i found one

i ran a mile on monday my first mile since the 50. i’m not sure i really should have. but i needed to ~ mentally. it was at the gym. on the treadmill. a slow 9 minute pace. but nevertheless it was a run!

my knee hurt a little but more achy than painful. there was no sharp pain at least which was great. it did feel a little weak and i know longer mileage isn’t happening any time real soon but i’m aiming to try again at the gym this afternoon. might even bump up to a mile and a half if it feels ok.

i really am trying to behave and let myself heal fully before i push too hard again. but #*!@ i need to run. my head is getting way too cluttered with crap. work. dating. money. i tried riding saturday. 33 miles that failed to offer clarity on any of it. don’t get me wrong, it was a great ride but it never offers the escape i need.

soon. i hope. one will become two. then maybe three. baby steps. i just need to remember not to go from one to fifty this time!

missing may miles

i had my knee x-rayed on tuesday. good news s the x-ray came back clean. bad news is two doctors were a little perplexed by the pain. tentative diagnosis for now is a patellar tracking issue with impingement of the fat pad ~ also know as hoffa syndrome. i’m in a knee brace and will keep up my massage and ultrasound treatment with the yankee. but if i still see no improvement in a few weeks then we will do an mri to be sure there is no meniscus tear. both doctor’s felt pretty secure saying they didn’t think they would find one but i’m not sure i really got through to them that my pain tolerance is far beyond the norm. one doctor had me balance on and bend the knee then twist a certain way  it hurt, but it wasn’t bad. so he asked me to do it again which i promptly did without flinching. his response was that if i had a meniscus tear i would have had so much pain the first time that i never would have willingly done it the second. my response “um, my knee started hurting at mile 10 and i ran another 40!”

but i’m giving them the expert benefit of the doubt and giving this another few weeks. it kills me to know that may miles are going to be a big old zero. this certainly puts a challenging edge on my ever elusive 1,000 mile year goal. but we all know i love a good challenge!

wordless

as always seems to be the case with me, no running equals no writing. my life seems so empty without and there really isn’t anything worth sharing.

i haven’t been a total recluse. i had another date with the pilot. the theatre again. this time to see war horse. nice again. but still no sparks. and i even kissed him goodnight to see if i’d feel anything. but i didn’t. time to accept that one isn’t going to work.

i’m keeping up a pretty regular gym routine. three days a week of weight training on my lunch hour. upper body mostly though i am adding a little leg work that doesn’t really use the knee and i’m trying to find my abs. riding is also helping keeping me sane but it’s not my run.

i did do a 5k the other day. sort of. we had a company team and i challenged red and another friend who had never run a step in her life to do it. we walked most of it which was rough for me but i was so proud of them both for being out there and it was just nice to be among runners again and to spend time with two friends!

i have decided it’s time for an xray of the knee. it’s been five weeks and though i’ve improved, i fell like i hit a plateau. i need to know what i’m dealing with.

there are other things i could share. but i can’t find my words. they disappear when the miles do. but they’ll be back. they always are.

 

spank

i went out with the pilot again on saturday. his season tickets to the local performing arts centre included the show spank ~ a comedic parody of the 50 shades of grey books. admittedly i read the first but had no interest in reading the others. truth be told, i was far from the average demographic of the frustrated house wife and my sex life at the time didn’t leave the time ~ or need ~ for fantasy but i could only imagine the inappropriate, tasteless stage performance the books were to yield and i knew i had to see it!

he picked me up right on time. always important to me but given he lives maybe half a mile from me this really was expected! nice car. a lexus something or other ~ i’m so not a car person. trendy clothing ~ a bit too much so for my taste but the hunter’s lack of was just as hard to get used to. and still shorter than me even with shorter heels on~ damn me and my penchant for tall men! promt and well dressed  … check!

he had made reservations at edison, a relatively new restaurant opened by an exceptional local chef. i have to admit, that as non-foodie as i am it was so nice to eat somewhere other than the hunter’s typical sports bar or casual fare. and when he took control of the wine list and selection ~ with an ask of my taste preference ~ i was perfectly content. the food was incredible and the banter was easy. however, i think he’s learned more about me than i about him. maybe it’s the attorney in him. used to asking the questions. and lord knows i can certainly talk and give answers! not cheap and uncultured … check!

