medal. but a 100k finish will earn me a buckle! and i want!

one of the best things about this weekend is that the trainer is going with me. if you’ve been around long enough you’ll know that my ex boyfriend, the hunter, found every excuse to not be at my races, including my first half ironman. that one was the straw that broke the camel’s back and we broke up a few days after i got back home. maybe it’s because he’s new to my crazy, but i’ve given the trainer every opportunity to not go with me and he won’t hear it. throw in the fact that he’s been running with me and plans to both crew and pace when necessary and i swear this guy is a dream come true. i have forewarned him that i will likely yell at him, ignore him, hate him, need him, cry on him, and all together, scare the shit out of him at one point or another this weekend but he’s assured me he can handle it all.

so in conclusion of the summary of the month gone by, i think things are summed up with this simple statement … i am damn happy!

February 3, 2015 at 3:41 pm 4 comments

new year. new start.

i made a comment to a friend on new year’s day how i find it funny that my writing seems to correlate to my running. i know this blog is in some ways mostly running related so i suppose that would make sense, but the last month has had had so many stories to tell yet with no miles i’ve had no words.

on new year’s day i also ran for the first time since the florence marathon. time down due to an injury from one of those tales not yet told. the basics … minor calf muscle tears mid-race (that i of course stupidly pushed through in spite of numerous attempts to try and convince myself to quit) followed by major swelling from back-to-back flights home that led to more tearing and the concern of a blood clot in my leg. an ultrasound cleared me of the clot, but the calf needed to heal. i didn’t argue and i didn’t push. i simply stopped running with a very uncharacteristic acceptance of the fact that this injury would likely take my 100 off the table. and though i probably could have handled a few miles earlier in the week it seemed fitting to wait until jan 1. a new start per se. and this year who i ran with made the relevance of a new year’s day sunrise run far more symbolic.

i know some of you are waiting for that story. you’ve seen pictures or the status update on facebook. i am officially <gulp> in a relationship! so i guess it’s time to tell.

i’m not sure what made me go there again. i long since gave up on the world of online dating. maybe it was not being able to run and needing something to fill my time. or maybe it was the thought of spending the impending holidays alone again but mere days into the temporary lapse of sanity i knew it was a mistake. the same faces. the same bullshit. i was about to delete, yet again, but then someone caught my attention. a click of a wink and a line or two later we bonded over 4 a.m. sleepless emails that eventually turned to texts then talk. when we finally agreed to meet for a drink i almost prayed he’d be nothing like i expected. disappointment is familiar to me. the fear hope of something more wasn’t.

they say that you’ll know. you won’t know how. you certainly won’t understand why. but from the moment your eyes meet or your skin touches it simply all makes the most irrational sense and you know better than to try to find the ever elusive answer. i’ve felt it once before. with boston. and truth be told it’s likely the reason why a part of me never believed i would feel it again. a soulmate is forever. a once in a lifetime that only a lucky few get to experience. and in spite of the tangled web of love we wove, i’ve always treasured every memory of boston as my one and only chance. so who was i to think i ever deserved a second.

but it feels as though that’s exactly what i’ve been given. my rationality screams at me to breath. take it slow. but with time off work and off the run the last month has been all about us and it’s felt right. but now starts the real test of balance. his world there. my world here. back to work. back to the run.

but for some reason i’m not too concerned. i trust his feelings in a way i haven’t trusted in a long time. and maybe even more important i trust my own.

I have no idea what to expect but i can’t wait to see what 2015 has in store for me … and for us!

January 2, 2015 at 1:38 pm 6 comments

can’t we just be friends

in the last few weeks i’ve had two different male friends profess feelings and ask me out. i won’t label either as really close friends. buddies who run (literally) in the same circles might be more accurate a description but with enough shared to be more than mere aquantainces.

the first caught me way off guard! and i actually considered. even agreed to get together for a run and drinks one evening to talk though i insisted we shy away from calling it a date. i truly enjoy his company and when at the end of the not-a-date we decided to see what a kiss between us felt like, i was quite taken aback by how amazing it was. but after really thinking it through i know he’s not what i’m looking for. we’ve had a couple of awkward moments since then but i think the friendship will be ok.

