Posts filed under ‘divorce and co-parenting’

Protected: 31

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


December 9, 2013 at 2:12 pm Enter your password to view comments.

Protected: once hidden

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

August 14, 2013 at 8:42 pm Enter your password to view comments.

how long must i weight

after a few nights of happy hour pity parties, i decided it was time to hit the gym yesterday. i can’t do much. seated upper body weights only for two weeks then i can get in the pool and see how the foot feels. i figured something was better than nothing but there are only so many arm exercises one can do and given my gym isn’t typically that crowded i ran through them all pretty quick. it wasn’t a bad experience but i’m just not a fan of weights and in all i think i was there for 30 minutes. not enough time to keep me from an evening home alone thinking. or more accurately defined in my world … over-analyzing. this injury couldn’t have come at a worse time. i want to run! i need to run! gut out the hurt and confusion i’m dealing with right now. but i know my foot is broken and i have to let it heal. i just hate to weight!

between the conversations i’ve had with friends, and the often more honest ones i’ve had with me, myself and i, i find myself pretty secure in the decision that when if the hunter calls or texts, i need to shut it down quickly. looking back there were so many things that would have never allowed us to go long term. at least not without me making major sacrifices. i guess i had hoped that at some point he was going to prove that i was sacrifice worthy in his world but he never did and i honestly don’t see him changing enough to ever be what i really want and need. he’s not a bad guy. it’s just that for all our similarities we are very different people who want very different things.

so what do i want? no doubt next time around i am dating a runner. not a cyclist. not a weight lifter. not a couch potato. i want someone who not only accepts and supports my habit hobby but who actually loves it too. we don’t have to run the same pace, distance or days. but if he’s not eagerly getting up at 4:30 a.m. some saturdays to hit the trails with me then there’s already a disconnect. i want someone ready to build a family. be it just by becoming a part of mine, merging ones we already have or even creating our own. not saying i want another kid but i’m all for adopting. i mean how cute an addition to a household would this little guy be? šŸ˜‰

seriously, i just want someone who isn’t gun shy. someone who trusts himself enough as a father to know that it’s not only ok to let kids spend time together but absolutely necessary to do so in order to see how dynamics blend. i want someone semi-social. i must say that i loved the hunter’s homebody nature. i am not big on being out on the town. i couldn’t care less about the latest and greatest restaurant and parties exhaust me. but he might have been an extremist. we stayed in. a lot. and sometimes i want and need to be around people.

there’s more of course. might sound silly but i really don’t want to date another non-coffee drinker. not sure how i, as a potential addict, always seem to pick men who don’t touch the stuff, but the ability and desire to make me a cup of java in bed on a sunday morning certainly gets bonus points. and i definitely want someone who hates florida as much as i do and can and will leave someday when local obligations are complete ~ aka the day my kid goes off to college and i can run away too!

i know he’s out there. the right guy. and i’m so eager and ready to find him but i also know i’m hurt. the heart is broken and i have to let it heal. i just hate to wait!

October 12, 2012 at 2:26 pm 2 comments

i’m all out of love

i knew it was over. it was awhile ago. but we’ve been holding on. both of us i think hoping that somehow we would find what we had lost. but really i was merely trying to delay it. i had to get through augusta. had to keep my focus. but i knew that once that medal was around my neck i’d have to face the facts. i thought a lot while i was gone. i knew that i wasn’t getting what i needed. i tried to figure out why i was sticking around when i wasn’t. truth be told, i couldn’t even decide if i still loved him. but being alone wasn’t something i wanted again.

my plan was to lay it on the line this weekend. talk, scream, cry and see if there was any getting him to bring emotion back to us. but yesterday when my phone rang as mini-me and i were leaving her ice skating lesson, i knew that he wasn’t going to wait until then. i couldn’t talk so he asked me to call him later and as i drove home i could almost sense the relief i hoped i was going to find.

our conversation was nothing of the expected. “how was your day”. “what does the weekend weather look like”. maybe, i wondered, i was wrong and there was a weekend chance. but 45 minutes later my phone rang again and in that there was no doubt.

he’s tired of disappointing me. knows i deserve more and can’t figure out why he can’t bring himself to give it to me. he wasn’t sure what to do. he didn’t want to lose me but he didn’t think the relationship worked anymore. i let him say what he needed to and all i could answer with was “ok”.

“ok???” he asked. yes, i said. ok. i won’t cry and beg someone to feel something they don’t. i have so much to give and he made sure to keep himself expendable in my world. made sure to keep himself at arms distance. always.

i love you. he said. i’m just not in love with you anymore. how do you argue with that.

i wish i could say i found relief. i wish i could say i’m ok. i’m not. but i will be. i know it’s for the best. i know i deserve someone as crazy for me as i am for them and really he wasn’t the only one who had fallen out. but i didn’t want to be alone and i was willing to settle. hopefully someday i’ll be able to thank him for not letting me.