caught up in conversation we lost track of time and had to rush from the restaurant. we barely slipped into the theatre just as the opening scene was starting. i was a little bummed. there was a group of girls from my running group there ~ including jax and the governor ~ and i really wanted them to meet him so i could get their opinions. not that i don’ t trust my judgement ultimately but this one does confuse me. so far my only negative is shallow but it’s also typically a deal breaker. we did bump into a few of them at intermission but jax didn’t come out to the lobby so she didn’t  get to meet him ~ and she’s the one i knew would make sure to grill him for me . comfortable talking to friends of mine if only for a few minutes … check!

but any way, onto the show … oh my god! talk about hilarious. and seriously potentially awkward for a second date. now i’m pretty open-minded and far from easily offended. but i had no idea what to expect of him. this show was more than inappropriate. there weren’t sexual innuendos … it was flat out perverse! so awesome! and embarrassing i’m sure for anyone with any sort of aversion to crass sexuality. but he rolled with it pretty damn well. laughed at almost every thing i did. and really the only places he didn’t were from the references i understood from having actually read the book. not a conservative prude … check!

after the show we heading back toward my house. my uncertainty was top of mind. would he try to kiss me? did i want him to just to see if it elicited the sparks i had yet to feel? but  a few minutes into the short ride, i got a text from my mom that she had been admitted to the hospital. there was very little detail. just that they were about to send her for a cat scan of her spleen. i tried to call her but got her voice mail followed by another short text saying she couldn’t talk and to call my brother but that dysfunction was not going to be a conversation i had in front of the pilot. he walked me to my door and we talked for a few minutes but my mind was obviously elsewhere. a quick hug and declarations of a good time and he was off. not pushy … check!

the next day we texted a few times. me apologizing for being distracted. him hoping my mom was ok. and now he wants to do something this weekend. i think i will. there’s enough positive in what i’ve seen so far so what can it hurt to get to know him better and see if the attraction can grow. so dinner or drinks this weekend with an open mind … and maybe flat shoes.

dreaming with a broken heart

after my date the other night, i ended up having a very restless night. sleep eludes me often. has for years. but that night it was more than just insomnia that plagued me. that night i dreamt of boston. not in the way you may think given what happened at the marathon last week. not of the city or the life i briefly lived there. not of my hopes to qualify this fall at MCM. that night i dreamt of boston. that night i dreamt of him.

the pilot as i think he will be named, asked about my life of love since my divorce. and i relayed the tales of what has come and gone. three stories briefly told and only one ended with a heart still broken. he heard it in my voice. it was the one he focused further questions on. and it brought to surface the memories and dreams i long ago buried.

i try to deny the concept of soul mates. they don’t exist. they can’t. nor does fate. or destiny. or fairy tales. they simply can’t! i make my path. i chose it. i control. always. but that night the heart controlled the mind.

the phone call came first. his voice the sweetest sound. i struggled to wake up enough to comprehend. was it really him. was the dream i’ve dreamed a million times finally coming true. i didn’t want to let myself believe it. but then somehow he was there. hesitant. timid. unsure if he was truly home. but i assured him he was. he always has been. and it didn’t just start the day i first met him in 1995. it didn’t start that summer on cape cod. it didn’t start in worcester years later. and it didn’t end the day almost seven years ago when i turned around one last time to see him watching me walk away to get on that plane. it simply always was. and is. and will be.

i closed my eyes. i wanted to lose myself in his scent, his embrace, his soul. but when i opened them again, he was gone. my eyes fought to find him in the darkness. but it was just my empty room. i fumbled for my phone. that part wasn’t a dream. it couldn’t have been. the sound of his voice so real. but there was no call. there was nothing. i closed my eyes. i wanted back in the dream. wanted what i’d lost. but he was gone. again.

i know it’s dating again. i know it’s facing another attempt to give someone the heart i never took back. i’ve tried. with jc. with the hunter. gave all i had and all i could but never all of me. i don’t know how to ~ or maybe i still don’t want to.