the second situation wasn’t quite so drama free. a few of us were out of town. he was drunk. his great reveal became more of dictator’s speech than a conversation. i knew i wasn’t interested in him that way. so i tried to be nice. to let him down easy. but he wouldn’t stop. and he crossed the line when he invaded my personal space and wouldn’t back the fuck off. the i-blame-the-liquor apology email he sent the next day only fueled my red-headed-fire and my response ended any hope that the friendship would be salvaged.

the question as to whether or not men and women can just be friends is a hard one. i like to think so especially given i have a lot of male friends and always have but sometimes i’m just not so sure. i think harry (in the movie when harry met sally) may have said it best “men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.” whether voiced or not, does someone always harbor a desire for more? i’m starting to feel that might be the case and i hate i’m pulling back from certain friendships for it.

November 12, 2014 at 12:12 pm Leave a comment

that’s all she wrote

100 training week three: lose the boy. find the run.

focus is back on what i know best; running away from everything towards nothing.

August 25, 2014 at 2:01 pm 3 comments

oh captain, my captain

all he told me was to be at the marina on my island at 7 p.m. that he would be the guy in the little white boat waving. i’d met him the weekend before but under circumstances that hadn’t allowed for me to really take in all of him and as i stood on the dock watching the boat near, i caught my breath on the moment. his dark salt and peppered hair and goatee scruff. the sun-kissed skin and solid build. he had on dark shorts and a light gray short sleeved button up. sunglasses and bare feet and he sat at the helm with an air of confidence and comfort that clearly reflected the water as his domain.

he helped me into the boat where a cold titos and soda was waiting and a favorite song was playing. over the week he’d asked my preferences on little details that were all coming together for the first date perfect. but the plan for the perfect date, he said, is that there is no plan. we would just go and see where we ended up. the weather had threatened storms all day but somehow the skies had cleared and the water had calmed. we simply boated and talked. laughed and learned while we watched dolphin frolic in our wake. he’s everything i am. a contradiction in terms so to speak. outdoorsy and tough on one hand. educated and cultured on the other and there was a comfort and ease that made it seem as though we were far beyond a first date. when his arm draped around my shoulder it felt right.

an hour or so later he admitted to the 9 p.m. dinner reservation he had made. it was plan B, he said. or maybe plan A since the original plan was no plan at all. but as we headed that way with the thought to go early, we detoured back to the un-plan and docked at the pavilion for a drink. people watching. more laughter. it was so easy. exactly what a first date should be. we weren’t there long. we were both hungry. but before getting back on the boat i made a quick stop at the ladies room and he waited by the water. from behind my sunglasses i watched him as he watched me walk back down toward him. his eyes not missing a single step. and as soon as i was close enough he gently wrapped his arms around my waist and softly kissed my lips.

we made it to dinner right on time for our reservation. a place i’d never been but had more than wanted to try. and as expected it was amazing. shared crab cakes. grilled salmon over quinoa for me. a rare tuna steak for him. we talked running and his desire to start again. a recent planned marathon missed due to life’s chaos. we shared family tales and corporate stories. but as fabulous as the food and ambiance were, we couldn’t wait to get back out on the water. to escape the confines of a table and the surrounding crowds.

i’m always dumbfounded by the quiet of the river. the waste of the city and the lack of what could be an amazing waterfront nightlife. we didn’t so much as see a single other boat. but that night i wasn’t complaining. the river was all ours. we docked at rick’s. a casual fun waterfront bar and found a table. but not two minutes later we just looked at each other and almost simultaneously suggested leaving. our private water oasis was far better.

we spent another hour or so on the water before docking back at the island. he went to walk me to the jeep but i insisted i help him with the boat first. and though he wouldn’t let me help, i watched as he maneuvered her out of the water. there was something incredibly sexy in the way he handled her. a delicate strength. a man and his boat. and i couldn’t help but imagine if he would guide me with the same assurance.

we’re a few weeks and multiple dates in now and i’m in a daze. plans for so much more. and talk of when we get there. i’m trying not to let my jaded mind keep me from going into this with anything other than an open heart because i feel like a teenager falling in love for the very first time and i’m both excited and petrified by how perfect it feels.





August 16, 2014 at 6:11 am 4 comments

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the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
10k pr ~ 52:49
half marathon pr ~ 1:55:10
marathon pr ~ 4:10:41
half ironman pr ~ 5:57:50
50k pr ~ 5:33:23
50-mile pr ~ 11:32:39