October 4, 2012 at 4:58 pm 3 comments

break point

things have been a little rocky lately in the relationship. there’s been a disconnect. a distance. and rather than try to bridge it, i’ve done what i always do which is withdraw further and plan the escape.

leading into the weekend i was pretty upset. the decision to not go to the bunny’s wedding celebration was a tough one for me and a part of me lay blame on the hunter for not being willing to go with me. was it really his fault … no. i’m a big girl and i could have gone alone but it seemed easier to put some of it on him.

but frustration and uncertainly led things to come to a head on saturday. over a coffee pot. and when i left his house saturday afternoon i didn’t even look back.

that evening we talked. really talked. something we both avoid. under communicators. over analyzers. a dangerous combination in just one but put two of us together and a demise is likely imminent.

it was the same old story. he’s stressed. freaked about where we’re heading. sheltering his girls and retreating into his independence. he’s tried planning our future but doesn’t see where we meet in the middle. his world one way. mine another. he called me out on my retreat. and i on his. and though we agreed we could work together to stop hiding behind walls i told him he really needed to take some time. figure it out. because at this point i need more.

the next day he was right back where we belong. wanted to see me. wanted to love me. i was hesitant but had promised to stop hiding. and together we were … we are … wonderful.

i have to explain our schedules to explain where we are now. we both have two weekdays kid free. every other weekend the same. and for the last (almost) year and a half our unspoken regular routine has been one kid-free weeknight solo. regroup. breath. relax. one weeknight together. weekend friday nights solo. necessary before my long saturday workouts. then saturday afternoon through early monday morning together. it’s almost always that way. and it works. a balance outside our single-parent worlds of us together and us independent.

yesterday was weekday one. no mention from him of getting together. his day was less than wonderful. work stress pushing him to a break point and i knew he needed nothing i could give. i granted him his night of solo recovery but in the last text of the night iĀ  asked for today. his response “maybe. let me see how tmrw goes. right now i’m still feeling like i wouldn’t be good company.”

i tried to write back but couldn’t. torn between words of understanding and words of no longer giving a damn. i’ll take second to his girls. any day. i’ll take second to his need to “recharge his batteries”. but i won’t take second to an unknown merely potential stressful day. i feel like part of the problem. another stressor he might have to deal with in his world. i want someone who wants me after a rough day. someone who reaches for me not someone who pushes me away. and hell he hasn’t even HAD the rough day yet. simple assumption.

and me i’m back behind the wall. alone. it’s lonely here but not as much as it is on the other side supposedly with someone who isn’t really there.

August 16, 2012 at 7:04 am 1 comment

june recap. july goals.

june was a simple month. not a lot of goals with the hope of not a lot of added stress. i didn’t quite manage what little i’d hoped for, but i’m not worried. here’s the recap.

1. race my first tri on june 10 and just finish strong! i’d say i made this goal šŸ™‚

2. celebrate my 40th with delicious food, strong drinks and great friends! i’m forty. i’m fabulous!

3. get in an early morning run at least once a week. i did this once. not once a week … once for the month. but in my defense i hit a snag. my treadmill belt is shot! and that really was to be my saving grace to have the time to do this. but i did tweak the work hours one day and meet a few from the group for one of their early morning runs along the bay. they start at 6 a.m. which really is too late for me but it was a nice change. i think i found someone who can do early, early hours with me on occasion so hopefully i can up the morning miles.

4. get films of the knee. avoided this. again. maybe soon.

now onto july. this month will be busy but fun! between the 4th of july holiday, a conference in orlando three days next week and two full weeks of vacation the 16th through 29th, i’ll be in the office a mere eight days for the entire month! here are some of the goals i’m adding into the mix of chaos!

1. create a detailed budget. money sucks. or more accurately lack of money sucks. i don’t have a lot of places to cut corners but i know there are little things i can change to save a few pennies for a rainy day.

2. swim at least twice a week. i’m strong on the run. i’m getting much stronger on the bike. now i need to focus. really focus on the swim.

3. secure a wet suit. i either need to suck it up and buy one, or find someone who can lend me a wet suit for augusta.

4. enjoy my vacation! to help break up the monotony of summer camp for sab, we are taking two weeks off. longest vacation i’ve taken in years. part one: three days at a cabin on a lake about an hour from here with the hunter and his girls! yes, my kid-commitment-phobe boyfriend invited us to spend a couple nights at the cabin he rented for a week. shocked me. plans of boating, tubing, water skiing and letting the girls get to know each other more šŸ™‚ part two: four days in jekyll island, ga with my step-sister. beach fun and sun. cocktails and conversation. detour to part three: augusta for the day. i’m a very visual person and nothing will quell my fears more than to check out the race course. so we’ll pop in for the day, visit the river, drive the ride and downtown walk part of the run. then we pick up my mom from the airport and head out. part three: a week at a cabin on a lake in south carolina. me, mom and my mini-me. fishing, reading, writing, relaxing. but throughout the entire vacation … still training!