when you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.

maybe it’s time to wake up.

call me maybe

last night i went on my first actual date since things with the hunter ended. it was one of those sort of unexpected randoms. i first met him halloween evening when i took mini-me to a friend’s house for a party and trick or treating. he lives next door to her friend and was outside with his dog. we got to chatting and found a few acquaintances in common. not friends really. just neighbours and former co-worker connections. i assumed he was married. single guys simply don’t live in the mcMansion he calls home. so it was just talk. another run in here. and another there. and somewhere i gave him my number. or maybe the neighbour asked and i ok’d. i honestly don’t remember but it was questions about my running group. he’s a former runner. state champ in the mile years ago. and he wants to add miles back into his workout routines. the other day i went to pick mini-me up at that friend’s house and he was outside again. the more we chatted the more i came to realize he wasn’t married and later that evening i got a text asking for a night of drinks. i agreed with hesitancy but with an attempt to keep an open mind.

i have a bad habit of pre-judging. i suppose most of us do to a degree but i write the entire story in my head before it’s even been read. i took what i knew … older, extremely successful attorney, wealthy and turned it into workaholic, demanding, strong-willed, rich guy looking for a younger trophy wife. i’m not sure i’m not right but the more we talked last night the more i think i could be wrong. but i think for some reason i’m intimidated by money. maybe it’s because i don’t have any. maybe it’s because at one point we did. i watched my father marry for the money. manipulate and lie his way into a fortune that wasn’t his. i saw what it did to us. to him. to me. i don’t know that lifestyle any more. and i think i’m a better person for it. but this guy has worked hard for where he is. didn’t have the silver spoon childhood that typical yields the pompous ass. but i’m a tad bit stubborn and independent and i worry that my career and my contribution would end up feeling inconsequential. but i know, i’m doing what i always do. looking ten steps ahead and determining why things won’t work instead of why they could. so i’m trying to put that line of reasoning aside.

but there’s a more immediate. and it’s somewhat physical shallow. he’s attractive. in great shape. well dressed. he’s got a nice smile and all of most of his hair. but he’s 12 years older than me. much younger i’ve done. older never. and even harder for me to get over (pun intended), he’s short. as in “i’m taller in heels and maybe even in flats” short. i know that’s not what’s important but i’m partial to tall. instant attraction to height. stature. wrap your arms around me make me feel sheltered and secure tall. he held his own in presence. certainly no lack of masculinity. but i can’t help but see it.

i have no doubt we’ll go out again. an evening on the boat or at the theatre already in potential discussion. but there’s something in all of this that has me sad. such the wrong emotion to have standing at the edge of something maybe. 

march madness

i just realized i never posted march mileage. my total was 120 and that was with the last week of the month yielding a big old zero as i tried to recover for croom. that puts my total for the first three months of the year at 392. still averaging well above what i need for the 1,000+ mile year that has always eluded me. and it’s a good thing i’ve got those extra miles in the bank because, sadly, april is going to be low. in fact my total mileage may end up being 50 ~ but all in one day so i’m still claiming bad ass status

my knee is in pretty rough shape. knees actually. though the left is far worse. they are a little better each day but i can’t even walk without pain so there is no way i am trying to run so much as a step. the yankee feels i’m dealing with pretty basic but severe chondromalacia also known simply as runner’s knee and he’s guessing on about four weeks down. treatment is going to be lots of massage and ultrasound which already helped to a tremendous degree. prior to my first appointment i couldn’t sit down or stand up without using my arms. but by the time he got done with me, i no longer had to wait on the handicapped stall at work! baby steps.

it sucks but i fully expected this so i’m taking it pretty well. so far. give it another week or two and i may be a total bitch but for now i’m ok. in fact i even switched gyms so i could start going with red during lunch. went today and did the limited upper-body workout i’m approved to do. it was frustrating not being able to do more. but the limited time of lunch “hour” helped keep me in check. and my arms feel like total jello already which means i hit it hard and strong! or maybe just that i’m one of “those runners” that neglects every other part of my body and i’m a total weak ass!