July 3, 2012 at 12:13 pm 1 comment

something old. something new.

how do i write the first post of a new year? especially when my last post of the old was weeks ago. do i share the tales of family chaos and clutter that left the holidays resembling those of the griswolds more than the cleavers? do i tell of miles run with hope of improved recovery only to have to walk much of the last few of ten on new year’s eve day due to an unfamiliar pain behind the knee? do i reflect back on a year of change that sometimes leaves my footing seem so uncertain. i guess i will share a little of all. the last of the old. the first of the new.

out with the old
on my last day at work before the holiday break i felt an impelling need to let go of harbored heartbreak. standing in jc’s office door i could sense his curiosity and as i bid him a merry christmas i pushed all pride aside. “can i have a hug” i asked with trepidation. “of course”, he stammered, obviously shocked. it was simple. awkward. walls still between us that will never be gone. but it was done. i forgive. yet i’ll never forget.

the calf had been doing ok. not great but comfortable to eight, one solid 10 and the tough mudder 12. sometimes a little lingering discomfort but nothing that seemed of concern. but on the last day of the year, i headed into the woods. i felt it around mile seven but it wasn’t until the thinker tripped and i had to stop and restart that it really began to bother me. mile eight i had to walk. one thing about the trails, there is no letting someone run ahead to come back and get you in the car. thankfully, gentleman that he is, the thinker stayed by my side. two miles alternating a walk and barely a jog. i haven’t run since. it hurts. it’s wrong. and the doctor isn’t an option right now. financially i’m catching up from christmas. probably will be for awhile. and there is no budget for copays. but i’m over it all and it’s time to stop pretending and pushing. as of now i resolve to be balanced by summer. hip strengthening. core work. it’s all connected and it’s time to stop masking the deeper rooted skeletal issues that keep me from staying injury free.

family affairs
i knew it wouldn’t be easy. i’d spent two and half years avoiding the potential drama. a week at my mother’s can pose challenging enough but with my older brother living there i had to bite more than just my tongue to even dare. the pre-trip request to wait and do presents the day after sent me seeing red before we even arrived. and the plane trip up was interesting to say the least complete with a sweet yet unique in-flight proposal ~ he asked. he said yes. ~ and a less-than-comforting request for any passengers with medical experience to aid in an emergency. seems southwest knew to start my trip with a twist! and the rest of the week followed suit. a christmas morning “situation” that left me furious to the selfish games some divorced parents play with their children. plans not upheld. confirmation that things will always revolve around him and his. but i did it. me and mine survived. and now no one can say i’m the cold, unforgiving bitch. and if nothing else, i got my day in boston with an amazing friend and myrtle the turtle.

the bigger picture
in nearly nine months together the words “i love you” had yet to grace our lips. many times i’d come close but always tripped over the words. they don’t come easy for me. nor for the hunter. new year’s eve was our night. our christmas. our holidays rolled into one. he opened first. a lightning jersey custom printed with his name and the day of our first date. manly enough that no one but us need know the hidden romance. and the perfect selection to wear to his other gift, our evening plans of the hockey game and private pre-game reception.

my gift from him was obvious from the moment i walked in his house. he had joked for months. my bedroom tv too small to satisfy his every need. thankfully it’s the only place he’s not satisfied in my bedroom šŸ˜‰Ā  we both had to laugh at the fact he even bother to wrap the huge box on the floor. but before i ripped into the paper i had to open the card. the front was beautiful. a christmas poem of all things joyful. but it was what he wrote inside that made my every christmas wish come true.

merry christmas and happy new year sweetie. we seem to be a very good fit together so i hope this is the first of many holidays we spend together. love, the hunter. and yes, becelisa, i do love you i just have problems finding the right time to say it.

this was far from what i expected. it didn’t matter that his first i love you was in pen instead of words. i knew it took him opening his heart completely to say it even in ink. and later, after a wonderful night out, he opened it further. looked deep into my eyes. “i really do love you, becelisa. i really do.” and that was a far better gift than the 32″ flat screen.

in with the new
i’ve always dreaded that midnight moment. ask me for one memory of happy and i’d be tongue tied over tales of disappointment. i don’t need much. just real. our night had no grandiose glamour. an exciting (and thankfully winning) lightning game. followed by the best seat in the the house for all the area fireworks ~ the hot tub. i can’t explain how perfect it was. just us. a cool night. an amazing moon and stars. masked only by the colorful explosions of all shapes and sizes. he decided he needed to go check the time just in case it was close and he walked inside. not 30 seconds later he came running ~ and i use the term running loosely. cautious not to slip on the deck. maybe a little love drunk ;). he leapt back into the tub and as he reached to kiss me we heard yelling from the neighboring houses … “ten, nine, eight …” he hadn’t wanted to miss it. that moment. midnight. we let the neighbors count it down and then for the first time ever the new year started with a moment i will always remember.

January 9, 2012 at 2:13 pm 3 comments

Older Posts

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts.

Join 150 other followers

the best of times

5k pr ~ 24:23
10k pr ~ 52:49
half marathon pr ~ 1:55:10
marathon pr ~ 4:10:41
half ironman pr ~ 5:57:50
50k pr ~ 5:33:23
50-mile pr ~ 11:32:39